How do you know?

[Test4truth]

Hello everyone, new to poly. Not sure if I am to tell ya the truth. How do you know for sure that you are poly?

[CielDuMatin]

Well, rather than us writing lots about stuff that may not apply to you, how about you talk about your situation and thinking, and we can give you a free opinion/diagnosis.

[Castalia]

The simple truth?
I have known/felt monogamy wasn't for/didn't make sense to since I was a child. I could never combine society's rules and ideals with my feelings. For a long time I thought this meant that I should not/could not be in a long term relationship. It has only been within the last couple of years that I found my feelings were not unusual and that there was a word for it.
For some people it's an option but not necessity. For others it is only with or because of certain people that they choose this path and for others it is ingrained in who we are. There are a lot of different paths and ways to be poly, not one way suites everyone.

[nycindie]

You don't have to "be poly" to practice it. If you are ready to do the work necessary to have multiple loving relationships, and are willing to conduct them ethically and honestly, go for it.

[Test4truth]

Well i have been married for 24 yrs now, my wife, about 4 yrs ago was going thru a change. She was begining to understand that she was/is poly. After years of division i finally came to the understanding of polyamory and began to imbrace it. Searching and doing personal inventory has helped me realize that i may also be poly too or have the compacity. She thinks i may be hard wired mono. Some make it sound like a genetic disposition while others make it sound like its a choice. I've had someone say.. " you can't become poly...you are either poly or your not."

[Test4truth]

Thank you for your reply Castalia, it sounds like we all have the ability to come to this form of love and exceptance and that were all not hard wired to be either mono or poly.

[Test4truth]

Thanks for your reply nycindie, Im tryin to progress. She has been dating for a little while now and im feeling awkward about starting.

[Marcus]

Originally Posted by Test4truth

Thank you for your reply Castalia, it sounds like we all have the ability to come to this form of love and exceptance and that were all not hard wired to be either mono or poly.

That is one philosophy. Hard wiring does indeed play a large part in what types of activities/persuasions we are "likely" to adopt. The trick is that it does not decide *entirely* what we can do.

I for one agree with a dear friend who classified polyamory as an "orientation". Meaning that it is something we are either wired to accept or not. As with any behavioral genetic hard wiring there is room for negotiation, but there comes a time when we are either mono or poly, gay or straight, skeptic or sheep. Note that this is my opinion, not scientific fact.

On the other hand, how can we know if we can adopt a new philosophy until we try? How can we know for sure that we won't be able to embrace a new way of life if we don't look into it, do some reflection, talk to people of like mind? So I say you are taking a big step and looking down the path of polyamory. Who knows if it will be something that will add value to your life - but at least you're giving it a whirl.

[Thinspirit]

I really appreciate what you said there Marcus. It is also my opinion that people are hard wired to lean in the direction of being poly but in fact have to be in an environment that exposes them to the philosophy or concepts in order to actually adopt it.

It's similar to those that have a leaning or talent in music or math I feel. You don't become good at it without practice or hard work but some people enjoy that hard work more than others or simply get the "material" better than others.