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Old 07-12-2012, 11:59 AM
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jones jones is offline
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Default fed up part two:meeting tonight to talk

me, oh, bf and gf are meeting tonight to talk, bf isn't happy about oh and gf dating and we are planning on talking tonight, I have written a list of problems, which I will include in this message:

My problems

1.the lies to keep you and gaz together and will lie to keep your relationship happy
2.you shouldn't have slept with my bf if you knew you were going to fall in love and you should have stepped back to get rind of your feelings.(we meet though a swinging site and me and bf can't handle their relationship and we wasn't asked what we wanted to do)
3.you overstep the mark: examples:
telling me that you wouldn't mind getting pregnant with oh's child and bf would happily bring up that baby as long as he got to be a father, (not true) you didn't think to ask me about how I felt about it? Or oh or have you already spoke about this and planned it?
oh thinks you are this prefect vision and can't do anything wrong and because he loves you and won't give you up, we are close to breaking up
when my children ask me something and say mummy, why do you answer, my son (who has autism) is already confused about this situation and you are just making it worst.
4.Your relationship with oh is selfish, you knew how upset I was yesterday but you fucked oh anyway and showed him my messages, wouldn't text me in the daytime but you could text oh and you tell oh you are upset, well of course you are, I am in the way so I am not going to be anymore, it is clear oh doesn't want to lose you and I can't stand being second best, I tried to do a middle ground, oh and gf take a break from sex, loving message etc but oh doesn't want to do this so we are breaking up so you have him all to yourself now and not me!
5.you say you can't meet without having sex with oh so you can get it out the way but you text him asking for sex, but you won't sleep with me everytime because I respect you but you enjoy oh pushing your boundaries
do I need to add anything or keep anything out. please help

Last edited by jones; 07-12-2012 at 12:03 PM.
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Old 07-12-2012, 01:20 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm tuning in late. But I feel your pain -- I am so sorry you are hurting.

This basically sounds like a break up conversation and you have zero interest in working anything out.

If so, just don't bother to list the grievances. Air them out where you need to air them out for your own healing with safe people.

But don't let this unsafe person know they got to you that deeply. Simply state that you don't want to be in relationship with them any more because they keep crossing boundaries.

Giving an unsafe person more insight into your pain? Why? So they can continue to make you feel unsafe emotionally and hurt you some more?

I prefer breakups happen with more grace and closure, but that requires the other party have some decorum. I'm not getting the vibe this party is that type. It's best then with a quick, clean break. At least on your end! so you can move it forward to a better healing place for you. THEY can hang on to the weird yucko feelings. Ugh.

Again I'm sorry this is coming down like this and that you are hurting.

GL!
GG
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Old 07-12-2012, 02:36 PM
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jones jones is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I'm tuning in late. But I feel your pain -- I am so sorry you are hurting.

This basically sounds like a break up conversation and you have zero interest in working anything out.

If so, just don't bother to list the grievances. Air them out where you need to air them out for your own healing with safe people.

But don't let this unsafe person know they got to you that deeply. Simply state that you don't want to be in relationship with them any more because they keep crossing boundaries.

Giving an unsafe person more insight into your pain? Why? So they can continue to make you feel unsafe emotionally and hurt you some more?

I prefer breakups happen with more grace and closure, but that requires the other party have some decorum. I'm not getting the vibe this party is that type. It's best then with a quick, clean break. At least on your end! so you can move it forward to a better healing place for you. THEY can hang on to the weird yucko feelings. Ugh.

Again I'm sorry this is coming down like this and that you are hurting.

GL!
GG
hi GG,

Quote:
This basically sounds like a break up conversation and you have zero interest in working anything out.
I am trying to put across how I feel and how I feel that they have done so much and they aren't even sorry, I do love gf and she loves me but then she does these things and it hurts and makes me wonder if it is true love? I know I want a break from gf as I am mad at her and I don't want to lose my oh but he is being selfish and in his own little world with gf.

I was trying to think of ways to make us happy, for example: we meet alone twice a month for each swap: ie me and bf/oh and gf and then the next day or later in the same week me and gf and oh and bf and the other weeks we meet together but as we are swingers as well, we will only have sex if the other two are having sex ( me and bf don't have sex a lot and this is a real problem for me and bf)

Quote:
But don't let this unsafe person know they got to you that deeply. Simply state that you don't want to be in relationship with them any more because they keep crossing boundaries.
I will do this but I will be leaving in about my children, they don't need a second mum and it is not right!

Quote:
Giving an unsafe person more insight into your pain? Why? So they can continue to make you feel unsafe emotionally and hurt you some more?
good questions. I feel she needs to know why she has upset me so as she has little idea but I will think about it some more and I won't let her hurt me as I am taking a break and my oh WILL be taking a break, he may resent me but we have been together for nine years and we are more important.

thank you so much for replying gg xoxo
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Old 07-12-2012, 03:30 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Sorry about my post on the other thread - I obviously completely misunderstood the configuration here....
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Old 07-12-2012, 07:20 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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So... I've read both threads and have a lot of thoughts.

But first,

what do you mean when you say love?

Because you say these people (two of htem) love you. But, nothing about what you've written signals to me that they love you. In fact, everything you've written suggests to me that they DO NOT love you but in fact are just using you.

Based on my understanding of love.... it would be impossible for them to love you and continue with the behaviors you have listed.
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Old 07-12-2012, 11:53 PM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jones View Post
I am in the way so I am not going to be anymore, it is clear oh doesn't want to lose you and I can't stand being second best, I tried to do a middle ground, oh and gf take a break from sex, loving message etc but oh doesn't want to do this so we are breaking up so you have him all to yourself now and not me!
Just a tip....

NEVER say things you don't actually mean or intend. People tend to take things as they're stated, so if you state this, it is to be assumed that you are breaking up with Oh, and that Gf now has him all to herself. Unless this is your intent, don't state it.

It seems to me from all you've written that what you MEAN by that statement is "You're not respecting me and I'm hurt and angry, and I want you to see how much I hurt and then feel guilty so you'll tell me you're super sorry" etc., etc. If that's what you mean, that's what you should say. Don't ever say things you don't actually mean to try to get a reaction or rise out of someone. Oh, Gf, and Bf (just like everyone else) can't read your mind to find your "real" intent, you have to SAY what you mean, not send daggers of words flying in hopes they'll hit someone in the heart. Often as not, you'll miss the mark.

On the other hand, if it is your actual intent to state that you've broken up with Oh so that Gf can have him all to herself, then by all means say it. I just don't think anything else you've written here supports that as your intent, which is the whole reason I'm posting this.

Frankly, I think the whole lot of you need to figure out what you each want and need, and determine if that can be had within this relationship. It doesn't seem like there really is a whole lot of love and respect flying around. Seems more like a whole lot of lying and disrespect, from an outside view.

Ah, and the bit about Gf trying to play Mom to your kids? NOT cool. DO put an end to that. It is clear that it hurts you. Make her aware of that. She may not intend harm, might not know it hurts you. Do let her know.
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