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  #11  
Old 07-17-2012, 11:19 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Originally Posted by dragonflysky View Post
"The boy....."???!!! What's that all about? Seems like a bit of sarcasm and condescension on your part here.
I picked up the same vibe from "his new fling".
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  #12  
Old 07-17-2012, 04:02 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Well, the meeting is over. It doesn't sound too horrible to me. A bit awkward, but that's expected with first meetings. Esp the awkward of not having common language yet in talking about each other, with each other, expressing affection in front of each other, etc. The new guy may have emotional process of his own too do -- I don't know how old you are but he may feel the need to assert himself more because he's that much younger than your guy.

I didn't esp pick up snark on your part with the "new fling" or "boy" stuff. I kinda wondered though about your emotional safety though, esp if your guy is logical processing type and you are feeling type. And this "distancing" of the new person in your writing in calling then "the new fling" and "the boy" comes from that?

Between dread of being put on the spot for setting up meeting, then dread of the meeting, some discomfort at meeting, unsatisfactory goodbye at meeting, then dread waiting to hear back from your guy post meeting and post date with new guy...

I'm not getting a sense that you lay out your limits for a pace you can deal with.

I'm getting a sense of "Aaaaaahhhh! I do not feel emotionally safe here!" from you. That maybe isn't being met with support/nurture at the right level from your guy when you are at these places so you don't have to feel all "AAAAAHHH!" Is your guy is aware of your emotional safety needs? And he's not doing it? Are you actually articulating your needs so he doesn't know there are needs to begin with?

Do you feel like his being all Logical Person and you being Feeling Person means Feeling Person has to just go at the speed of Logical Person? Or if you articulate Feeling Person needs they will be pooh-poohed?

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-17-2012 at 04:14 PM.
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  #13  
Old 07-18-2012, 06:10 PM
tiggerdatiger tiggerdatiger is offline
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Thanks for the responses! To address my use of the words 'new fling' and 'boy'... :

I have no negative connotation in my mind on 'new fling'... It doesn't seem like an insult to me, but good to know that it can bring about a reaction from others, and that it can be perceived as negative, depending on who you're talking to. As for the use of the word 'boy', I did use it after our meeting, I noticed... and this is mainly because I realize after meeting him that he is indeed young. He's intelligent, worldly, cultured, and can be creative. He does read emotionally immature, however (shrug). My partner and I are both in our early 40's. Had the 22 year old come across as mature (and without digs, jabs, a competitive nature and demonstrated a jealousy streak in our first meeting about my and my partners relationship), there wouldn't be an issue, and I would've considered him a full-blown adult, not just legally. I assure those that are concerned, I came across with as much charm as I could muster, interest in him as a person, and kept the conversation rolling as much as possible to try to have a positive meeting (and without attitude on my part).

I believe he was jealous and working to stake his claim, albeit a little disrespectful in its execution.

Marcus: THanks for your words... I like the 'not wanting to outflank, outstrut' sentiment. Yes, we do need to talk... it's in my best interest to explain how I feel in a logical way, in order to get my point across... which is quite a challenge on occasion to put into words...heh.

Sparklepop: Thanks for your examples... this helps for me to process and obviously know others are going through this exact thing. I let my partner know all that I thought, how I perceived it to happen. Our communication was cut off unfortunately at the moment (other business to attend to) so I'm in limbo, waiting to hear how he perceived things. I totally understand what you went through with your conversation with your girlfriend and the sub boy on the phone. My guy can lack some tact, himself, on occasion. What I can be thankful for in having a logical-minded guy (and him specifically) is I have someone who can be honest to a fault. I know whatever I get is the real deal and it's honest. It has it's downfall, tho, hence the world 'fault'. Sometimes I have to remember the good aspects of being honest and upfront when it counts the most in order to try to excuse moments that are TMI with others and myself. I do need to process what I'm fearful of. I'm afraid of this guy badmouthing me, doing what he can to create a wedge for him to squeeze into. I have to trust my guy in that he wouldn't let that happen. He's shared too many things already (from our confidence) with the new guy to make me a little fearful of this connection. I don't know how his side of the situation will pan out. I'm also fearful that he will say I'm exaggerating how the meeting went down, when I have a very good read on people, small nuances, etc., that when added up, can really prove a point.

GalaGirl: You make a really good point. Yes, it is an emotionally unsafe feeling I can deal with, on occasion. I've told my partner many times that if I'm feeling low, to give me reassurance. That if he's thinking of a sweet thing, to not keep it rolling in the brain, but to say it out loud, do it. And I let him know after a hookup (or before if I know it's going to happen), I would love to have reassurance and support through processing it. He's logically-minded as I said (if you're familiar with the Meyers-Brigg Personality test), he's an INTJ, which basically means to an extreme he's Spock, Sheldon (from 'Big Bang Theory'). Under 1 percent of the population make up this one personality type of sixteen. And he's that to a 'T'. He doesn't like to give reassurance unless it's organic from him (I do understand this argument...but). And he can also be a little less touchy-feely than most. So, I'm a little left to process stuff on my own, and maintain a good amount of the self-love enough until he is no longer distracted and comes back to me. I do ask for the reassurance, but have to work to train myself to go at the logical speed...

I know (overall) that I do have stuff that I need to work on...in processing. I'd love to be able to be at that point of compersion, being excited for my partner and not feel like things are going to affect me and our relationship in a negative way. I know I've made some leaps and bounds in just under 8 months, but I do have a little ways to go.

I guess it doesn't help with strong examples like this to churn my brain so hard. Or maybe it does. I know that if the meeting went well without feeling the competitive and jealous side from the new guy, I would've processed it much easier.
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  #14  
Old 07-18-2012, 09:01 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
Had the 22 year old come across as mature (and without digs, jabs, a competitive nature and demonstrated a jealousy streak in our first meeting about my and my partners relationship there wouldn't be an issue, and I would've considered him a full-blown adult, not just legally.
Being 22, he's gonna just BE all Luke Skywalker. Act first, think later, go, go go! Very passionate about certain things, not fully gripping nuances of every social interaction, totally not a Jedi Master, etc.

Since you two are in the 40's and he's in the early 20's, can't we chalk this up to there being age differences? His posturing and whatnot?

I'd let it go and give him the free pass of first meeting heebie jeebies of his own.

If this comes up again, tell him to chill a bit. Assure him you aren't blocking him from BF or anything, you are happy shared BF is happy, and wish him well too as your meta.

If he does anything that is odd, just speak up to him to clarify. "When you said/did ___ I heard/felt ____. Was that how you meant it to be?" And invite him to do same with you. He's a meta -- I doubt your hinge BF expect you to be best friends just because of that alone if there's no connection besides that.

He doesn't have to be horrible and he doesn't have to rock your boat... but we do teach people how we want to be treated.

Being this young, I don't know how many polyships he's had -- so consider him with these glasses -- "Assume good intent. But perhaps sometimes clonky in execution." -- just as you expressed.

He won't be 22 forever. He'll outgrow being 22.

GG
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  #15  
Old 07-19-2012, 12:28 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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First of all, it bothers me when people chalk up bad behavior to age. I'm 23 and I've known how to be respectful for YEARS. My husband is 24 and HE has known how to respectful for YEARS. It may be an inexperience thing, but not an age thing.

Personally, I get really upset when people judge me based on my age. I have been discounted as next to useless in various social situations because I'm "too young to be able to handle it" whether it be conversationally, physically, or emotionally. And quite honestly I think it's crap. I have more life experience than many 40 year olds that I meet and can often offer something of value even if it is just a different perspective of the main topic without adding any real content.

I agree with a lot of what GG said, except for the focus on age being a contributing factor, because, well, as I've said I don't think age really matters but experience most definitely does.

Now, this guy may be young AND inexperienced which which would make him act jumpy and probably inhibit his ability to plan ahead. Everyone gets nervous and can act completely different when they are in new situations that push their limits.

Is this the guy's first foray into anything poly? It's quite possible that he was subconsciously "staking his claim" because that's what you do in mono situations. Unlearning social norms (like trying to tell people to BACK OFF, HE'S MINE without actually saying it) is difficult. I'd expect the same behavior from an older person who had never experienced being with someone in multiple relationships, too. There's got to be a bit of a learning curve - talk to him about the signals he was sending out, or if you don't want to, have your partner do it. Help the guy grow and learn from this experience instead of assuming he can do it on his own.
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  #16  
Old 07-19-2012, 04:08 PM
tiggerdatiger tiggerdatiger is offline
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Hey there, km34... I have no doubt that you have been respectful for years, along with your husband. If you're posting on a polyamory forum, chances are you have the tools necessarily emotionally, coversationally, and experience-wise to handle (and work within) situations that some 40+ year olds cannot. Are you unique to your age bracket? Maybe, Maybe not. It really does boil down to experience, doesn't it? You mention that you have a good amount of life experience, and that goes a long way.

In regards to the guy I've been talking about, he's grown up in a small town, still lives with his parents, and this is his first time in engaging (more than once) with someone who happens to be partnered. I'd wager to say his experience is lesser than yours (in this realm), and this is why he's acting out in different ways, and is probably processing our meeting on his own, as well, currently. I do know where you're coming from, and felt the same way when 30+, 40+ year olds would have an opinion based solely on my age (when I was in my early twenties), and it angered me so much that I would try to make a point whenever I could to make my life experience be heard, fighting against an unwarranted judgment call.

Remembering that, and looking at my situation specifically, age isn't as much a factor, as much as it is life experience, of course. I had said that if the guy handled it maturely "(and without digs, jabs, a competitive nature and demonstrated a jealousy streak in our first meeting about my and my partners relationship) there wouldn't be an issue, and I would've considered him a full-blown adult, not just legally."

I do hope he unlearns 'social norms (like trying to tell people to BACK OFF, HE'S MINE without actually saying it)', as it seems that he's here to stay for a while... or at least my partner is now staking his claim (per our conversation last night), and basically had tried to discredit all of my observations, chalking it up to 'he's just kidding!', and 'I think he was being discreet'.

I like your approach...it's a reminder that here's an opportunity for allowing someone to grow. I'm not too enthused because my emotions are involved, and this first impression was a doozy for me, but we do teach others how to treat us.

Thanks for your wisdom in this... I'm relatively new at this type of thing (as you might've read), and I appreciate your viewpoint.
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  #17  
Old 07-19-2012, 05:30 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tiggerdatiger View Post
as it seems that he's here to stay for a while... or at least my partner is now staking his claim (per our conversation last night), and basically had tried to discredit all of my observations, chalking it up to 'he's just kidding!', and 'I think he was being discreet'.
He has his head full of NRE and no matter what you say, he won't believe it's as bad as you see it. While it's not as rosy as your partner is trying to paint things, it might not be quite as bad as you see it either. It will usually fall somewhere in between. For the most part, I'd keep your opinion of this guy to yourself UNLESS your partner asks (or there is something really offensive). He won't believe you if it's not great and will just get defensive. Be polite, but stand your ground. If you normally kiss your partner goodbye in public, don't let his issues make you stop. I know I've been wrong about people based on a first meeting many of times, both good and bad and I've had enough experience to be open to my opinion changing.

I have some really good friends that are in their early 20's, I'm 43. Most of the time I don't even notice the age difference and other times, I'm taken off guard by some stuff until I remind myself that they are actually young enough to be my kids (and only 5 years older than my actual kid) . At which point, I can let myself step back without being offended or feeling the need to prove my point - I remember not believing people my parents age knew any more than I did at that age either .
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  #18  
Old 07-19-2012, 05:52 PM
tiggerdatiger tiggerdatiger is offline
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Yes, indeed, SNeacail, the NRE will negate most of what I say... and I do agree that it probably does fall somewhere in the middle (my viewpoint and his). He's got the excitement that someone else is excited about him, wants to continue on, and I (being new to this) am apprehensive given the energy I felt from the new guy, his insecurities, and lack of experience coming out in different ways.

I feel a wee bit better now. But it is a mite annoying that my partner isn't as supportive or nurturing to me at this time, chalking it up to me 'overreacting'. He let me know the guy walked away from the meeting saying I was cute, funny, and a nice guy (nothing negative). And me... well, I seem to be the one with the problem. (sigh).

So... Yes, I also agree that it is in my best interest to keep my opinion to myself unless asked (within reason).

2 days ago, I had the opinion that I don't want to meet the guy again, he shouldn't be invited to any get-togethers with our friends, etc. (I didn't articulate this to my partner). Now that I see that it lands a little in the middle, and it might be just a little emotional wind blowing through, I am looking at it from the viewpoint that I can try to be open to another potential meeting, without being guarded (which would be a little tough), but that's what growth within is all about.

I work with a good amount of people in their late teens / early 20's... and I agree with you... you don't really notice the age difference, but really depending on who it is, and the situation, of course.
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