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  #31  
Old 07-12-2012, 12:39 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is online now
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Just for reference:

In 3 years of living poly with husband and boyfriend in household-
We've only managed in the last 5 months to go longer than a month without a freaking dramatic HUGE fallout.
It's taken THAT LONG to settle into some sort of reasonable emotional stability and routine!

Furthermore, with EACH new addition to a dynamic there WILL be change, stress and headaches (consider what happens with the birth of children, weddings, deaths, job changes etc). It's part of the reality of life. Each individual is unique and bring their own changes to the dynamic, so getting used to ONE person or ONE type of situation doesn't mean that there won't be more struggles or issues to face later.
It also doesn't mean all is lost and there's no point in trying.
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  #32  
Old 07-12-2012, 05:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
Well, this is hardly a one-off experience. This is the latest in a long series of me not being able to handle poly experiences.
Were these actually "poly experiences" you couldn't handle, or just sexual experiences? Poly is wa-a-a-a-aaaaay more than just sex, and doesn't have to include threesomes or group sex at all. AT ALL. Lots of poly people never even do any of that. So, if he is just translating being poly into doing kinky stuff that you're not comfy with, don't let him terrorize you with that bullshit. Poly is about cultivating multiple loving relationships. How experienced in poly is he? You may want to invite him to read here and add his perspective.
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  #33  
Old 07-12-2012, 02:50 PM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Were these actually "poly experiences" you couldn't handle, or just sexual experiences? Poly is wa-a-a-a-aaaaay more than just sex, and doesn't have to include threesomes or group sex at all. AT ALL. Lots of poly people never even do any of that. So, if he is just translating being poly into doing kinky stuff that you're not comfy with, don't let him terrorize you with that bullshit. Poly is about cultivating multiple loving relationships. How experienced in poly is he? You may want to invite him to read here and add his perspective.
He has had many years of experience being poly..we had had good sexual experiences including other people in the past so I wanted to try dating someone together to kind of ease into it. I understand a lot of the poly community rejects this idea and it basically makes us unicorn hunters and every other bad stereotype. Even after this bad experience I still think it is the best choice for us. I feel so conflicted and awful because the first part of it was really, really enjoyable, maybe even the best sexual experience of my life, but I got overwhelmed and didn't communicate well and it spiraled out of control. I would love to try again, I really think I could handle myself better, there were just a lot of elements I wasn't expecting and I didn't do a good job managing myself.
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  #34  
Old 07-14-2012, 01:09 AM
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Ok...after more than a year of being a MFM triad, we're slowly easing into shared, threeway sexual activity and managing the four relationships it affects.

Am I airtight on a regular basis? Hell no and all of this has come with trust, love and the recognition that there will still be times when we will effectively "pair off" into our duo relationships with each other. We've also recognized that we can handle taking turns being either at the focus of attention or maybe on the sidelines during this shared activity.

If you're hellbent on getting over your threeway phobia, here are some things that worked for me during our limited interactions:

Don't set a place, date, time and second for your blessed first non-psychotic threeway to occur. Let it happen organically. We shared a bed even before we got romantic, so that wasn't a huge deal. After becoming a triad, we occasionally shared snuggle nights in bed. Gradually, over months, more and more clothes came off. Then, one night, with a little bit of discussion as we were laying around naked, we decided that it would be rude for one of the guys to get a handjob without the other. And before festivities even started, there was some quick, independent consultation to make sure everyone was OK with the situation.

Pay attention. Bodies are funny things, sometimes they react before the brain can process things. If someone's libido is flatlining, stop for a second, try to isolate whatever activity is frightening/disgusting/enraging one of your partners and then reconfigure. I'd set your expectations low for the first few encounters and work up to the big bang, if you will.

Debrief after you've debriefed. Talk with each partner independently about how things went and whether they enjoyed themselves/were comfortable/were homicidal - you get the idea. Make sure to listen to what works and doesn't for your partners. A post-game talk shouldn't have to turn into a marathon episode of "The View," but you should be able to gain some valuable insight into your relationship.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
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  #35  
Old 07-15-2012, 10:05 AM
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Pretzels, thanks for your advice. I will definitely take it.

I've spent more time "debriefing" with both miss pixi and Ginger about our latest encounter. It's been so hard sorting out motivations and how each of us experienced it.

On Thursday I found out from Ginger, all he really wanted last week was to kiss/makeout with miss pixi. Of course, I couldn't read his mind and didn't get any verbal communication, so I had no idea when I came over and (tried to) join in. Neither of them minded me joining in, they assure me. But that kind of explains the lack of attention I felt I got.

miss pixi and I are leaving on vacation next Wed for 10 days so neither of us will see Ginger for a while. I think I am not even going to try for any kind of 3way sex for a while... If they want to makeout or do more with each other when I am around, I will take my laptop/book and go to a different room until they are done. Or if they want to go out on a date or whatever to get to know each other better, I am fine with that. I am happy my lovers have crushes on each other. I have a lot of compersion, even excitement, for their growing emotional bond, and intellectual/spiritual match.

Otherwise, I think it's time to slow things down. Any time we all spend together, for a while, I think, should be more of the going out on a date, hanging out, talking, eating, watching a movie and cuddling sort of thing. We all need to work on our dyads more before getting "kinky" again with 3way sex.
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  #36  
Old 07-17-2012, 01:37 AM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
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Magdlyn, keep talking. Don't drive it into the ground, but feel out what the two of them might be up for when it is the three of you. Don't give up trying to build a relationship between all of you once your other ones are strong enough.
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