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Old 07-16-2012, 01:29 PM
aj22 aj22 is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 7
Default How to tell husband I'm a bit more poly than anticipated?

Hi all,

This is my first time posting and I'm looking for a little advice on what to do about a poly situation I've accidentally found myself in.

My husband an I have been together 9 years, married 7 and are 26. A year or so ago we started discussing the idea of sleeping with other people. Together, in a more "swinging" sort of situation at first. My husband has a bit of a sexual jealousy fetish so we started with threesomes with another male. But we found that we liked it just as much me going off on my own and telling him about it later. And decided to have an sexually open relationship. We (or rather I, he hasn't slept with anyone else) did this for a few months, enjoyed it, and then life got busy. I also found that casual sex with basically what amounted to strangers didn't have as much appeal to me as I thought it would.

Fast forward a bit and my husband agreed that I could sleep with my best friend, which he previously wasn't comfortable with. My friend is poly and ideally would be in a completely mutual triad (I'm not sure of the proper terminology here but a totally equal 3 way relationship) with his long time significant other and another female. I'm very close with him and spend lots of time with him, so having him be my sexual partner was ideal on many levels. My husband likes to hear about the sex, and is interested in the friendship in the way he would be in any of my friendships, as to say, not all that much. After months of this set up I have come to the realization that I somehow am accidentally dating this wonderful couple, mostly just him, but her on a sexual level. I sleep with them, both literally and figuratively and we've become very important parts of each others lives and I care very deeply for them. My husband often makes references to the idea that he isn't the type who could be with someone who loves two people. I'm not a romantic person, I don't think that "love" between romantic partners is any different than that between close friends, so this designation doesn't make a lot of difference to me. I don't know if I should confront him on the topic and tell him that yes I do feel a similar way toward my friend, and to some extent his long time girlfriend as I do for my husband. I don't want anything to change, yet at the same time we are in the process of some life changes and transitions and I feel like he either needs to accept this or not before those are made. I don't think I can go back to the idea of a purely emotionally monogamous relationship, even if that involves pure sex acts with other people. I think given time he'll come to just see the stability of the situation, accept it, and be fine with it, yet whenever the topic gets brought up I tend to shy away from admitting to anything other than friendship with a sexual component. Which honestly to me is exactly what any "romantic" relationship really is. I just don't get this idea of a separation, yet I realize that what I am with my friend qualifies under the dating/relationship heading regardless.

I suppose what I'm looking for here is general thoughts and comments on the situation, and whether a discussion on the topic is actually of any value, or if I should just continue living life as is and appeasing my husband by telling him that no, my relationship with my friend is not a dating style relationship and he is the only significant other in my life, regardless of the fact that I am in a very polyamorous relationship with them (and to be more specific, based on my understanding of your glossary terms it would be a V where my guy friend is the hinge). I should add that I have no interest in leaving my husband or making any real changes in my life at all. The couple are basically happy with the set up (I'm sure they'd be happier if I wasn't with him, but they accept as a part of me) and I don't see any reason to change what I find to be a stable set-up. My friend and husband are very different and fulfill different places in my life and I'm happy with that.
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