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Old 07-13-2012, 02:03 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Default What if s/he is cooler than me? Will you still love me?

Hello,

My fiance and I are new to polyamory. He's struggling with the concept more than I am. His concern is that by opening up our relationship we are increasing our chances of finding someone that we like more/love more/want more than each other and that we may end up destroying our relationship in the long run. That the people we will be dating will appear in a more favorable light because our interaction with them won't involve all the day-to-day mundane things that a longterm relationship with someone you share a home with and have co-mingled finances, and all that entails, has to deal with.

A little background info to help put things into context: we've been together 13.5 years, engaged for 1 year, wedding planned for 10-12-12. He's helped raise my 3 kids (18, 24, 26.) We had 12 years of ho-hum preceeding one year of wow.

Basically, he's worried that anyone I become involved with is going to be cooler than him. It doesn't help that one of our poly friends is an engineer, a pilot, and a lawyer and just so happens to be my fiance's metamour in a V relationship he is in. Nor does it help that someone I am interested in is into community service - an interest of mine, but his work schedule makes community service nearly impossible for him. He admits he feels very competitive and is trying to deal with that and his jealousy.

I'm sure many of you have either faced this sort of situation, or have put some thought into this, and I'd appreciate your perspectives about how risky you've found it, and how you manage to keep your primary relationship going strong and not jump ship for the bright and shiny.

TIA
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  #2  
Old 07-13-2012, 02:35 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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The key concept here is that it's not a competition with a winner or loser. The idea is that with poly you don't HAVE to choose between partners, because you can have both.

So focus on YOUR relationship and make that the best that it can be, and don't worry about whether someone else is doing it differently, or better, or cooler - down that road lies madness.
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Old 07-13-2012, 02:39 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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If there's someone you click with and desire who seems "cooler" than your SO and you really really want to be with them but you're monogamous, the only way to ever be with them would be to leave, to "jump ship". You also might find yourself romanticizing someone you can't have, since you never have to experience their bad with their good. Whereas if you're poly, you get to fulfill your desire to have a relationship with this cool person, and get to see them in a realistic way, without leaving your SO. In that light, it seems to me like poly is a way to *preserve* existing relationships in the face of bright-and-shiny, not destroy them, yeah?

That said, determine what you need to maintain passion, connection, and mutual interest with your SO -- regular date nights, a new shared hobby, a commitment to trying a position a week from the kama sutra, couples counseling, whatever -- and do that without fail, whether or not you start seeing anyone new.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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Old 07-13-2012, 02:40 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Haha, trust me to take two long paragraphs to say what someone else manages to get across just as well in a couple of sentences.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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Old 07-13-2012, 02:40 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Most of your relationship has been "ho-hum?" But now that the kids are grown, a fire has been lit, your sex lives revved up, you're engaged and poly?

Your fiance has a gf and you are involved with his gf's bf? And he thinks that dude is cooler than him? Is his gf (who is also the "cool" guy's gf) cooler than YOU?

Why is your fiance's self esteem so low?
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Old 07-13-2012, 03:06 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
The key concept here is that it's not a competition with a winner or loser. The idea is that with poly you don't HAVE to choose between partners, because you can have both.

So focus on YOUR relationship and make that the best that it can be, and don't worry about whether someone else is doing it differently, or better, or cooler - down that road lies madness.
I love this. I've been trying to express this to him, but you phrased it better than me.
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Old 07-13-2012, 03:13 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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petunia, if he is interested in discussing it, and asking his own questions, please invite him to create an account here - we have lots of folks that are mono in a mono/poly relationship and they have lots of experience with the concepts and fears that you bring up.
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  #8  
Old 07-13-2012, 03:17 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
If there's someone you click with and desire who seems "cooler" than your SO and you really really want to be with them but you're monogamous, the only way to ever be with them would be to leave, to "jump ship". You also might find yourself romanticizing someone you can't have, since you never have to experience their bad with their good. Whereas if you're poly, you get to fulfill your desire to have a relationship with this cool person, and get to see them in a realistic way, without leaving your SO. In that light, it seems to me like poly is a way to *preserve* existing relationships in the face of bright-and-shiny, not destroy them, yeah?

That said, determine what you need to maintain passion, connection, and mutual interest with your SO -- regular date nights, a new shared hobby, a commitment to trying a position a week from the kama sutra, couples counseling, whatever -- and do that without fail, whether or not you start seeing anyone new.
I've been telling him this. That with any relationship you have no guarantees someone will stay with you - you can't control that, it's their choice whether you are in poly or monogamy.

He needs to relax into this and realize that after all of these years I know all of his shortcomings and I'm still here. Hmm, it might be that he has many amazing qualities that I appreciate and I simply love him. I wish he could see it kind of like, "I love steak! But wait, "I love seafood, too! Oh, lucky me, they're serving Surf 'n Turf!" Do I love one more than the other? No. Would I be happy if I had to choose to have one or the other until the end of time? No. And I'm aware you can prepare both many different ways, but in the end, I want more variety. LOL.

In the past year or so we've really added a lot of time for just the two of us and we've explored a lot of new together and I don't see that coming to an end any time soon.
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  #9  
Old 07-13-2012, 03:18 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
petunia, if he is interested in discussing it, and asking his own questions, please invite him to create an account here - we have lots of folks that are mono in a mono/poly relationship and they have lots of experience with the concepts and fears that you bring up.
I will do that.
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  #10  
Old 07-13-2012, 03:29 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Most of your relationship has been "ho-hum?" But now that the kids are grown, a fire has been lit, your sex lives revved up, you're engaged and poly?

Your fiance has a gf and you are involved with his gf's bf? And he thinks that dude is cooler than him? Is his gf (who is also the "cool" guy's gf) cooler than YOU?

Why is your fiance's self esteem so low?
Yes, we started working on our relationship about 18 months ago and we're in a whole new phase. It was like rediscovering one another. I think our relationship is better than it's ever been now.

My fiance has a gf, but the whole relationship is very new and things are uncertain yet, so he has a lot of insecurity about that.

I am not involved in his gf's bf. I am interested in another man. He thinks both men have elements that push the cool factor up.

Is his gf (who is also the "cool" guy's gf) cooler than YOU?
Please! LOL, just kidding. She's pretty cool. She's a doctor. She loves the arts. I'd date her. LOL. But she's also nice and interesting. She's a good person. She's nothing to sneeze at.

Am I intimidated? Maybe on some small level, but I rarely examine that, because hey, who would give up me doing their laundry?! Or me in bed? Or me making them laugh? Or me making them laugh in bed about their laundry? I can only be me. He can find that enough or not. I am going to do my damdest to be the best me I can be! Just sayin'.
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