Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-16-2012, 08:38 PM
mimi1002 mimi1002 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7
Default "Specialness" in poly relationships?

I am dealing with an emotion that I can't put a finger on. I'm in a FMF Vee. My SO's GF would like it to be a triad but I am not there yet. I don't know if I will be there. We have talked a lot about this and are working on having a more integrated life. Here is my issue. A lot of the time when I talk about something that SO has done for me or to me, his GF points out to me that "yeah, he did that for or to me, years ago". For some reason this is rubbing me the wrong way. I don't care that they did this or that but I really don't want it pointed out all the time. I don't know if this is jealousy or what. It just feels like nothing in our relationship is novel or "just ours". Like there is no "specialness" to our relationship. I'm not sure if this is my issue or her's. I mean, perhaps she feels the same way. That the "specialness" of their relationship is gone because he is now doing all these things with me. I would like to talk to her about it but any input would be appreciated.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-16-2012, 11:47 PM
Thinspirit Thinspirit is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3
Default

Okay so I'm pretty new to being openly poly however I do think I've got a great deal of experience with relationships in general and having a poly mindset so I'll give responding to your post a try.

Firstly there's no reason you should feel obligated to enter into a relationship with your SO's other partner simply because you both have a relationship with him. For you to have a functioning relationship with her, you would have to be interested in her as you are your SO. As you both have him in common it's likely you'll have shared interests and such but it doesn't automatically mean you two will be interested in each other anymore than civil aquaintences. You have to determine for yourself if you have attraction to her and not be pressured by the situation to enter into that.

Determining whether you and the other girl need a degree of specialness from your male partner is something that you each need to determine on your own. Some relationships could function where much is shared between all partners but as individuals we all desire some degree of independent identity and things that are uniquely "ours". This varies from person to person and what you might desire would be different than someone else. It would be best to communicate these desires to all parties involved to make sure everyone's needs are met.

Her establishing that she's been given everything you've been given could be reflecting insecurities she has on her end in an effort to stake some sort of primary claim to the relationship. Having a frank discussion with her and the guy about how this makes you feel might be a good opening for her to open up dialogue about how she's feeling as well and you will be able to establish boundaries that work for everyone.

Hope this helps!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-16-2012, 11:54 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,170
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mimi1002 View Post
Quote:
A lot of the time when I talk about something that SO has done for me or to me, his GF points out to me that "yeah, he did that for or to me, years ago". For some reason this is rubbing me the wrong way.
Because, it's RUDE. TOtally rude! I am in an MFM V-and I'm the F. I would NEVER EVER EVER do that to either of my men, becuase IT IS RUDE. She is likely doing it as a way to make herself feel as though she's still special. But, that doens't in anyway change the fact that her actions are unkind and rude and they should desist. Your moments together are yours and should be left at that.
Frankly, I'd stop sharing some of the info, pointedly and if asked why, I'd explain that it leaves you feeling unloved and unappreciated when those remarks are made.
Quote:
I don't care that they did this or that but I really don't want it pointed out all the time. I don't know if this is jealousy or what. It just feels like nothing in our relationship is novel or "just ours". Like there is no "specialness" to our relationship. I'm not sure if this is my issue or her's. I mean, perhaps she feels the same way. That the "specialness" of their relationship is gone because he is now doing all these things with me. I would like to talk to her about it but any input would be appreciated.
I think that she likely IS feeling precisely this way-and that's why she's doing it. Which doesn't make it right or beneficial-and I do suggest you two talk about it-on calm quiet relaxed ground.

Good luck.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-17-2012, 01:48 AM
LostInCanada LostInCanada is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 15
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thinspirit View Post
Her establishing that she's been given everything you've been given could be reflecting insecurities she has on her end in an effort to stake some sort of primary claim to the relationship.
This was exactly what I was thinking. Now I don't have any experience really with a poly relationship, as I'm still working that all out for myself at the moment. But I know that people do this all the time in all types of relationships when they feel threatened. My best friend does it when I tell her about something sweet my boyfriend has done for me. It's called "one upping" someone. Where the other person tries to make themselves seem more important or downplay your special moment, so they don't feel inferior to you. It's her problem, not yours though. If I were you, I'd talk to your boyfriend about it and then if it doesn't get resolved, sit down and talk about it as a group.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-17-2012, 02:30 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,288
Default Communication - Not Combat

I certainly would recommend looking at this as a growing experience - not as a call to arms. I don't know you or your partners so I am going to presume that all three of you mean no harm to one another. Any harm she may have caused against you (real or perceived) is almost certainly unintentional.

I find that when I take an approach of humility, making it known that I am having some emotions flare up, that I ruffle fewer feathers and real communication can begin. When I get those jealous/envious type feelings it is certainly my responsibility. In my relationship(s), ownership of any kind is not the goal, so why would I be having territorial type emotions if I am not (on some level) trying to control/own my partner? In that, I express that "when you said this, I had a jealousy type emotion come up. I'm not sure exactly why or if it is reasonable. Most likely it is something about my worldview I need to look at"

Just talk to her, tell her how you are feeling. If you are honest and open yourself up I would wager you will be surprised by how helpful her response will be.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-17-2012, 08:56 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 820
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mimi1002 View Post
A lot of the time when I talk about something that SO has done for me or to me, his GF points out to me that "yeah, he did that for or to me, years ago". For some reason this is rubbing me the wrong way. I don't care that they did this or that but I really don't want it pointed out all the time.
I agree that she might be trying to one-up you, or assert being primary but on the other hand...YOU are the one bringing up what your SO had done for or to you, what is your motivation? Perhaps you should keep that stuff to yourself, maybe she is misreading you and thinking you are trying to rub things in her face? If you're not, maybe you shouldn't take it as a negative when shes responding, maybe she is just sharing information and including you in their long term friendship and history (one of the things new members of a triad often talk about is how they feel like they are left out of the original couple's long history).

If he was a friend and not a lover, would you feel she was staking a claim, or including you? There's really not more of a reason to ascribe a negative motive to her than it is to you unless she's changing her tone or being snarky about other things. Occasionally when I'm speaking with my ex-husband and his girlfriend, if she mentions something they've done and he and I had a similar experience I may say so. My intent tends to be "WOW wtf we did that too what...15 years ago? How time flies. My goal is to bond with her, not to put a claim on him.

I like what Marcus says, and if there is any chance you do want to be in a triad, you should be able to talk about this with her about it.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-17-2012, 05:36 PM
mimi1002 mimi1002 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I agree that she might be trying to one-up you, or assert being primary but on the other hand...YOU are the one bringing up what your SO had done for or to you, what is your motivation? Perhaps you should keep that stuff to yourself, maybe she is misreading you and thinking you are trying to rub things in her face? If you're not, maybe you shouldn't take it as a negative when shes responding, maybe she is just sharing information and including you in their long term friendship and history (one of the things new members of a triad often talk about is how they feel like they are left out of the original couple's long history).
She requested I tell her everything. From where we go to dinner to how we have sex. She says it makes her feel better knowing everything. So I complied. But then she seems to get huffy. I have no intention of rubbing anything in her face. At this point I think we have a lot of "oversharing" going on in an attempt to include everyone. It's time to sit down and discuss how much privacy each of us needs. Just because we share an SO does not mean that we need to share everything. At least I don't.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 07-17-2012, 05:50 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mimi1002 View Post
She requested I tell her everything. From where we go to dinner to how we have sex. She says it makes her feel better knowing everything. So I complied. But then she seems to get huffy. I have no intention of rubbing anything in her face. At this point I think we have a lot of "oversharing" going on in an attempt to include everyone. It's time to sit down and discuss how much privacy each of us needs. Just because we share an SO does not mean that we need to share everything. At least I don't.
She requested, or demanded? A request is something you can refuse with no harm done.

If you have a relationship with him, then that relationship deserves its own privacy. Does she tell you everything that she and her partner do - how they have sex? If so, how do you feel about that?

and, to echo what others are saying - if you do not see a triad working, but a V being fine, then nobody should be coercing you into that.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 07-17-2012, 06:14 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,188
Default

Ugh, she sounds like a dictator and quite envious. I would start separating from her. You're in a Vee, she is not your lover and you don't owe her anything more than polite acknowledgement. Respect for each other should be sufficient. You don't need to tell her jack shit if you don't want to. Do not share what you do not want to share, and do not get involved more than you want to. Egad, the things that people demand! And put up with! Take a stand for your own personal boundaries, for goodness sakes, and ask her to honor the relationship you have with the person you are involved with. Jeez.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 07-17-2012, 07:46 PM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 820
Default

Oh for sure, I would say it's time to create some boundaries and privacy for yourself, but it sounds like you will want to specifically tell her this is what you're doing, or she may get upset if you just stop telling her things and she "finds out" you had sex and didn't mention in, etc. It sounds like you're comfortable sitting down and doing that though, so that's great.

Probably not going to be a fun conversation. I wont assume either way that you mind or don't mind sharing everything with her (though I will hope it wasn't also a request from your bf also - ie "if you date me you have to share 100% details with my other partner") By the time you feel involved enough with somebody to call them your SO instead of your BF, it would be nice if she was used to your presence and expected that you WERE having sex, and that there's no reason to mention where you went to dinner unless it's a cool new place you think she'd like or you got food poisoning. Phew sometimes I wonder if people who request this sort of information expect to still be told each time sex happens 5-10 years down the road.

Then again, maybe she is very ready to stop sharing so much, but either forgot she asked you to share everything, or doesn't have the tools to figure out how to ask you to stop without appearing rude (I'm an eternal optimist, what can I say)
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:43 AM.