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  #11  
Old 07-16-2012, 04:12 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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In terms of how to start the conversation, I found the resources at www.morethantwo.com to be immensely helpful in sharing the concept that loving more than one person doesn't make any love less. I agree with the other posters who have said that you owe him honesty, which seems to be what you yourself also feel. Give him the chance to understand that this doesn't change anything, that you still love him and are committed to him exactly as much, but that you don't want to lie to him or have to pretend that your extramarital liaisons mean nothing to you.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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  #12  
Old 07-16-2012, 04:17 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Another link is http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm

Just tell him that.

1) You have developed feelings for the friend and wanted to be honest about that unexpected outcome so he's in the loop.

2) You don't want to change anything - husband is still your husband and you aren't going anywhere. You love him, nobody else is your husband. He's him and you love HIM for him.

GG
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  #13  
Old 07-16-2012, 04:29 PM
aj22 aj22 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
You realize this is the essence of lying and dishonesty: being careful with [whatever] so that they trust you...when that trust is not deserved. It is fooling people into thinking they ought to trust you when they really shouldn't. Is this who you want to be? Is this what your husband or anyone else deserves?
My situation here is almost more of a philosophical one. Is the truth really the best option if the person would be happier living in the dark. For people like me and likely most people on this board, the answer is a resounding no. But there are people out there who may be happier being in the dark about certain things. My husband often tends toward this mentality with situations that we discuss with our mutual friends. Statements like "I don't care that so and so cheats on their wife, but they should at least have the common consideration to hide it from her". Are very common place. I think this raises and interesting philosophical issue and one that my situation is directly affected by.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
This statement implies that really, a fault in him is 'causing' you to lie. It's really saying that if he were a different (subtext: better) person, he would be worthy of being shown the respect of being treated with honesty. Speaking from personal experience of a cheating, lying husband, this is a double slap in the face: first I was lied to and deceived and then I was told that he lied because there was something wrong with me.

Your husband can have different views on relationships and what he wants out of one. This doesn't make him close-minded or unable to grasp anything. It makes him someone with different views than you.
I wasn't implying this at all, and I'm sorry that it came across so. We were just both raised very traditionally and he isn't as quick to grab and run with things that aren't common place. It takes him a lot of time to warm up to anything out of the ordinary. This is normal human behavior and I don't fault him for this. I'm simply trying to come up with what is best for him. If I tell him and get a knee jerk reaction would it be better to wait and try and introduce him in a slower fashion. It involves a continued lie but may make us both happier in the end. It could also backfire and make a separation far more complicated. But either way, I'm not blaming him. He's very normal, most people who are poly at this point in our society are so open mindeded that they are far from normal. That doesn't mean that when I say I am more open minded than him that I'm insulting him, I'm the weird one, not him, I do understand this.
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  #14  
Old 07-16-2012, 04:34 PM
aj22 aj22 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
So you're probably thinking that you don't want to cause him undue stress... if they are not a threat to your marriage and he keeps believing they're not a threat... why rock the boat?
Yes thats actually a perfect summary of my issue.

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Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
In a situation like that, I am not completely honest because I know that dilvuging every little thought in my head will lead to a silly situation that is not the reality. I don't think there's anything wrong with a little discretion for the greater good.

However, if I was starting to want a deeper relationship with this girl, I'd have to tell my girlfriend. It wouldn't be right for my girlfriend to be happily moseying along whilst I am harboring deeper, secret feelings. My girlfriend has worked hard to overcome insecurity and be secure about my friendship with this girl. What a fool I would make of her if she found out that her suspicions were right all along. Furthermore, if I didn't tell her, I'd be taking away some of her rights in our relationship. For example - what if her line is: "I don't want you to have a second primary girlfriend". If that's her line, I can't just keep crossing it secretly. She has a right to put her expectations out there and see if they are still compatible with my wants.
This makes a lot of sense to me actually. And makes me go back to the idea that in this case some discretion is probably worthwhile. Or at least holding off a bit until the topic resurfaces on its own where I can use the ideas of multiple relationships as a way of comforting his insecurities rather than bringing up new ones. I'm not exactly capable of deep intense romantic relationships, and that isn't what this is at all, its just more of an actual relationship than a FWB scenario, but the line is a bit of a technicality. There's still a lot of working out in my head to be done about it all.
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  #15  
Old 07-16-2012, 04:35 PM
aj22 aj22 is offline
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Thank you for the links, I will certainly go through those at length as I try and figure out how to bring this up in the least destructive way possible.
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