What if s/he is cooler than me? Will you still love me?

[Petunia]

Originally Posted by Arrowbound

LOVE this. You sound awesome! lol.

Aw, shucks, thanks, Arrowbound!

/blush

[Petunia]

I wish I had more time to respond to everyone, because you have all given me such great advice, but at the moment I have to scoot. I will be back, though, and answer in a more thoughtful way to the things you have written. Thank you!

[AnnabelMore]

Oh my goodness, LR, your post was so beautiful!! Just wow.

[Arrowbound]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

Oh my goodness, LR, your post was so beautiful!! Just wow.

Agreed! I was in awe reading away.

[nycindie]

A few comments from me:

The only way to make sure your already-established relationship isn't all about the mundane household chores and bill-paying is to schedule sexy/romantic dates with each other where you get to seduce each other, connect intimately, and leave the day-to-day concerns behind. Once a week is a good way to keep the flames burning, and no cancelling allowed, unless for emergencies. Otherwise, it won't happen. It takes effort to maintain the hotness of a relationship.

About picking another "cooler" person over each other - oy. Love has no reasons. We love someone because we love them, not because they are cool or not. Yes, there are always specific things that draw us to someone and influence how or when we fall in love with them, but in reality love is like gravity - an attraction between two objects simply because they are there. We stay in that person's sphere because we are pulled there by their existence. Once you get there, love truly is unconditional.

And polyamory is about expanding love, not limiting it. It's not about auditioning people to best fit one role, we recognize the beauty in multiple people, each with their own unique qualities. Your fiance sounds like he needs to build his self-esteem. No one wins when we compare ourselves to others. What he may not realize is that those really cool people he thinks he can't compete with might do things that annoy the shit out of you, like clip their toenails in bed or something.

Finally, poly is like a smorgasbord. We don't go to an all-you-can-eat buffet, and put just one item on our plates. We want it all. So he has to stop thinking monogamously, like there will be one person that will shine more than him and make you set him aside. If those thoughts come up, he needs to consciously look at them, and not pay them credence.

[Petunia]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

To answer the question you asked (all of the above was great info I agree with);

I love two men. They are each "cooler" than the other in one way or another. Which is precisely why I love them.
.
.
.
So, in my experience, no what your fiance is worried about isn't a real risk in a poly dynamic. However, in a mono dynamic-it would be a huge risk. Because at that point, I'd have to decide which one had the things I needed MOST-then choose one over the other.
In fact, that was precisely the problem that ended up leading to me having an affair and subsequently realizing that mono just won't work for me. Because, I couldn't choose.

But, when pushed to the edge, most people do choose and then someone loses. Where as-in poly, there's no need to choose.

What you wrote about each of your men was so beautiful. Thanks for sharing that. I think my fiance needs to quit thinking mono and start thinking poly. I am going to push him to read Opening Up.

We had dinner Friday night with a friend who identifies as being consensually nonmonogamous with a primary bf that she lives with and multiple SO's. The conversation swung to open relationships and her experiences which was very helpful for us. My fiance got to hear how her different beaus fit in her life and how her relationship with her primary remains important and hasn't been displaced because he offers her things that she doesn't get from the others.

[Petunia]

Originally Posted by Tonberry

You're still with him after 13 years. Obviously you think he's cool enough. If you didn't leave him for someone cooler when you could only get him or someone else, why would you leave him for someone cooler now that you could have both? That would end up in a loss, the loss of him, and no gain, since you can already be with the other guy anyway. That would be counter-productive.

Of course, that kind of thinking probably doesn't help his insecurities. But the bottom line is, it's toxic thinking to think in term of "who is better". People are different, and you like different things about different people. They're unique, and special, and you don't want to replace him with someone else. You have 13 years of positive history, and he needs to dig into that to trust you. It seems that he thinks you only stays with him because you didn't realise other people were better, and the second you're made aware of it you'll go. This is BS.
You stayed with him because you love him and you want to be with him, and he's the best at being him. And all of these things are going to remain true even if you're with somebody else. That somebody else might be "better" in a bunch of things, but he'll never be "better" at being the man you've been with for 13 years, the man who's helped raise your kids.

Yes, this!

[Petunia]

Originally Posted by nycindie

A few comments from me:

The only way to make sure your already-established relationship isn't all about the mundane household chores and bill-paying is to schedule sexy/romantic dates with each other where you get to seduce each other, connect intimately, and leave the day-to-day concerns behind. Once a week is a good way to keep the flames burning, and no cancelling allowed, unless for emergencies. Otherwise, it won't happen. It takes effort to maintain the hotness of a relationship.

About picking another "cooler" person over each other - oy. Love has no reasons. We love someone because we love them, not because they are cool or not. Yes, there are always specific things that draw us to someone and influence how or when we fall in love with them, but in reality love is like gravity - an attraction between two objects simply because they are there. We stay in that person's sphere because we are pulled there by their existence. Once you get there, love truly is unconditional.

And polyamory is about expanding love, not limiting it. It's not about auditioning people to best fit one role, we recognize the beauty in multiple people, each with their own unique qualities. Your fiance sounds like he needs to build his self-esteem. No one wins when we compare ourselves to others. What he may not realize is that those really cool people he thinks he can't compete with might do things that annoy the shit out of you, like clip their toenails in bed or something.

Finally, poly is like a smorgasbord. We don't go to an all-you-can-eat buffet, and put just one item on our plates. We want it all. So he has to stop thinking monogamously, like there will be one person that will shine more than him and make you set him aside. If those thoughts come up, he needs to consciously look at them, and not pay them credence.

We dedicate a lot of our time to just the two of us. Since he came home on Thursday we have gone out to eat at a romantic Italian restaurant, to dinner at a friend's on Friday, a house warming on Saturday, and Sunday he golfed while I cleaned house, but later I declined finding something to go do in favor of spending the evening home together, so we're packing in plenty of "us" time that isn't mundane. And there were multiple sexy times in the past four days as well.

Because he is out of town so much of the week, one of our rules at this time (that I offered up) is that I will not schedule anything with someone else when the two of us can be together. If he has something going with someone else, then I'm free to do the same. He has said that once we have established relationships that he'll probably back off on that, but I'm good with that. We have to nuture the foundation or things will crumble. Baby steps.

[GalaGirl]

His concern is that by opening up our relationship we are increasing our chances of finding someone that we like more/love more/want more than each other and that we may end up destroying our relationship in the long run.

Basically, he's worried that anyone I become involved with is going to be cooler than him.

He admits he feels very competitive and is trying to deal with that and his jealousy.

Alright. So you ask him something like...

"honey, how can I best support and nurture you then on your personal growth goal to deal with your competitive nature and jealousy? What's the fear problem speaking to? Because we're planning out wedding and I've been here for 13 yrs and don't plan on going anywhere. We already opened up. We had 12 years of ho hum and this last year has been wow because we've created deeper connection to each other. How is that destroying us?"

I'm just not seeing the problem here other than his making anxiety mountains out of molehills. What's the fear-anxiety speaking to?

GL!
GG

[LovingRadiance]

Thanks everyone...