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Old 07-17-2012, 03:31 AM
pocketpoly86 pocketpoly86 is offline
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Default 30 Days to Becoming a Secondary Wife

Day 1

Today marks my first night in my own room! I can't believe it! It actually feels like I went and got a new apartment (not that I've actually ever done that but I think this is how it would feel). I have candles everywhere - stuff in boxes, a mismatch of art on the wall, a bed that needs new linens, and a couple of days of clothes unpacked. I have a lot to do to make my "suite" my own. I'm actually getting a bit excited!

Here's the backstory:
I was previously married to a poly-interested, very sexually repressed, and sadly, quite crazy (yes, actually diagnosed) man, whom I'll call BeautifulMind (because yes, he's just like the guy in the movie). Well, eventually his issues posed a safety concern for me and the kiddies - and we divorced. I loved the man, but we were all suffering. His issues eventually led to him losing custody of the kids. He can see them if I allow it but he has been stripped of the ability to make any decisions for them. It's a sad situation - and an emotionally/financially costly one too. I have two super middle school aged kiddos from that marriage - ScienceGuy and AthleteGirl. At the end of my marriage to BeautifulMind, I met PipedPiper....who swepped me off my feet. He made my tummy do flipflops like I had never experienced. During our first sexual experience I actually asked him what we were doing! hahahaha It was just such a different experience than I had ever known. I was numb everywhere and I had the biggest grin I had ever seen on my very red with joy, face. But having been forced to consider a poly lifestyle with BeautifulMind and turned it down outright, I refused to be asked to be "shared" again. PipedPiper promised he would never, ever share me. Boy was he wrong.

Admittedly, PipedPiper confessed that he had cheated on every woman he had ever been with - but after a broken engagement due to such behavior, he swore he had changed. WRONG. About 7 months into our marriage, he asked to become involved with a woman (Marathon) he had previously dated. I was a bit turned on by the possibility so I agreed. It led to a 5 month serious dating situation. She and I started emailing and IMing - eventually we met (we lived in different states) and hit it off....emotionally and sexually. I am typicaly not at all attracted to women but she was the right combination of controlling and smart - so I was attracted to her anyway. I found that I was enormously turned on by watching her and Piped Piper have sex. Our threesomes were, well, simply put, they were amazing...best sex I've ever had. Unfortunately, she had a darkside and that relationship ended. I found out that her and PipedPiper had been sleeping together right before our wedding. I have never recovered from that information. It makes our wedding such a joke. She wanted him to divorce me, he refused, she left, 'nuff said. 3 years goes by. I needed a loooonnnggg time to recover. I was so angry and hurt.

Finally I told Piped Piper that I'm ready to let him try again. Things were good between us and I felt better. Enter Ant. She was young, beautiful, and very innocent. He appeared to be honest with her and liked her a lot. But she was too young for this life. 10 years our junior, she was terrified to fall for him or to meet me. We tried like 5 or 6 times and each time, the sky would fall, she wouldn't show, and the cycle would begin again. Eventually, she had a terrible accident and so far, has spent 14 months in the hospital recovering. Go figure - it happened the night I said, "forget it, I can't keep trying to do this - this is rediculous." But who bails on a girl in crisis? So he continued to try. But we had a trajedy of our own. Our family became very sick - PipedPiper and I lost one of our daughters (Butterfly) and the other spent 6 months in intensive care (Pea). I was hospitalized for a couple of weeks and he was treated outpatient. But it took an enormous toll on us both. Eventually, Ant and PipedPiper couldn't keep it going. She was in a hospital 3 hours away and becoming more and more depressed (not surprising) but with his own woes, it was just too much to continue.

3 months pass - and PipedPiper decides to date her sister, Colada. <sigh> Really? her sister? <sigh again> Well, Colada is older, better educated, more career minded, stronger....blah blah blah. As far as I can tell, she's just as commitment-phobic as her sister so it won't work either. Nonetheless, it's been 5 months now and they're in wuv. But she won't meet me either. And I mean, kicking, screaming, hysterical crying afraid to meet me. <sigh again and again> He says she's worth it - I coulnd't tell you - and at this point, I'm not sure I care. We've tried to connect over email but it's been sporatic, at best and agonizingly shallow. So basically, it's not doing anything for me. But he likes her and wants to make her comfortable. So I said forget it - make her your primary. I'm out.

Enter today. I've moved downstairs. We have two master suites in the house so I moved into the spare one. I've decided to take some time to spend with myself because I need a B-R-E-A-K! We just celebrated the girls' birthdays and it was very difficult missing one. I miss Butterfly so much it hurts sometimes. I resent PipedPiper for making me face, yet another, drama in the face of dealing with the children. But he's not going to change and I love my kiddies way too much to leave him so here we are - stuck. For better, for worse, I suppose.

But I've turned into a sniveling, sad, depressed, mess of a woman who begs for attention - who is that?! I don't BEG. or do I? Apparently I do. Well, no more. I need to reconnect with me and figure myself out before I can even consider how deal with Piper's poly "needs". And Colada? oh who knows...I have no idea how to deal with her, or even if I need to.

So I started this blog in order to record my thoughts and my journey. I've asked for 30 days of space. We'll see how it all unfolds. For now, I'm treated like the secondary - sorta. We use condoms, they don't. She gets first choice of time but I get all the responsibility (his moods, his needs, his work, etc). Enough! If she's going to be primary, then the responsibility comes with it! I'd like to just be the fun one - the one with energy, personal space, and only work to worry about. (well, except that I adore my children so I enjoy that privelege)

I don't know how I'll feel in 30 days...but I do know I should learn a thing or two. We'll see if I really like the idea of being second -- or not?
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  #2  
Old 07-17-2012, 06:38 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Thanks for coming here and sharing - it sounds like a very challenging situation that never seems to reach any real resolution, in spite of his best intentions. Glad you are getting a little distance from it, and starting to work on you.;
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Old 07-18-2012, 01:31 AM
pocketpoly86 pocketpoly86 is offline
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Default Day 2

First, I can’t believe I missed it – but I misspelled “Pied” throughout my entire entry – ugh – so I’ll correct it in the future – I think once I typed it wrong the first time I just didn’t notice I kept doing it. :/

Ok that said, here goes with my real entry:

Day 2

Today was ROUGH. Last evening, Pied Piper and I talked in my room for a while about how he can get Colada to be more available. It sounds like she hasn’t had a lot of serious relationships (if any) and is a work-a-holic so last month, somewhat hindered by travel, they only saw each other once….far too little for his taste. So I was helping him figure out how to tell her what he wanted. I didn’t mind helping – frankly, I kind of enjoyed it. I’m good at it and it makes me feel needed. Buuuttt….then I want to hear how things went. I want to see if what he did/said worked. I want to feel appreciated for my efforts – especially because I’m not actually comfortable with this situation. So basically, I’m helping him because I want to be supportive, even though it’s not my preference. Naively, I assume that a) he will appreciate my help, b) he will like me more, c) I will feel good that I was helpful, and d) I will feel more involved with him, and by extension her. WRONG-O.

I was doing well when I went to bed. I had a nice glass of wine, I lit my candles, I set up my blog – and then went to bed. But I realized I forgot my vibrator and texted him to bring down for me. He texted back saying he would send her and that I should confirm receipt (so the kids wouldn’t find it in the hall – yikes! Haha). I didn’t get the text until almost 2am though because I had fallen asleep. But now I’m nervous – she’s HERE? Or is he joking? (he does that a lot) Is she in MY bed having sex with MY husband? I text him back asking. No response. I check ALL NIGHT LONG – never a response. 6:30am, he texts me asking if I’ll nurse the baby in our/his room (who’s room is it now? I don’t know – I suppose it’s his). Before getting the baby though, I pop my head in and sit on the bed. I’m DYING to know what happened. He confirms she was there, that she left early, and “she says she’ll try.” I’m like – well, that’s the punchline – what are the details/nuances? I wanted to know how he was feeling – good? Happy? Excited? Appreciative? Did he like me more? No – he was tired. I was pissed. I hadn’t slept all night waiting to know and I got nothing. Not a single bit of excitement, inclusion, etc. I’m ok with not sharing details that would make her uncomfortable – I just want details about him and how it fits into our relationship. Instead, I felt rejected, stupid, left out, underappreciated, and angry. He got to have all the fun and didn’t have any energy left over for me – or the family. I got everyone in the house ready, got myself ready, got the house ready – he just slept in. :/

Work was rough too. I felt sick to my stomach much of the day and cried several times. When I came home, I had to turn right around to take my mom to the airport. He gave me a hug and said we’d talk when I got home. But when I got home, he immediately handed me the baby and started working on his computer. I was like – What are you doing? And I got the “what’s your problem look” – which just set me off even more. I said – you said we’d talk when I returned and he said, not immediately when you return. I responded – but I’m leaving in 20 minutes to take the other child to sports (which he knew) so when were you planning on talking? He said “tonight” – then why didn’t you just say that before? He didn’t know. I was numb.

Sports was good though – got my mind off everything. I talked with the other parents and focused on my child (which always makes me happy) I came home to a request to share dinner and a coffee with Bailey’s – and sweetness from him. I don’t know how the evening will go but we’ll see.

But they slept in my bed. That’s tough to swallow. Having sex is one thing – sleeping together when I’m downstairs is another entirely.

Ok, vent out. Now, the real stuff – what am I going to learn today? I think I should come up with one clear rule I need and one clear task I can do to help myself be more centered. Here goes:

Rule #1: Share your feelings with me the first time you see me after seeing her….even if you’re tired, working, whatever. Take 10 minutes to make me feel included.

Task #1: Avoid seeing Piper before 5pm – jeez, that seems unfair. But if I go with 10am, he’s already working and cranky. Maybe I’ll ask him tonight what he thinks is reasonable because I think 5pm is not.
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Old 07-18-2012, 06:02 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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WTF!!! He had her over to YOUR house, with your kids in the house and didn't have the decency to discuss it with you first? In my mind this was beyond rude. It sounds like they are both trying to push you out completely. Do some tag searches on boundaries and foundations.

This behavior, especially after such a tragic loss, IMHO is a red flag for help. Look into seeking counseling, individually and together. Likely, you both need more attention than the other is capable of giving.
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Old 07-18-2012, 02:02 PM
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Hmmm, so much focus on sex rather than relationships. I think your hubs would do well to slow down and actually think things through a little bit more. Sheesh.
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Old 07-18-2012, 03:21 PM
PiedPiper PiedPiper is offline
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Cool read carefully

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
WTF!!! He had her over to YOUR house, with your kids in the house and didn't have the decency to discuss it with you first? In my mind this was beyond rude. It sounds like they are both trying to push you out completely. Do some tag searches on boundaries and foundations.

This behavior, especially after such a tragic loss, IMHO is a red flag for help. Look into seeking counseling, individually and together. Likely, you both need more attention than the other is capable of giving.

I would gently suggest that you re-read the post before making inflammatory comments. Not only was the visit discussed beforehand, my GF (I don't call her Colada) coming over was Pocket's idea. Her stress in this situation was in not knowing whether my GF actually did arrive as she fell asleep.

I have decided for the most part to stay out of these conversations, however I will correct misinformation where necessary. There are some key pieces of information missing in all of this, but for now I'll refrain from sharing them as this isn't my blog.

We are each grieving the loss of our daughter in our own ways.

As to Indie's comment about the sex, our relationship is complex and may or may not fit someone else's definition of poly. There is a psychological dom/sub bent to our interactions which we find mutually erotic. My occupation of the marital bed with my GF is just one example of this. Pocket would likely admit that she enjoyed our date last night.

I will be the first to admit that I have not handled things well in the past (the back story on some of that goes all the way back to my early childhood), however I'm working daily with Pocket to enhance our communication and determine new ways to foster and strengthen our relationship. Our hope is that Colada will be able to work through her anxiety.

Pied Piper.

Last edited by PiedPiper; 07-18-2012 at 07:07 PM. Reason: personal
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Old 07-18-2012, 03:39 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I'd gently suggest YOU reread .....your wife post. "she's here ...is he joking " sounded surprised and caught off guard.
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Old 07-18-2012, 04:21 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PiedPiper View Post
I would gently suggest that you re-read the post before making inflammatory comments. Not only was the visit discussed beforehand, my GF (I don't call her Colada) coming over was Pocket's idea. Her stress in this situation was in not knowing whether my GF actually did arrive as she fell asleep.
Thanks for clearing that up - it didn't come across that way when I read it.

Quote:
We are each grieving the loss of our daughter in our own ways.
And your wife is still struggling ...

I see a number of red flags that tell me counseling could be extremely helpful, just the death of a child is reason in and of itself. It is usually the small things that can destroy a relationship and it can be very hard for those involved to figure out what they are, much less know how to verbalize it and find a solution.

Quote:
I'm working daily with Pocket to enhance our communication and determine new ways to foster and strengthen our relationship.

Last edited by SNeacail; 07-18-2012 at 07:42 PM.
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Old 07-18-2012, 04:34 PM
PiedPiper PiedPiper is offline
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Cool nuances

@Dingedheart:

We sat face to face, a foot apart, less than two hours before Colada arrived and discussed her visit. Pocket's reference is a metaphorical one indicating some level of psychological turmoil over the situation. I can assure you, she was neither surprised by nor unaware of the visit.

Apprehensive, yes. Unaware, absolutely not.

The anxiety stems from not having met Colada, which in turn is a function of Colada's own anxieties. As Piper mentioned in her blog intro, Colada has a fair amount of anxiety which has caused ongoing issues for some time. Pocket is fully supportive of my attempts to help Colada with those issues and has said so to me repeatedly both verbally and in writing. This blog is her vent/rant and may not include all of the information on any one topic. We've already jointly determined when/how I will break things off with Colada if we reach a point of no return. She's a phenomenal woman, but I won't allow her to ruin my marriage. I have offered to force Colada's hand and cut off further contact until she meets Pocket. Because of Pocket's background, she understands what's actually going on with Colada and is active in helping me work her through her anxiety.

The good news is this blog is helping me to key in on those areas where either I'm not understanding what Pocket is trying to tell me or she's not communicating clearly in person. I personally think there's a bit of both happening.

Pied Piper

Last edited by PiedPiper; 07-18-2012 at 09:07 PM. Reason: clarification
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Old 07-18-2012, 05:20 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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To be clear I wasn't questioning what you said as being correct. I thought it was unfair to be annoyed and tell someone to reread. I read it ....I reread it ...she didn't write any of that. The subtle metaphorical nature of her post was lost on me.

I truly hope this little experiment works out for all of you. My sincerest condolences for the loss of your child.

Good luck D

Last edited by dingedheart; 07-18-2012 at 05:31 PM.
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