Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 07-13-2012, 12:52 AM
Daffodil Daffodil is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: NW USA (Seattle area)
Posts: 22
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
However, don't expect him to DO anything about it. Why? Because you are the problem in the marriage. Not him. Not her. You.

Getting rid of this other woman won't solve anything. She's not the problem. I guarantee it that there will be other women who will feel just as threatening to you as she does today.
Why am I the problem? He is MY husband, not hers? Getting rid of her solves today's problem. Tomorrow is another day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
So is the first person that he has fallen in love with? Is that the issue here? The rest were all super-casual, and obviously transitory. This one, if he is truly in love with her, may not be. Maybe that is why you feel threatened by her..
No, he loved someone else before but for many reasons, I was never worried that he would leave me for her. Then she left him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovefromgirl View Post
Will he want you if you give him an ultimatum? My partner would kick me to the curb, and rightly so, because if my metamour's only sin is being loved by him, guess what? That's poly! And it's exactly what I signed on for!

She may not be married to him, but after eighteen months together, they're definitely in long-term commitment territory, which means you should've voiced your objections when it started.

Except, of course, that you couldn't be arsed to pay attention to him then. *smiles*
I haven't given him an ultimatum but he knows I would prefer that he didn't see her. He won't stop seeing her though. This is part of my issue. It's obvious that I want this to cease, and he will not comply. It's a "how dare he deny me for this woman? ".

I have tried to appear "accepting" but will admit to being a little difficult when it comes to her. I don't want to see her in OUR home, have made him feel bad sometimes about his timing of dates with her. He still goes, though.

18 months! It's nothing compared to the 12+ years that he and I have been together. She thinks it's a long time but she's clearly an idiot.

And yes, I admit, maybe I wasn't as "attentive" to him when this started, hence why it started, but that doesn't give her the right to step in and take away what was mine to start!

Bottom line, she is his mistress. I am his wife. The faster she learns to accept that, the better off she will be.


Oh, and *smiles*.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
How have you been married ? How you into the marriage did you decide to open it up ? ....and why ?

How many bf's have you had during your marriage .....and how long with rthe current one ?
Dingedheart, see above. 12+ years. About 7 years into our relationship, we had some issues and we decided to open our relationship. I won't go to specifics but things got extremely complicated. I was grateful for the other women, relieved me of some duties. I had a couple of encounters and a boyfriend of my own for a brief time.

Then , for him, it was purely sex. And who cares, he loved me, returned home to me nightly, but now he enjoys being with her too much. I have tried to be happy for him, enjoy that he is happy, but honestly, he would be happy with her, but I want him to stay with me. I fear being alone.
  #12  
Old 07-13-2012, 01:26 AM
lovefromgirl's Avatar
lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: The Great Soggy Northeast
Posts: 353
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
Why am I the problem? He is MY husband, not hers? Getting rid of her solves today's problem. Tomorrow is another day.
That's narcissistic at best. You want what YOU want with no consideration for the other two people in the equation. Getting rid of her (like an unwanted stray? The hell?) solves YOUR problem today. It does not solve YOUR HUSBAND'S apparent desire to love more than one woman. Can you honestly say, aside from loving this other woman, that he does not love you any longer?

What about her is such a threat, anyway?

Quote:
No, he loved someone else before but for many reasons, I was never worried that he would leave me for her. Then she left him.
One wonders why.

Quote:
I haven't given him an ultimatum but he knows I would prefer that he didn't see her. He won't stop seeing her though. This is part of my issue. It's obvious that I want this to cease, and he will not comply. It's a "how dare he deny me for this woman? ".
You're his wife, not the sodding KGB. Comply! He's got free will, and so have you, come to think of it, so if you hate it so much, there's the door.

I repeat: what exactly was your agreement with him?

Quote:
I have tried to appear "accepting" but will admit to being a little difficult when it comes to her. I don't want to see her in OUR home, have made him feel bad sometimes about his timing of dates with her. He still goes, though.
First, quit pretending it's okay with you that he's on dates with her. Maybe he really and truly doesn't get how strongly you feel, since you're putting on an "accepting" face. Consistency in word and deed: kind of awesome.

Quote:
18 months! It's nothing compared to the 12+ years that he and I have been together. She thinks it's a long time but she's clearly an idiot.
The only way she's been an idiot is coming anywhere near your toxic idea of what polyamory's supposed to be. Jesus, the hate rolling off you stinks worse than farts after refried beans.

Quote:
And yes, I admit, maybe I wasn't as "attentive" to him when this started, hence why it started, but that doesn't give her the right to step in and take away what was mine to start!
You never should have opened the marriage in the first place if that was your attitude. Should your husband feel the same way about you, if you happen to fall in love with another man?

Quote:
Bottom line, she is his mistress. I am his wife. The faster she learns to accept that, the better off she will be.
No. She's not his mistress. She is an acknowledged part of his life, one you agreed to let in. Now that you regret your decision, you have to accept that you made it in the first place and go forward from there. Otherwise, you're going to get exactly what you fear: you will be alone.

And next time you're feeling put-upon by your husband, hire him a goddamn hooker.
__________________
"I swear, if we live through this somebody's going to find their automatic shower preferences reprogrammed for ice water."

Refuge in Audacity { home of the post-raph stunner }
  #13  
Old 07-13-2012, 02:31 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,257
Default

It sounds like this was born out some marital issues....who's idea was this as the solution ? Was this the best idea ? What were the ideas that got rejected ?

Is Wifely duty code for sex? How much was expected....how much different was your desire for sex.?


Also it does have that swinger mentality ....recretional sex ...but feelings and commitments are out of bounds.

I agree with the hooker idea..... Was that ever discussed?
  #14  
Old 07-13-2012, 02:52 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
You should find a forum for Managing Open Relationships/Swinging. This forum is not the place for you.

Good luck.
I hate to say it, but I have to agree. You're not looking for ways to accept or deal with poly. Poly isn't what you wanted in the first place, you wanted Open, so I understand this isn't what you signed up for. But it's happened, so now what are you going to do about it? You can only control YOUR actions, not his. I wouldn't issue the ultimatum unless you're absolutely ready to have him pick her and would truly prefer that result to staying and trying to find a solution that works for all parties.

Basically, your choice is: do you stay and do a LOT of work, both on yourself and your marriage? Or do you leave? Because you can't "make" him do anything, and even if he agrees to stop seeing her you'll be left with a broken relationship and a LOT of anger and resentment, probably on both sides but at the very least from him, to you.
__________________
~~~~~~~~~
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
  #15  
Old 07-13-2012, 03:09 AM
newtoday's Avatar
newtoday newtoday is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 173
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
I hate to say it, but I have to agree..
You hate what? To agree with me? . Kidding
  #16  
Old 07-13-2012, 03:20 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
You hate what? To agree with me? . Kidding
*ttthhhbbbttt* Hate to tell someone this isn't a fitting place for them to come to for help, thankyouverymuch!
__________________
~~~~~~~~~
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
  #17  
Old 07-13-2012, 03:28 AM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
Why am I the problem? He is MY husband, not hers?
You don't own him, nor does he own you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
Getting rid of her solves today's problem. Tomorrow is another day.
But it doesn't fix a damned thing, and your attempts to get rid of her will probably make your husband even more resentful of you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
I haven't given him an ultimatum but he knows I would prefer that he didn't see her. He won't stop seeing her though.
Based on what you have written so far in this thread, you have given him no reason to, other than your exercise of what you perceive to be your wifely powers. That is obviously not working. If he is truly poly, then he is going to resent you for even making what seems to him to be an utterly arbitrary demand. If he is not poly (and you most definitely aren't by the terms you use in your posts), then you are really asking in the wrong forum.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
This is part of my issue. It's obvious that I want this to cease, and he will not comply. It's a "how dare he deny me for this woman? ".
Which, to a poly person, translates as "how dare he not completely switch off all his feelings for this other person because I want him to".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
I have tried to appear "accepting" but will admit to being a little difficult when it comes to her.
The key to poly is truly accepting our partner's right to love another, not to pretend to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
18 months! It's nothing compared to the 12+ years that he and I have been together. She thinks it's a long time but she's clearly an idiot.
Interesting that you measure the value of a relationship by the length of time it has endured. He may not feel the same way, especially if his wife is now making arbitrary demands of him with no justification.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
And yes, I admit, maybe I wasn't as "attentive" to him when this started, hence why it started, but that doesn't give her the right to step in and take away what was mine to start!
More mono language. This ownership thing pervades most of your statements. You do NOT own this human being, and you have no right to dictate what he does and doesn't feel.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
Bottom line, she is his mistress. I am his wife. The faster she learns to accept that, the better off she will be.
"Sir, if you were my husband I would put poison in your tea!"
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would probably drink it."

I suggest you either do some research on poly, or take this discussion to another forum where they will be more able to relate to your paradigms.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
  #18  
Old 07-13-2012, 03:36 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,252
Default

I think Daffy is a troll. Time to ignore this pathetic thread.

Last edited by opalescent; 07-13-2012 at 03:37 AM. Reason: More to say!
  #19  
Old 07-13-2012, 04:39 PM
freyamarie freyamarie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Southwest Missouri
Posts: 36
Default

Opalescent....You voiced what I was thinking exactly. This has classic troll written all over it. No way would someone who actually wanted to learn anything come here and maintain such a stance with no attempt to learn anything.
  #20  
Old 07-14-2012, 11:41 PM
Daffodil Daffodil is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: NW USA (Seattle area)
Posts: 22
Default

I do want to learn.

I have read on here many times, instances where either the man or the woman essentially wanted their spouse back to themselves. I hoped that I would gather support for that. I envy this other woman and I am jealous of the effect that she has on my husband. Often I think that I should just let him go and be with her, she makes him happy, but then I think, no way, he was mine to start, he will be mine to stay.

You all act as if you have never asked your partner to stop seeing someone.

Thank you for your "input".

I am not a troll. But many of you are quite hypocritical. So long.

Last edited by Daffodil; 07-14-2012 at 11:44 PM.
Closed Thread

Tags
jealousy, mono programming, need for therapy, ownership, pathetic, possessiveness

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:14 PM.