how soon should you meet your lover's girlfriend?

[CielDuMatin]

:-) That was an interesting meet-up!

[BrigidsDaughter]

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin

:-) That was an interesting meet-up!

yes, it was. You missed the one after, which felt kinda weird because it was only us, our SOs and metamours and we could have done that anywhere. I was hoping to get together sometime this summer, but July is pretty busy right now.

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin

The agreement that I have with my partners is that we will meet with new interests before anything happens that could be considered a relationship. We value each others opinions and really like to get input, since this person may well become a significant part of one of our lives.

If the other person doesn't want to meet yet, then that's perfectly fine, but it puts a limit on how far the relationship can develop. So in other words it just slow things down, which may be what you want anyway.

THANK YOU CIEL!
I've been struggling to figure out how to explain this. Frustrated and emotional to boot.
But, exactly.

Our rules don't say that a person has to meet me in order to talk with Maca. Just that no moves towards a romantic or sexual relationship can be established until then.

It's fine for them to meet at the coffee shop and talk to their hearts delight. But, no "romantic dating" or sexually behavior (including kissing/holding hands etc) until we've met.

[CielDuMatin]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

Our rules don't say that a person has to meet me in order to talk with Maca. Just that no moves towards a romantic or sexual relationship can be established until then.

It's fine for them to meet at the coffee shop and talk to their hearts delight. But, no "romantic dating" or sexually behavior (including kissing/holding hands etc) until we've met.

And, as I said in your other thread, this works as long as nobody is looking for casual hook-ups, which throws things way out of balance for agreements like this.

[LovingRadiance]

Very much so Ciel. Ah the complications huh? I haven't figured out precisely how to re-work that one. My take on casual is I simply don't want to deal with it BECAUSE it complicates the whole thing and as you pointed out-how the hell does anyone GUARANTEE that it stays casual?

[katiesunshine]

Ok I think it is important that the primary couple has rules, and that should be respected.

However, I can't help but wonder why exactly it is so important that everyone meets before anything sexual happens. If you trust your partner why not let him or her have sex and get to know this new person more fully? Will meeting before anything sexual happens really take away the fears you have?

Or am I totally missing the point here?

[km34]

Originally Posted by katiesunshine

Ok I think it is important that the primary couple has rules, and that should be respected.

However, I can't help but wonder why exactly it is so important that everyone meets before anything sexual happens. If you trust your partner why not let him or her have sex and get to know this new person more fully? Will meeting before anything sexual happens really take away the fears you have?

Or am I totally missing the point here?

By the time we get to the point where we are going to be sexual with someone, we know that he/she is probably going to be around for a while (unless it is a casual, short-term thing), so that's why we say the other should meet people BEFORE sex happens. If the person refuses to meet the spouse by that point, then chances are he/she isn't going to want to put up with the other things that come along with being in a relationship with one of us so it's an easy way to weed out people who really are in it for a sexual reason instead of a loving one. It doesn't have anything to do with trust or fear, it's just a step that needs to be taken at some point and before sex happens seems to be a good time for it.

I don't know if that represents most people here, but that's how we feel about it.

[katiesunshine]

I think it is important to take into account the feelings of all parties involved and also to be flexible. Seriously, if you get to the point where you all want to meet then there are definitely sexual feelings involved already. So why this stubbornness in terms of meeting before the actual sexual act? If I had been pushed to meet before I was ready I would have ended it, because I think it is unfair that the primary couple gets to dictate all the rules. Particularly if this turns out to be longterm. As it is now we are meeting tonight for a workout and let's see how everything will go. Probably well.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

My take on casual is I simply don't want to deal with it BECAUSE it complicates the whole thing and as you pointed out-how the hell does anyone GUARANTEE that it stays casual?

Keeping things casual doesn't have to mean excluding love (or other deeper feelings). For example, I definitely love Lively, but he and I will never be seriously committed as partners in the more conventional sense. Our relationship is certainly a casual one, yet it is also caring, affectionate, respectful, and loving. He has never said he loves me, but he acts lovingly toward me, and I am more than satisfied with that. I just appreciate being able to tell him I love him. We have great conversations, great sex,and fun times together. But sometimes we go two or three weeks between seeing each other, and our dates are rarely planned in advance. Both of us take a very casual and relaxed approach. Lively and I check in with each other periodically to make sure we're still on the same page - but then we leave it alone. The great thing about casual relationships is that there is less of a need for those tormented "big R" Relationship conversations about every little thing. Phew! The minute it becomes less lighthearted for either of us, I think we'd call it quits.

I see casual relationships and casual sex as two different things. Since starting my journey into poly, it took me a while to realize I want casual relationships, but I always knew am not looking for casual sex. For me, what this all means is that I want easygoing, fun friendships with guys who are willing to be my lovers as well. Now, there are all different shades of friendship, too, but I think the best way this all works for me is that, once I realized that a serious partnership or boyfriend-girlfriend type of commitment was not what I wanted, I stopped fooling myself and chasing after having "boyfriends" and "bigger" commitments.

I had to get honest with myself first, then get honest with any potential lover-friends. I don't let myself feel tempted to pretend to want more of a commitment than I actually want, just because I think that will make me more desirable to someone I am really hot for. One has to be willing to let go of a potential relationship, no matter how appealing or intriguing the fantasy of being with that person is, for the sake of being honest. I wonder if things go south with Maca's girlfriends because he feels pressured to find someone (to compete with you), gets interested in a woman who wants more than he does, becomes frantic about possibly losing an opportunity (still competing with you), and then leads her to believe he wants a relationship just to keep her interested in him, when he actually wants a more casual arrangement. That process is like lighting a fuse on a keg of dynamite, I think.

[km34]

Originally Posted by katiesunshine

I think it is important to take into account the feelings of all parties involved and also to be flexible. Seriously, if you get to the point where you all want to meet then there are definitely sexual feelings involved already. So why this stubbornness in terms of meeting before the actual sexual act? If I had been pushed to meet before I was ready I would have ended it, because I think it is unfair that the primary couple gets to dictate all the rules. Particularly if this turns out to be longterm. As it is now we are meeting tonight for a workout and let's see how everything will go. Probably well.

It's a health thing. I want to know whose cooties I'm being exposed to, because it doesn't matter how many precautions are taken, there is still risk in sharing a sexual partner with another person.

Dating can go on as long as they want it to, but as soon as he's going to have contact with her sexual fluid, it's either I meet her and feel like she is a safe person and therefore as little risk as possible to me or else he and I aren't going to have sexual contact until my comfort level is attained. He always chooses to let women know that they will have to meet me before it gets too physical and that if that is a deal breaker, so be it.

I don't think it's stubborn, I think it is gauging the level of risk that I am personally taking by continuing to sleep with someone who is sleeping with someone else.

I also don't think it means that I as a primary partner am controlling their relationship because of this. If a woman that my husband dates has certain things she needs to happen in order to see him, I'll work with that. If she wants to meet me before they go on an official date (generally to check up and make sure he's being legit about everything ) then I'll do that even if I feel like it's ridiculous to take the time to meet someone who may be gone tomorrow if the date doesn't go well.

Everyone has a choice upon entering into the situation. I can choose to meet people for my peace of mind when it comes to my sexual risks. People can choose not to date me or my husband because of our stubborn demand about meeting. Hubby can choose to ignore my preference and fuck whoever he wants. I can then choose that I don't feel safe having sex with him for a while. It's all a bunch of choices.

If a woman isn't ready to deal with meeting me in person, so be it, but that means I'm not ready to deal with the reality of her health potentially affecting mine.