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Old 07-18-2012, 03:04 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Originally Posted by Hudson View Post
... Is this common in poly relationships?

I am curious because I am told that almost all poly couples share the intimate details of their secondary relationships with their primaries.

What is your experience?
The problem with your original question is the part where you said "Almost All Poly Couples".....there is no "almost all poly people" for anything!
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
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Old 07-18-2012, 08:13 AM
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rory rory is offline
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I wouldn't put all the responsibility on the more open person. They should be thoughtful and ask before sharing details but the person who doesn't want anything shared should communicate that clearly.

I also don't think it's automatically the more private person whose wishes are the ones respected. It is crucial to find out these things before getting intimate. I have a right to my own boundaries around being open. For example, I have a boundaries that I will not be anybody's dirty little secret and that I will not be closeted (i.e. I may choose to hide the fact that I am queer, but nobody else has that choice though I may take other's feelings into consideration). That means that if I am intimate with somebody, that fact is mine to share if I wish. I certainly want to be sensitive to the other person's wishes for privacy, but if I am told after the fact that they want nobody to know, that is too late. If I am told in advance, then we can see if it is a good idea for us to go there at all.
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Old 07-18-2012, 08:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
While I don't think I'd ever have a problem with people sharing anything about me, I would feel absolutely betrayed if they ever did it without checking first.
Exactly. It's a consent issue.
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:22 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Exactly Tonberry! That topic got so out of hand this winter, I actually wiped clean all of the computers in the house of ANY photos of me that were even moderately suggestive or unclothed!
There has to be the RIGHT to privacy-even if I don't choose to keep myself private, it still has to be MY decision.
LR, I can see in a case like yours, where your primary is dating another whom you don't like or trust, it would be very violating to have him sharing sexual or intimate details. That could get very messy, indeed.

When I was dating a lot in 2009 and '10, I guess there is a slight chance some of the guys might have shared some things about me with their dude friends, but it really didn't affect our relationship. But anyone I was seeing seriously, I knew he wasn't going around town a lot talking about the woman he was banging, nor badmouthing me to his wife or another gf.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixi (poly, F, 40) together since 2009
My bf Kahlo (poly-friendly, M, 45) since August 2017
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's bf for 5 years
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Old 07-18-2012, 08:31 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Exactly Mag.

Once I feel comfortable with someone-I don't mind them knowing things about me and OBVIOUSLY if I'm comfortable enough to tell them I ran a business called Loving Radiance-they could dig up a LOT of dirt cause I tell you guys all sorts of stuff on here.

I'm really not a very private person. I honestly don't mind people knowing a lot about me.
It's more that I want my partners to understand that it's still MY right to decide, even if I decide I don't care and the world can know.

It's too easy for Maca to decide he can say whatever he wants "cause you don't care so what does it matter". What it matters is that it's MY life and MY privacy and mine to share.

Ironically, being committed to someone who struggles so much with respecting boundaries of others whilst having such strict boundaries about how others treat him has really made me anal about "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" even though functionally I'm SOOOOOOO much more easy going and nonplussed by shit like that.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 07-18-2012, 11:46 PM
TequilaMockingbird TequilaMockingbird is offline
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I don't share details, nor do I ask - I have told hubby about some fantasies I'd like to pursue, things that really don't interest him. It's all theoretical at this point, but while he knows some of the broad strokes I won't be giving him the minute details. I don't tell my friends details either, so this is pretty consistent for me.

As for him, I don't ask about the details of things with his girlfriend - I might ask how the day went or nonsexual stuff, but I think they deserve some privacy so I don't pry.

It might change if we were both involved with the same person (or a couple) but I kinda doubt it.

And like many others, I don't want anyone broadcasting details of my intimate life without permission. It seems disrespectful.
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Old 07-18-2012, 11:50 PM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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You know TM... I JUST realized what your username is a play on.

*smacks forehead for taking so long to get it*

Nothing to do with the thread but I find it excellent, lol.
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Old 07-19-2012, 01:07 AM
TequilaMockingbird TequilaMockingbird is offline
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Thank you! Pleased to be of service.
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Old 07-19-2012, 02:18 AM
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Default What to Share

I have found that I am pleased to hear about Isa's relationships, how it is going, where she thinks it will go, amusing anecdotes, etc. She is not inclined to give me details about her sex life and I am not inclined to ask.

On my end, I don't share intimate details about other lovers, sex or otherwise. That is just my tendency to not over-share, it's not a statement of whether or not I trust Isa with the information, I am certain she would share appropriately, if at all.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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Old 11-18-2012, 09:10 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default I am a very private person

and not too many things bother me more than others sharing about my private life with others. But in the situation of shared lovers I don't consider it a problem unless of course the other lover fails to keep that private information to their self. I strongly believe in full disclosure, without details, mostly because I have only met a few people that know what they're talking about when it comes to sexually transmitted diseases. If a girl friend of mine had vaginal sex with a condom, but let him penetrate her ass without one that is definitely something I want disclosed as keeping such info from another sexual partner is flat out irresponsible.

And only because there are some people who are ignorant enough or do not fully comprehend the concept of honesty, might get confused and after intercourse with a man that involved wearing a condom for vaginal penetration but no condom for anal and describe such an interaction as "safe sex" I need to know where the penetration was if any and whether or not there was a latex barrier at all times. I don't care if their partner was the worst or best lover they had ever had, but to me their is a difference between intercourse where a condom is worn at all times and sex where insertion and the first thrusts (ie: the latter should be stated as sex with a condom, however the sex didn't start with one )

I realize that everybody tells white lies or stretches the truth here and there, but when it comes to sex and people and care about everything regarding risks of contracting a disease is black and white for me. Full disclosure and definitions of exactly what constitutes safe sex is doctrine to me. People who do not share my views I have no time for in my life.

I know it sounds stupid, but I have been dumbfounded by people's idea of full disclosure and I as a result of having too large discrepancies in too many important words (such as "safe sex") I am no longer friends with those people, but I do not talk smack about them

I am very private but very understanding of the fact that people have some pretty freaky kinks, to the point where I don't mind sharing details about my life when I know that said details are not going to go any further nor will they be mentioned even anonymously because you'd be surprised how identifiable details are even when anonymous. They are esp identifiable to parties who participated, which evidently is a hard concept to understand for some third parties who were not present.

I realize that some people may not share my views and I have absolutely no rightful place in telling anybody what they can or can't do. I also realize I cannot hold other people responsible for my views on what constitutes sexual health and I cannot hold people responsible when they are not completely honest, esp when I am not the one engaging in sex acts but rather our link is just a person in common. However I do expect my partners to be not be naive and I do not take kindly to people who put me at risk. I have absolutely no respect for anyone that knowingly puts others at risk and does not disclose that they did so. Again I would never talk smack about such a person but actions like those are sure fire ways to immediately lose my respect.

Trust with me is huge, but at the same time so is being respectful of privacy. My views in regards to distinguishing right from wrong in matters of trust and privacy are for the most part set in stone. They are part of my core values and don't really offer any situational leeway or gray areas which for me means most if not all matters are either black or white.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 11-18-2012 at 09:21 AM. Reason: additional content
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