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  #11  
Old 07-17-2012, 06:24 PM
VegasMamma VegasMamma is offline
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Thumbs up Thank you everyone!

Thank you all so so very much for all your feedback and support!

I'm feeling a lot better today, still heartbroken and confused... I sat and talked with her alone, and yes, she does feel like he cheated on her with me, she also feels like he put me first. She says she doesn't blame me for any of it because I was lied to as well. She understands that I in no way engaged in this to hurt her.

It is going to take some time, and I am so angry at him that he lied to us both, I feel like he threw what we had or could have had away.

We have agreed that the ex is no longer welcomed into our home. She herself is in a monogamous relationship, and her partner has no clue about anything, not to mention she came in and disrespected us in our home by doing what she did under our roof.

GalaGirl... Thank you for the reply, that in itself opened my eyes up tremendously!

Taking this one day at a time, but I hope we can mend our relationship, because I really don't want to leave, and I really don't want to be with anyone else either
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  #12  
Old 07-17-2012, 08:15 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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People sound like they are calming from the initial heat of the moment. That's is good.

Glad you are feeling better today in yourself.

Glad also that the branch of "your relationship to her" is doing better and she's not blaming you for this like you were out to get her or something. You both are on the same page about the ex not being welcome in your home is good -- that just adds to the messy.

Hopefully he's on board with that also when you talk to him alone, when she talks to him on that alone, and when you all talk about it to him in trio.

Keep working on all the branches that took a ding one at a time and do your best to avoid triangulation or the game of "two of you ganging up on me" obfuscating issues.

Perhaps his assumption was that the women would sort it out among themselves? Who knows what assumptions he had? Gonna have to find out and air those views.

But def continue to take it one thing at a time, sort it one thing at a time, take it slow, and everyone BREATHE. If the goal is still a harmonious, cohabitating "V" situation, let's all keep the overall mission in mind despite bumps in the road as you sort yourselves out.

GL!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-17-2012 at 08:31 PM.
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  #13  
Old 07-17-2012, 08:17 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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The fact that you and she have been able to have an open and honest discussion about this issue is HUGE and it bodes well for a good outcome.

It sounds like the major issue here has nothing to do directly with either of you - it's all about him and his honesty.

So, if you don't mind me asking - are you going to put sex with him on hold until you have worked this through? Or is she ok with you and he continuing to have sex?
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  #14  
Old 07-17-2012, 08:51 PM
VegasMamma VegasMamma is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
The fact that you and she have been able to have an open and honest discussion about this issue is HUGE and it bodes well for a good outcome.

It sounds like the major issue here has nothing to do directly with either of you - it's all about him and his honesty.

So, if you don't mind me asking - are you going to put sex with him on hold until you have worked this through? Or is she ok with you and he continuing to have sex?
She told me personally that she no longer wants him to have a sexual relationship with me (This may also stem from them only having sex together twice in the last 7 months). I'm extremely hurt by this, and don't agree with that decision, but as her friend I told her I will respect her wishes and will let her know if he pushes for it. I really hope she changes her mind, because as I stated before I really don't want to be with anyone else.
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  #15  
Old 07-17-2012, 09:06 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Wow, twice in 7 mos? While in that time he's off with you sexually without her knowing in the home you share? That's got to sting her A LOT. As far as sexual needs go, I could see where she feels like he put his and your sexual needs first.

So there WAS more he was shirking her on. She had other needs going unmet you did not know about besides the need for clear communication. Sigh.

Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if he's not having ANY sex with EITHER of you until you sort out the communication problems here and everyone is good again. Pretty big faux pas. I know you state you don't want to be with anyone else but I'm sure you don't want to be in like THIS -- in a big ol' mess.

In my world there's rights and responsibilities in relationships. Each relationship branch in your polyship could review the rights and responsibilities and see what end of the stick got dropped when and agree how to move it forward if the rship is to remain in place and heal from this big ding that's been made all the harder by not establishing a clear framework of your own 7 mos ago.

You could chalk it up to it being your first polyship -- dings will happen. It's how you COPE with said dings that will determine if the polyship will grow stronger or what. And this is a coparenting, cohabitating "V" thing here -- you cannot get away from each other in separate apartments or something. You have to deal with it.

It's all a big tangle right now and putting a pause on all things sexual til it gets sorted isn't FUN for you, but it's not a horrible or unreasonable soft limit for her to ask for right now in the emotional aftermath for all sex relationships to pause. It's kind of you to agree for now in the interest your friendship with her and in the interest of sorting things out to a better place first if the big goal is still a harmonious cohabitating "V." If that's the goal, sleeping with him while this communication break down thing is going on and her sex needs are going unmet is additional waves being made that doesn't need to happen or add on to the pile. Nobody died from not having sex for a bit. There's always flying solo and masturbating.

I could see where you both are super mad at him for various reasons.

I sympathize -- but breathe. Untangle this mess one layer at a time. I'll keep hoping for the best -- since your repair work with her seems to be going ok for now. Repair work with him will be a bigger ball of yarn.

Keep in mind you have been his lover for 7 mos.

To her you've been his lover for 7 mos for only 2 days. And the knowledge came in a cheaty context for her -- make out with exgf, and being loverly with the live in co-parent without her knowing!

You are going to have anxiety now for your home situation and want to know -- is that still the goal? A harmonious, cohabitating and coparenting "V" relationship?

And is it a soft limit (that can be renegotiated in time after healing has happened) for her or a hard limit (never happening) on your sexual relationship with him?

But some of that discomfort you all have to just own and deal with owning -- because she cannot give you answers she does not yet know. You all need processing time from the emotional storm.

Hang in there. BREATHE.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-17-2012 at 09:43 PM.
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  #16  
Old 07-17-2012, 11:07 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Again, Galagirl has some great advice (you're making a habit of this, GG!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by VegasMamma View Post
She told me personally that she no longer wants him to have a sexual relationship with me (This may also stem from them only having sex together twice in the last 7 months). I'm extremely hurt by this, and don't agree with that decision
Well, you may well be hurt, but you have to remember that she never really completely gave full permission for you two to have sex in the first place, even though you thought that was the case.

You said in your intial post "It was always said that there was no problem with me sleeping with him if the opportunity ever arose." - Who said that to you - him or her? I mean did she say that directly to you, or did he tell you that she was ok with it? Do you have that in an email or something? Have you asked her whether she remembers saying that? Do you remember the context of the statement?

If you don't mind me asking - how on earth could the three of you live together in the same house and her not know that he was having sex with you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by VegasMamma View Post
but as her friend I told her I will respect her wishes and will let her know if he pushes for it. I really hope she changes her mind, because as I stated before I really don't want to be with anyone else.
This whole relationship needs to have the "PAUSE" button pushed until everyone has time to get this whole thing sorted out.

What has HE said about all of this? He is the one that seems to have been either accidentally or deliberately responsible for this. Not only that, but "messing around" with an ex without either of you knowing about it. I'd say that there were some major trust issues that need to be worked through - if not, how can you ever trust him about any aspect of your relationship? You can't rely on your friendship with his other partner for everything. He needs to take ownership of what he is doing.
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  #17  
Old 07-18-2012, 12:05 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I still trying to get my head around moving in ....being called a sister wife and never having a conversation on sleeping arrangements or sleeping/sex schedule. And the years of cyber sex...phone sex leading up to this. Why and how were you both lucky enough to not get caught? Why the lying if they're poly? You said "one of their ex girl friends"....is the wife bi? Does she have any partners currently?

Last edited by dingedheart; 07-18-2012 at 12:10 AM.
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