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Old 07-16-2012, 03:59 PM
RunningMan RunningMan is offline
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Default Is it normal to be nervous about "The Poly" conversation?

After posting on here and talking to a few friends about my situation, I have decided to have "The Poly" conversation with my partner. I have been a little hesitant, which I thought was kind of normal, you know embarking on a new path of life. My friend said that I shouldn't be this nervous and should feel comfortable having this conversation after 10 yrs.

So my question is, were you guys nervous or apprehensive before you had the conversation with you significant other?

How did you break the ice, did you joke about it, or just jump right into it?
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Old 07-16-2012, 04:13 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I was just straight up about it and I wasn't all that nervous about it. But in my situation, I wasn't having that convo with a partner of 10 years. I was having it with a guy I wanted to date that later ended up as my husband. So he's known from the get go.

If I were coming out to him now I'd be in mixed feelings. Not nervous to just stragight up it because -- shoot! It's my partner for nearly 20 yrs, right? We've had other big talks before, no prob.

On the flip side... shoot! It's my partner for nearly 20 years. I wouldn't be happy to find that poly was a deal breaker for him. The big talk would not be a prob but the result could be.

But I'd just spit it out anyway. Being honest is easier in the long run.

GG
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Old 07-16-2012, 05:43 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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The closest I've come to having to have The Great Poly Talk was telling my mono boyfriend of five years that I was attracted to a girl I'd met. I was testing the waters... but never actually knew what poly was back then. He was absolutely fine about it. But then, he had the view that 'girls are ok; just don't date men'.

The woman I am now in my poly V with had a different Poly Talk situation. She had been with her husband, mono, for about 10 years. They were having a lot of difficulties and she basically issued the ultimatum - poly or divorce. Not sure that's the best way to go about it either.

I'd say that of course it's normal to feel nervous. I'm betting you feel about as nervous as I did telling my family I (thought I was) a lesbian when I was 13. Then about as nervous as I felt doing a U-turn when I was 17 and telling them "oops, I meant bisexual"... haha....

I would just sit your partner down and take the plunge. Once the words are out of your mouth, the hardest part of talking will come. It will flow from there. Hopefully, they will have questions about your feelings.

I think it's completely normal to be nervous... good luck!
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Old 07-16-2012, 06:24 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RunningMan View Post
After posting on here and talking to a few friends about my situation, I have decided to have "The Poly" conversation with my partner. I have been a little hesitant, which I thought was kind of normal, you know embarking on a new path of life. My friend said that I shouldn't be this nervous and should feel comfortable having this conversation after 10 yrs.

So my question is, were you guys nervous or apprehensive before you had the conversation with you significant other?

How did you break the ice, did you joke about it, or just jump right into it?
You're allowed to be nervous. I had the "Poly Talk" with my fiance this Spring and we'd been together for 13 years at that point and I was definitely nervous. I think it's crazy for someone to tell you that you shouldn't be nervous simply because you've been together for so long. IMO, you probably have a lot more to risk than someone newly into a relationship. There is the relationship and if things go badly, the material things, too.

We had been exposed to the poly theory at a discussion group we attend several months prior to me broaching the subject, so I used that to lead into the conversation.

It fell like a lead balloon and he said that if that's how I felt, then we should reconsider getting married. I back pedaled quickly. A couple of weeks later he approached me about it and we went from there. He needed that time to think and consider things.
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Old 07-16-2012, 07:16 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Sure, it's "normal" to be nervous about any meaningful conversation in which something is at stake. You should read this thread, started by MorningTwilight: The Initial Conversation.
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Old 07-16-2012, 07:33 PM
dkj4 dkj4 is offline
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I have been with my bf for 10 yrs and 4 years ago i told him i have always been attracted to females. he just thought it was cute but would never look past that. well i started bringing up three sums to him becsaue i didnt know anyother word for it at the time. after 1 yrs he agreed and i already knew who i wanted and she wanted the both of us. and she moved in and we have been together every waking day for 3 yrs. our relationship is stronger on ever level. work,emotions,house cleaning,raising kids,vacations, but there was a huge down side to our life and that was all three of us lost family and friends over our decision. so yes be nervous and play with it a little
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Old 07-16-2012, 10:01 PM
RunningMan RunningMan is offline
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Just curious....Is it like totally chicken shit if I use a short letter to break the ice??
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Old 07-16-2012, 10:14 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RunningMan View Post
Just curious....Is it like totally chicken shit if I use a short letter to break the ice??
Do you communicate better in that medium? My fiance and I initially started covering hard subjects via emails. It was a safer way to get our thoughts out there than speaking face to face. We've progressed to face to face, but initially written communication was our friend and sometimes we still fall back on it.

I'd be sure to include something along the lines that you want to discuss everything once he has time to process things and reiterate your love for him.
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Old 07-17-2012, 02:55 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Default Nervous

Nervousness just means that the outcome is both important and uncertain. It is not a statement about you necessarily, but that you are perhaps over thinking it and letting it build up as a disaster in your head. You don't know how it is going to turn out, so any crash type scenarios you've got playing in your head (I'm assuming that is what you are doing - that's what I do) are fictional until proven otherwise.

Letters, love songs, Scrabble, smoke signals, communicate however you think will be best for you to convey your feelings to her in a way that she can consume. Honesty is going to be best, focus on yourself and not her, don't be afraid to express your fears and desires.

Good luck
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Old 07-17-2012, 09:34 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RunningMan View Post
Just curious....Is it like totally chicken shit if I use a short letter to break the ice??
I'd at least preface it with "hey there's a subject I'm nervous about bringing up, I'm going to write it down in a letter for you so I make sure I'm being clear about what I'm saying" "I want you to take as much or as little time as you need to think about what you want to say back."

I don't know...is there any reason to think they ARE open to poly? Any reason to think they are NOT? If it's out of the blue, well, you might want to do a different approach.
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