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Old 07-18-2012, 08:58 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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When I (personally) consider whether I contain the muster that is required for the enlightening life o'poly, I keep those four points in mind: honesty, communication, compassion and saturation.
Love this-very true. I really get tired of hearing "communication, communication, communication". YES communication IS very important-but it's not the only aspect that is important. YES honesty is important too, but again, not the only aspect that is important. Compassion and saturation as you defined it ROCK. MANY people would say FUCK NO to dealing with dating someone with kids and THAT IS OK! Many would say FUCK NO to dating someone whose other partner has health issues like mine-and THAT IS OK! We just have to know our limits and accept that they are our personal limits and then ensure we find out if other partners are going to be able to exist within them (another reason I'm pro-meeting the metamours, my needs may conflict with their saturation limits).

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How long have they been poly/open/whatever they are? Do they have guidelines? Did naughty husband break any of these guidelines? Have you met both of them? Is most of your interaction with the husband?
There's a golden nugget. When a partner breaks a promise/boundary/agreement; it doesn't matter if it's an agreement YOU care about-it's still going to hurt the partner they made the agreement with and cause drama due to their breach of trust and dishonest/lie. (they promised and didn't follow through=lied).
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If you want to date couples, your end of the bargain is to be considerate whilst they make room on the water bed for you.
Which isn't to say that they don't have an "end of the bargain to uphold". They do. All three people do.

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Then look at their engine from the outside of the car. Even if they say it's fine. Look beyond what they tell you.
God yes! This too! Just because he kisses you, doesn't mean he didn't have a boundary saying that wasn't allowed. Just because she says he knows and is ok with her being poly, doesn't mean it's true! Just because they tell you that they're a great couple and will be perfect for you-doesn't make it true!!!!!!!!!!!

Changing patterns
It's interesting that you say that the third in a triad is often the first out. Also, that the third catches the brunt of the BS. Has this happened to you many times? Could there be any repetition of behaviour from yourself there that led to this? In my experience, there's always something we could have done differently ourselves.
[/QUOTE]
The third is often the one who gets screwed over. But, not always.
I'm in a V and I'm the hinge and in my experience, I get screwed from every direction! Every time one of my guys has an issue with the other, their natural confident is ME-cause I'm their beloved... BUT that really fucks me because I can't be their "middle man" in that way and have a functional relationship with either! They have to "man up" and talk to each other about their issues...

so what happens when there's another partner of theirs and they are the hinge? Well, she probably ought to be able to come to me, cause making your lover the middle man between you and a metamour-puts them in a shitty position since they love you both.
So much the messier if it's a triad.
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