Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 07-05-2012, 10:49 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,698
Default

Hello Torn,
Welcome to our forum.

I think the most important thing here is that your partner call or text you (with the understanding that it'll just be a short call or text) at least once a day when he's away. If you've already told him that you need this, and he's said, "No," then you have a problem and will have to decide if it's a dealbreaker. If you haven't told him that you need this, then you should let him know.

I'm sure there will always be a little jealousy tugging at the edges, so use whatever distractions you have to their utmost ability to help you keep your mind on other things. Also you might want to consider asking him to go on an out-of-town vacation trip with you sometime.

Hope this helps,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 07-10-2012, 08:19 PM
Letitbe Letitbe is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: WI
Posts: 34
Default

I highly suggest meeting her. I was having jealousy issues of the other woman my husband was in love with. It really helped meeting her. Before meeting her I kind of put her on a pedestal. Meeting her and getting to know her, I realized she was human lol and a very nice person. It helped a lot with jealousy.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 07-10-2012, 08:56 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 28
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Letitbe View Post
I highly suggest meeting her. I was having jealousy issues of the other woman my husband was in love with. It really helped meeting her. Before meeting her I kind of put her on a pedestal. Meeting her and getting to know her, I realized she was human lol and a very nice person. It helped a lot with jealousy.
Thanks I actually did suggest that to him upon his return. I'm still learning and to be honest, everything I'm feeling is so new. It's scary but I think ultimately, he is worth it.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 07-10-2012, 08:58 PM
Letitbe Letitbe is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: WI
Posts: 34
Default

I COMPLETELY understand. I'm new to this too.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 07-10-2012, 09:01 PM
Letitbe Letitbe is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: WI
Posts: 34
Default

If you ever want to talk feel free to send me a PM.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 07-11-2012, 03:32 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 28
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I think the most important thing here is that your partner call or text you (with the understanding that it'll just be a short call or text) at least once a day when he's away. If you've already told him that you need this, and he's said, "No," then you have a problem and will have to decide if it's a dealbreaker. If you haven't told him that you need this, then you should let him know.

I'm sure there will always be a little jealousy tugging at the edges, so use whatever distractions you have to their utmost ability to help you keep your mind on other things. Also you might want to consider asking him to go on an out-of-town vacation trip with you sometime.
What you wrote totally helped. I talked to him about texting/calling at least once a day when he's away and discussed my openness to even meeting her. I am not sure which one his primary is, or if he even prefers to call one of us his primary. I made it known to him that although I have poly tendencies, I am invested in him only for now. Jealousy is something I could learn to handle eventually (I am hoping). Since he's been back, it's been good. I am trying to concentrate on the positives and hoping that the hurdle we had last week was something that taught both of us a valuable lesson to make our relationship stronger.

I'm hoping, too, that we do go on vacation some time.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 07-18-2012, 11:46 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,150
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
It is NOT unreasonable to expect a partner (poly or not) to make a point of letting you know daily that they are thinking of you and love you . . . But, there is no reason you can't expect (once you've stated the need) for him to agree to call or text you a few times a day if he's going to be out of face to face contact for more than a part of a day.
WOW, that is all just so excessive to me. Daily? Several times a day? Really? UGH!!! That would feel very oppressive to me if I were asked to do that just to reassure someone. And, personally, I would not assume that I am not being thought of simply because I haven't heard from someone. There are people I am very close with and think of many times a day, yet I am not in touch with them for weeks at a time, and then we just pick up where we left off. People who know me know that's just the way I am. OP, perhaps your bf is more like me, and does not need daily contact to feel secure in a relationship. In that case, it may simply never have occurred to him that you would feel excluded and forgotten.

It does sound like you are someone who really needs that day-to-day contact, whereas that would feel claustrophobic and like overkill to me. This could just be a clash of communication styles or love languages. While I think it is important to let him know this is a need of yours, I also believe you would do well to think of compromises you can also accept, because he may not enjoy or be able to keep up with daily contact.

How long have you and this guy been seeing each other? Do you feel like you might be overly attached to him, or to some expectation here? Your first post expresses some disappointment in yourself for being a "hypocrite," about which it seems you meant your independence as a woman. So, where did you trip yourself up and become so much more attached than you want to be? It is possible to love, and love deeply, without attachment. Maybe you could ask yourself how that would look to you, in your mind's eye, for a relationship. Just some questions to point out a possible direction for your inner exploration of motives, wants, needs, etc.

I also think it would probably be good for you to keep going on dates with other people. Go beyond your comfort zone and sit with the feelings that come up surrounding that. Just don't attach expectation of a relationship to the dates -- go out with the goal of enjoying someone's company and getting to know them. Have fun.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 07-18-2012 at 11:59 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 08-08-2012, 06:37 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 28
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
WOW, that is all just so excessive to me. Daily? Several times a day? Really? UGH!!! That would feel very oppressive to me if I were asked to do that just to reassure someone. And, personally, I would not assume that I am not being thought of simply because I haven't heard from someone. There are people I am very close with and think of many times a day, yet I am not in touch with them for weeks at a time, and then we just pick up where we left off. People who know me know that's just the way I am. OP, perhaps your bf is more like me, and does not need daily contact to feel secure in a relationship. In that case, it may simply never have occurred to him that you would feel excluded and forgotten.

Sorry for the late response. I do appreciate your reply and have reflected on them. Perhaps to him it is uber excessive to text/call me often. I don't know if 'oppressive' is the right word for it, but I understand your point. I realize we have different needs (me and him) and it's something I have to really think about whether or not in the end we are a good match after all.



Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
It does sound like you are someone who really needs that day-to-day contact, whereas that would feel claustrophobic and like overkill to me. This could just be a clash of communication styles or love languages. While I think it is important to let him know this is a need of yours, I also believe you would do well to think of compromises you can also accept, because he may not enjoy or be able to keep up with daily contact..


I do need some sort of day to day contact, but nothing excessive than "hope your day is going well" text. Reality for me is, if that one thing that probably will take a few seconds in a day is TOO MUCH to handle, then again, we might not be a match...


Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
How long have you and this guy been seeing each other? Do you feel like you might be overly attached to him, or to some expectation here? Your first post expresses some disappointment in yourself for being a "hypocrite," about which it seems you meant your independence as a woman. So, where did you trip yourself up and become so much more attached than you want to be? It is possible to love, and love deeply, without attachment. Maybe you could ask yourself how that would look to you, in your mind's eye, for a relationship. Just some questions to point out a possible direction for your inner exploration of motives, wants, needs, etc...
Definitely realizing more and more that my attachment may be an issue and to be truthful, this scares me. I don't usually get attached but then there are no written rules to this, we all do our best as we go, don't we? I am beginning to prepare myself for whatever may come.



Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I also think it would probably be good for you to keep going on dates with other people. Go beyond your comfort zone and sit with the feelings that come up surrounding that. Just don't attach expectation of a relationship to the dates -- go out with the goal of enjoying someone's company and getting to know them. Have fun.

I tend to agree that it would be good for me to keep going on dates with other people. Yesterday, I agreed to go on a date with someone I met on a Poly Munch in my area. So let's see how that goes.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 08-08-2012, 06:45 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,151
Default

Nyc-I know. I know you and I are very different.
But-we aren't dating-and that makes it all good.

The thing is-if that is something the Op needs-then she needs to express it-and if it IS oppressive to the bf, this may not be a good match.

I have friends who I talk to RARELY (months go by) but I consider them CLOSE friends.

But-I don't have any lovers who are "secondary" and if I was building a primary relationship (both of mine are to me) then I would expect to be free to be in contact daily.

Right this moment DH is working out of town and we text periodically throughout the day. It's not really about "reassurance" it's about remaining connected to one anothers lives despite distance. That I have multiple lovers doesnt in anyway diminish my desire (or theirs) to remain connected daily.

So-if it's something like this that the op needs to be happy and content in a relationship, then it's what she deserves.


JUST LIKE-you deserve to not be harassed daily by texts and phone calls if you don't want them.

(I DO like when you disagree with me-because I really appreciate the way that you write out your disagreements and because it helps to have multiple viewpoints expressed. Besides-I just like you!)
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 08-08-2012, 09:17 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 28
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
The thing is-if that is something the Op needs-then she needs to express it-and if it IS oppressive to the bf, this may not be a good match.

I have friends who I talk to RARELY (months go by) but I consider them CLOSE friends.

But-I don't have any lovers who are "secondary" and if I was building a primary relationship (both of mine are to me) then I would expect to be free to be in contact daily.
Thank you for this... I really can't thank everyone here enough for the variety of viewpoints you all are offering me. I know I have to express my needs, but my fear is that I become TOO needy...

He's mentioned that my "constant need for reassurance is starting to feel like maintenance". It hurt hearing that but I know he's speaking the truth. So, right now I am backing off.

I think what's important here is for me to find my balance again. I realize this more than ever now. That we may be compatible in most cases, except for this one. Is it a deal breaker? At this point, I am not sure. At this point even, I have a feeling he is starting to lose interest. But then, that's my view based on the disconnect I have been getting from him.

I do agree that it is not really about reassurance but about remaining connected. I will try to explain this to him next time I see him... if it isn't too late.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:45 PM.