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Old 07-18-2012, 08:58 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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When I (personally) consider whether I contain the muster that is required for the enlightening life o'poly, I keep those four points in mind: honesty, communication, compassion and saturation.
Love this-very true. I really get tired of hearing "communication, communication, communication". YES communication IS very important-but it's not the only aspect that is important. YES honesty is important too, but again, not the only aspect that is important. Compassion and saturation as you defined it ROCK. MANY people would say FUCK NO to dealing with dating someone with kids and THAT IS OK! Many would say FUCK NO to dating someone whose other partner has health issues like mine-and THAT IS OK! We just have to know our limits and accept that they are our personal limits and then ensure we find out if other partners are going to be able to exist within them (another reason I'm pro-meeting the metamours, my needs may conflict with their saturation limits).

How long have they been poly/open/whatever they are? Do they have guidelines? Did naughty husband break any of these guidelines? Have you met both of them? Is most of your interaction with the husband?
There's a golden nugget. When a partner breaks a promise/boundary/agreement; it doesn't matter if it's an agreement YOU care about-it's still going to hurt the partner they made the agreement with and cause drama due to their breach of trust and dishonest/lie. (they promised and didn't follow through=lied).
If you want to date couples, your end of the bargain is to be considerate whilst they make room on the water bed for you.
Which isn't to say that they don't have an "end of the bargain to uphold". They do. All three people do.

Then look at their engine from the outside of the car. Even if they say it's fine. Look beyond what they tell you.
God yes! This too! Just because he kisses you, doesn't mean he didn't have a boundary saying that wasn't allowed. Just because she says he knows and is ok with her being poly, doesn't mean it's true! Just because they tell you that they're a great couple and will be perfect for you-doesn't make it true!!!!!!!!!!!

Changing patterns
It's interesting that you say that the third in a triad is often the first out. Also, that the third catches the brunt of the BS. Has this happened to you many times? Could there be any repetition of behaviour from yourself there that led to this? In my experience, there's always something we could have done differently ourselves.
The third is often the one who gets screwed over. But, not always.
I'm in a V and I'm the hinge and in my experience, I get screwed from every direction! Every time one of my guys has an issue with the other, their natural confident is ME-cause I'm their beloved... BUT that really fucks me because I can't be their "middle man" in that way and have a functional relationship with either! They have to "man up" and talk to each other about their issues...

so what happens when there's another partner of theirs and they are the hinge? Well, she probably ought to be able to come to me, cause making your lover the middle man between you and a metamour-puts them in a shitty position since they love you both.
So much the messier if it's a triad.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:58 PM
BohemianMLHR81 BohemianMLHR81 is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Eden, NC
Posts: 22
Default whew!

Ok to reply a general response to all the accusations and assumptions. I said that I have been involved in a poly quad, never a triad. The quad was awesome. Full of love, trust, communication, and only ended due to the other couple relocating 3000 miles away for work.
My ex husband after the quad ended forced himself onto my daughter. This had nothing to do with either the poly or the swinging lifestyle. It was simply him being a low life dog of a human being.
The couple that I met a few weeks ago that I mentioned claimed that they had no issues with jealousy. We 3 sat and discussed what we all 3 hoped to gain, what our limits were, etc. and yes the subject of me spending time with each of them seperately was discussed of which both at that time had NO PROBLEMS with the other spending time with me alone. Now 2 weeks later the husband contacts me wanting to see me. I unaware that his wife was not informed. I did not meet with him however, his wife seen his call history and then called me with the whole jealous screaming bit. Needless to say I told her where they both could go and to loose my number.
Overall I have had great experiences in both lifestyles. I have witnessed the lives of friends in both lifestyles fall apart because they did not work out those issues before bringing in other people. They entered the lifestyles to spice up an already troubled marriage or because the man pushed the two women thing with a wife who only wanted to keep her husband happy.
I agree that each person in a relationship has responsibility to uphold their end. I am a very secure person who has felt jealousy very few times in my life. My line of thinking is if a person wants to be with me then they will if not no big deal. Now because I know my limitations as far as not dealing with screaming irrational wives does not make me an angry person or lacking empathy. I do feel for these women to the point that I feel that the couple needs to retreat from outside activities with everyone and strengthen their home life by devoting all their free time to each other until they rebuild their foundations. Once they are a strong couple then by all means go balls to the wall.
There is one other component that I neglected to mention and no one else has either. RESPECT. All of these people who are experiencing feelings of jealousy, envy, hurt and after talking to their partners with no resolve are lacking respect from their partners. If you truly love your mate and they are having those feelings then out of respect for that person you step back from the extra activities and do damage control. You both go back to the discussion table and rewrite the rule book. If one person refuses this then bottom line is that person is putting their own desires first not the relationship. I am sure the added poly-mates will understand that the base couple need some time to work on things. If this base couple are having problems it does reflect onto all other relationships involved. Honestly, If you just had a screaming match with your spouse before you head out the door for your date what kind of mood will you be in for the date. This is not fair to the poly-mates.
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Old 07-18-2012, 11:09 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

I have to disagree in one point.

I totally agree with the respect.

But, if one is going to make all of their relationships equal-you can't prioritize one over another.

I'm not saying everyone does want that-but it is why a number of people get irritated over the whole primary, secondary thing.

I do agree that if your relationship has issues-it's not the time to start a new relationship.

BUT-my husband comes and goes with his jealousy and insecurity as easily as running out of his ADD meds (which increases his insecurity astronomically).
I'm NOT dumping my boyfriend every time that happens.
I'm not making him move out, tearing up our family unit and starting from scratch because one person has a hair up their behind.

Now, that said-I'm also not out seeking new partners. But, it's also not my place to "enforce" that Maca not do so-even though he hasn't resolved these issues in himself.

But it does mean that the new women get to deal with the consequences when he is disrespectful and irritatingly too caught up in NRE with them to focus on his responsibilities.
Which-is a pain in the ass for them, me and everyone else too.

I agree that he SHOULDN'T go seeking new companions in an effort to assuage his issues. But, he's a grown man and even as his wife, I don't have the authority or ability to stop him.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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