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Old 07-18-2012, 02:54 PM
Elinan Elinan is offline
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 5
Default Seeing it through someone else's eyes

I've been thinking a lot lately about how it feels to be my 'secondary' person and not looking for anyone to help me 'fix' anything but simply to give me anything that would help make me a better partner with a more patient outlook... =)

I've never had any actual heartbreak in my life on the relationship-front -- crazy, right? But he has had a lot (long term relationship break up, women who tried to change him, no one who just let him be him). So while I very easily move my feet based on the urges of my heart I can intellectually understand how it is much harder for him. (As a side note here my husband had been heartbreak-laden at the onset of our relationship, but our relationship was so different, and being younger, you just look at things differently, I wish I'd recognized this earlier so I could have been a better partner for him earlier on and seen our early relationship –which probably progressed at a speed that scared the shit out of him--through his more-heartbroken-eyes.)

So what I struggle with is that I'm here, giving the love, without all the stuff he never wanted (rings, drama, not being whole and individual people) and knows I'll never ask for. He's on board with the situation and with me entirely. He had not known about polyamory before me but it jives very well with things he's wanted in his life and his outlook toward love. I know you can't take out all the old-heartbreak-trust-issue-stuff but how does it look like in your head when polyamory is involved? Shouldn't it look a bit different when the woman you're getting involved with is just looking for pure connection and offering acceptance and love? The freedom is there, the honesty and openness is there, is it simply just the difficulty in moving one's feet because the heart is saying, “you may get hurt”?

I'm being patient (which is taking some strength on my part), waiting, communicating that, being here and being open to what he needs, which is time. I'd just love to understand it better.
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