Originally Posted by janndemery
he is the one that wants to marry me, but marriage to me is out of the question because where would that put J, I feel if I told R that I am still seeing J he would leave me altogether and that would break my heart
Living a double life is not living at all.
I don't envy you your position but it is entirely of your own design. If you choose to do the right thing and be honest with these men you may well lose one or both of them. If you choose to continue lying to them and running around behind their backs, treating them as if they are children who cannot handle the truth then you will keep these feelings you have now.
You are going to need to make the call, is honesty and the risk of loss better than keeping what you have now?