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  #11  
Old 07-19-2012, 04:32 AM
hellokitty hellokitty is offline
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I'm not asking for sugar coating - I obviously am in a fog as I said. I need truth and reality and insight I have not been able to find for myself. Keep it coming please... This is a very difficult time for me and I need to think things through once and for all and quit avoiding everything.

Thank you.
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  #12  
Old 07-19-2012, 05:17 AM
BohemianMLHR81 BohemianMLHR81 is offline
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Well I hope this helps in your decision. The couple that I was part of a quad with that relocated to the west coast went thru this exact thing that you are going thru now. After they got settled in out there the wife met a woman. Within a few months she moved in with the two of them. Another few months passed and the sexual relationship between the man and his wife was gone. He confronted his wife. She chose the woman. He moved out and was depressed for a while. Then he met the love of his life which he is now out of all lifestyles and in a mono relationship with the woman and recently became engaged. All people involved in this are now happy. Sometimes people just dont know when to walk away. I hope all involved in your situation finds happiness when all of this is done. Sheila Kay
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  #13  
Old 07-19-2012, 11:31 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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I can relate to your thread very much and thought I would come and join it.

I don't want to project my experiences onto you. I can only share my experience, as it is very similar to yours.

I was also with a man for around 5 years. My longest, deepest, sweetest relationship. He is definitely someone I'd consider a soulmate. I can't even begin to describe how attached I was, and still am, attached to him. But the passion was just not there. I found him gorgeous to look at - I still do - and I am sometimes even now still a little attracted to him. But the idea of sex with him, or any man, just doesn't set off that same 'zing' as women do for me.

I met a girl whilst I was with this boyfriend. I was still deeply in love with him at this point, but our sex life was barely existent. And, yes, there was little excitement any more. To my amazement, when I told him that I found her attractive, he suggested that I start seeing her, whilst staying with him.

After 6 months, I felt about her the way you seem to feel about your girlfriend. The sex was out of this world mind-blowing. It was fun, cute, passionate, exciting - all of the things you are describing. I felt like I wanted to live with her, spend my life with her. She made me over-the-moon happy.

But I couldn't bare to leave him. We had the deepest bond, deeper and more spiritual than my bond with her.

Here's where the tricky part comes in.

Poly can work because you find different things in other people. If I could have had him and her at the same time, I would have been happy. But this wasn't working for him any more. So I ended up choosing her and I haven't dated a man since (we broke up about 4 years ago).

When we broke up, I told him that I needed to explore my attraction to women. At that time, I thought we would someday get back together. I just couldn't imagine living without him. And I still can't - but I don't think either of us would go back to that kind of relationship, after this good space and exploration time.

It is very possible that you are primarily into women. I feel that way, at this stage in my life. I feel like I have found my sexuality - I simply prefer women, in sex, in love. I still find men attractive and would consider sleeping with one - but it just doesn't have that same pow factor.

Now, in my situation, I am still very close to my ex boyfriend. In fact, I'm currently living with him, sleeping in the same bed in an open plan studio, but dating women. We aren't romantically involved any more. We are just.... very, very close friends... platonic partners. We take holidays together and sleep in the same bed, we walk around naked in front of each other, I give him a hug or a kiss before work every day. A lot of people think that has to be romantic. I don't.

If I could live in a big house with him and my current girlfriend, I would. And for us, it would actually work.

If your heart is not in the relationship with your boyfriend any more, you have to confront those feelings. I was so scared to let go of my relationship with my boyfriend. It was one of the most painful things ever. But at least now, we can still love each other without hurt or unmet expectations. And it gives him the emotional freedom to find someone who can love him with passion. Think about the way you see your girlfriend - wouldn't you love him to have a girl that feels that way about him? Whilst still being platonically very close with you?

Incidentally, the great relationship with the girl I left him for turned very sour after less than three years. It went from beautiful to just plain annoying. But having that time away from him helped me discover what I wanted. Now I'm in a relationship with a new woman, who I've been with for just over a year. When I was with my ex boyfriend and girlfriend, I used to think that you could only find one thing at a time in relationships - passion or soulmate kind of love. I truly didn't believe the two could cross over. Now I'm with a woman who I feel that deep spiritual love for - AND the passion is intense. As well as the fights If I'd never broken up with him and seen where things went with my ex girlfriend, I would never have experienced the kind of love I have right now.

So, I think that you need to do some thinking.... and some talking with your boyfriend... it sounds like he does need more from your relationship and that his feelings are stronger than yours from a romantic perspective. Are you at a time where you need to explore? How old are you, incidentally?

And if your relationship is special, it might be that over time, you don't have to give each other up, but that your dynamic could just change.

I started asking myself questions. When I watch movies, do I look at the women or the men in sex scenes? Have I ever even had a crush on a famous man? If a man and woman were naked in front of me, who would I want to have sex with, deep down?

For me, it kept coming back to women.

Only you know where your sexuality stands. I definitely think you should talk to him and at the very least, discuss a trial separation of six months, where he should try to date other people and you pursue your relationship with your girlfriend. I actually think that almost every relationship I've had has ended with a soft "we'll see where we stand in 6 months".... then 6 months comes along and suddenly everything's clearer.
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Last edited by sparklepop; 07-19-2012 at 11:34 AM.
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  #14  
Old 07-20-2012, 10:08 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hellokitty View Post
Hi,
The thing is, the things he says he needs from me, I don't think I can give him
I don't think I can give him. He wants to be the most important person in my life. Number one. No questions asked. He wants to know that at the end of the day if something happened and I had to choose I would come home to him and leave her behind.
Leave the love part out of it. Tell him you cannot guarantee to commit to giving him what he wants.

To misquote Tonberry I'd ask you again to reflect on the following

What about him moving in? Are you interest in living with him?
What about getting married? Or spending the next 40 years with him?

And I'll say - why don't you go write down somewhere secret and private, how you'd picture life if it were perfect YET realistic - which of your partners are present, and what role would you want them in? If you find yourself saying "I'd like A to live happily ever after with me and it would happen if only A changed like X/was Y - maybe you don't accept A. Same goes for B, C whatever (except if you think D is just perfect the way they are - you're probably in NRE )well if a long term partner is'nt like X/Y/Z - stop pretending they will be. They are who they are, if it's more depression than joy, consider moving on.

If you are involved with somebody who you don't KNOW that you want the "traditional" fall in love, move in/get married and spend the rest of your life with them, it behooves you both if you recognize that, suck it up and bring it up, and then negotiate if you can still have a beautiful relationship, or if for one or both of your happiness's you need to let go and move on.
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  #15  
Old 07-25-2012, 07:41 PM
hellokitty hellokitty is offline
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Sparklepopp, I can relate a ton with what you posted. I'm 22, I have admitted since I was 12 I was attracted to women, lost my virginity to and have slept with many more women than men, dated a few, and I just know I am primarily into girls. Of all my boyfriends in the past I have never been able to JUST be with them, I've always found myself getting into bed with other females. It just didn't and doesn't make sense to me to NOT be with a woman. I can say pretty certainly that I could never be satisfied in a relationship with a man unless I am sleeping with a girl. Spelling it all out like this really makes me realize... obviously I am pretty friggen gay. I still think some guys are attractive and enjoy the energy of flirting, but it's nowhere near how I feel about women.

This is my first serious relationship with another woman and I feel like my eyes are now opening up to a lot I've always felt was missing but never able to pin point what exactly.

I know I'm not putting my all into my relationship with my boyfriend and I hate how much of a liar I feel like sometimes. It makes me tear up thinking of the pain I am causing him by not giving him what he needs. I have been a wreck lately because I think I'm finally starting to let him go and it hurts more than I could have ever imagined. It feels like such a mistake to even think about it, because of how deeply I know he loves me. How foolish could I be to consider giving up someone who cares about me so fully, knowing everything about me, knowing me better than I even know myself? The one person who I know will always and forever be there for me and never give up on me. I can't stand the thought of losing him in my life. I am just afraid if I can't be what he wants me to be he will be too hurt to stick around at all. But I know we need each other. He's my best friend and I'm his. It's even much deeper than that.

Maybe in the future I will feel different. It's why I'm so afraid to let go... But I'm not here now, and I don't feel it's fair to make him believe otherwise. At this point in my life, I can't imagine living with him, and not her. I can't imagine marrying him. I can imagine raising a family with him (not that I even know if I'd ever want to do that, but if I did, he's the smartest, most genuine and compassionate person I know and trust.) What does this even mean??? I'm so scared and confused and worried I will screw up. I'm SO afraid of hurting him. I've been so deeply depressed over all of this I can hardly function.
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  #16  
Old 07-26-2012, 07:01 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I hope you summon up the courage to tell him soon. I know it's scary but the longer you put it off the more you both suffer. You are probably on some level treating him differently, and possibly badly the longer you struggle with this issue because you are not as comfortable around him because you know you need to tell him. I imagine it's also affecting your relationship with your girlfriend too.

Perhaps he wont want to be in your life if you tell him how you feel, but if that is what he needs to do to heal, if you're his friend you'll let him have that. You need to take that leap of faith that the friendship you've built with him is strong enough to still be there after the dynamic change. It IS always possible after a brief turbulence he can accept exactly what is and there is no change in your love for each other. At some point it does become you stringing him along if you know you need to be upfront with him and aren't for too long. He deserves to know where you stand so he can not feel like he's wasted time being made a fool of.

I'm really crossing my fingers that you update next week that you let him know so you could both make the decisions that are best for yourselves. I'll also say...if you keep dating other people, it's likely you'll have to have these hard talks with other people too, and it's better to get practiced at being honest as soon as there's something to be honest about.

edit: stop beating yourself up for not feeling the same way as he does now. you are not obliged to give him it, even if you wish you could, and I'm sure he'd feel worse if he knew you were pretending at any level.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 07-26-2012 at 07:09 PM.
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  #17  
Old 07-31-2012, 09:05 AM
hellokitty hellokitty is offline
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Well that went fucking AWFUL.

He is so angry and hurt I could possibly feel this way and have let things go on for so long that I've left him behind. I love him so much this is so completely painful I have no idea what to do w myself. I'm scared I've made or am making the biggest mistake of my life. He says I haven't given him a chance to make me feel that way bout him cus I'm never around. And how could I still want to live w my gf or consider marrying her when he's so against it. If I feel that way he doesn't want a part of it.

I'm even more confused than ever!!! I feel SO GUILTY. and so sad and scared because I do love him and want and need him in my life. Idk which way is true or a lie. Idk how I truly feel and what is him or her swaying my feelings. I feel so damn lost.
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  #18  
Old 07-31-2012, 06:49 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I don't think it can ever be a mistake to be honest. It's pretty unlikely that after 5 years you wouldn't feel "that way" about him if you could. Do not let him guilt you about this. It us understandable he is let down and feels like this came out of left field. That might be his deal-breaking line there - "I'll be with you if you don't live with/marry your girlfriend, and as long as you love me most" You know that this isn't your truth, so all you can do is hope that he is more willing to talk after he has some time to think, and you can salvage different but more honest relationship with him out of this.

Now it's a separate issue if you think he or her were "swaying your feelings" if either of them were talking negatively about the other that's an issue to deal with. If you're just too unsure of yourself to have a strong identity to know what you want (which sure might be an issue since you struggled with this so long) that's an issue you should deal with ASAP, certainly before you start dating anybody else, as in counseling, read about self esteem, making a great effort to be 100% honest when you are asked a relationship question by a partner, even if you think it's not what they want to hear, whatever.

I'm sorry you aren't happy with his reaction, but I really think you did the right thing, and I'm sure you've learned a lesson or two about the importance of being upfront that will serve you well in the future.

*hug*
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