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  #111  
Old 07-06-2012, 12:40 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Fiona,
I can imagine your partners puzzlement. My boyfriend flat refused to socialize with the latest girlfriend (of my husbands) because he felt it was heading that direction from the get go and didn't want to be caught in the middle. He's VERY outgoing-but from the beginning there was so much mis-information going around he just fled from the whole thing.

It's unfortunate that so many of us are struggling to figure out how to go about operating and communicating how we operate in our dynamics-because it leads to a LOT of confusion when assumptions are made or misinformation is shared.

I'm a very outgoing open person. But, I have to make the relationship on my own. I don't automatically give myself to someone because they are a "friend of a friend". So, the fact that someone thinks they are in love with my husband (I have doubts on account of MY definition of love and how quickly they disappear-I believe it's NRE and lust)
doesn't automatically mean I'm going to open up to them. They have to take time to get to know ME and allow me to know THEM if they want that.

Unfortunately, that is scary for some women-a lot of them from what I've gathered. I'm ok with not knowing them well. But, Maca wants something along the lines of what I have with GG; and THAT isn't possible unless the time is taken to build the cross friendships. (ie-her me, her GG, etc).

GG and I were best friends for YEARS before we started dating. YEARS. He already was considered part of the family before we started dating.
It makes a HUGE difference.

When you're rushing to get to bed with each other...
Well-it just changes everything when its rushed.
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  #112  
Old 07-06-2012, 03:52 PM
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I really dislike the primary couple privilege thing. There have been some adjustments that we have had to make because of the mono/poly nature of my relationship, but I was very insistent on the "same rules for everyone" when it came to disclosing private information. It's not about keeping secrets, it's about what part of the relationship is private and which is not.

In my opinion there can't be any blanket rules that always apply - it's up to individual preference, boundaries and needs. It is vital that these be discussed during the initial negotiations with all the involved parties, so that expectations can be set.

And, if the shoe were on the other foot - if I were wanting to get involved with one member of a couple and were told that all details of our sex life would be shared between them, but that I wouldn't get the same from them, then I would say thank you and walk away.
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  #113  
Old 07-17-2012, 11:21 AM
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I hope you inform all your partners of this before there's anything to tell.
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  #114  
Old 07-17-2012, 11:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by allen001 View Post
yeah i share my sexual relationship details.
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Originally Posted by Emm View Post
I hope you inform all your partners of this before there's anything to tell.
I've never needed a formal go ahead from any of my lovers to share information about sexy times with my gf. It just seems to be obvious from the get go that everyone is pleasantly titlillated by hearing about what I do with the other. My longterm gf miss pixi just feels compersion, and my male lovers feel aroused and excited to hear about what she and I do. I guess I just feel drawn to people who are an open book in that area.

Now that miss p and the Ginger and I are moving from a V to a triad, slowly and cautiously, and have shared sex twice, feeling secretive about any one on one times would be ... pointless? But that's just our experience and our comfort zone. Not that I share every detail every time I get to have sex with either, but I just don't feel the need to hide things.
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  #115  
Old 07-17-2012, 02:29 PM
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And again, I hope they were all aware of that before there was anything to tell.

If I'm going to be discussed in detail with someone I'm not involved with then I want to know about it in advance. That way if I'm not comfortable I can remove myself from any situation worth discussing. It doesn't need to be a formal agreement, but it does need to be at least understood by all.
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  #116  
Old 07-17-2012, 02:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
And again, I hope they were all aware of that before there was anything to tell.
Again, no need for formality. My gf is an open book and the guys have all been proud of their own sexual prowess (and as a female bi couple, most of the guys probably feel a covert interest in interesting my gf in some kind of 3way action! )

Quote:
If I'm going to be discussed in detail with someone I'm not involved with then I want to know about it in advance. That way if I'm not comfortable I can remove myself from any situation worth discussing. It doesn't need to be a formal agreement, but it does need to be at least understood by all.
That's fine for you. Different for me/us!
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miss pixi, 37
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  #117  
Old 07-17-2012, 03:25 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
If I'm going to be discussed in detail with someone I'm not involved with then I want to know about it in advance. That way if I'm not comfortable I can remove myself from any situation worth discussing. It doesn't need to be a formal agreement, but it does need to be at least understood by all.
I am in the same boat, and have refused to get involved with folks who I know were far more open about communicating to others about the intimate details of their sex lives than I was comfortable with.

Not saying it's wrong or right, just that different people have different boundaries when it comes to that and it's worth making sure (rather than assuming) that everyone's comfort levels are compatible.
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  #118  
Old 07-17-2012, 06:59 PM
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Interestingly, this one alters for me-depending on the partner.
There are some people I would be perfectly ok with our sexual details being shared. Some I am not.

So we have an agreement that nothing gets shared without permission.

Shrug.
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  #119  
Old 07-17-2012, 11:26 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I'm definitely the same as Ciel and Emm. While I don't think I'd ever have a problem with people sharing anything about me, I would feel absolutely betrayed if they ever did it without checking first. I would equate it with sharing naked pictures of me without asking for my permission.
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  #120  
Old 07-18-2012, 02:53 AM
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Exactly Tonberry! That topic got so out of hand this winter, I actually wiped clean all of the computers in the house of ANY photos of me that were even moderately suggestive or unclothed!
There has to be the RIGHT to privacy-even if I don't choose to keep myself private, it still has to be MY decision.
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