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  #11  
Old 07-12-2012, 05:51 AM
turtleHeart turtleHeart is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
WOW! That's a lot of "shoulds!" Rather a hard-line approach, but wouldn't work for everybody. Certainly not for people who are a little more laid-back in their dating style.
For me it's mostly that I want to quickly filter out anyone that isn't ok with my relationship structure. Beyond that, I see it as unfair to the person being asked out to have them spend their time getting to know someone only to find out they weren't as available as they'd thought.
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  #12  
Old 07-12-2012, 06:05 AM
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For me it's mostly that I want to quickly filter out anyone that isn't ok with my relationship structure. Beyond that, I see it as unfair to the person being asked out to have them spend their time getting to know someone only to find out they weren't as available as they'd thought.
Hmm, well, I like meeting people and getting to know them whether it turns into a romance or not, so I wouldn't think it was a waste of time. No one goes on a date just assuming it will definitely lead to a relationship, do they? For me, the revelation of having multiple partners is part of what is discussed WHILE getting to know someone, but doesn't have to happen beforehand. And sometimes the conversation doesn't go that way until the third date, or maybe until we've had sex a few times already. It all depends on the person and the vibe we have together. If it turns out he wants only monogamy with a monogamous partner, oh well, at least we had some interesting conversations and fun times. That's worth it in my book. But I'm weird - I think going out on dates can actually be fun.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-12-2012 at 06:10 AM.
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  #13  
Old 07-12-2012, 06:22 AM
JohnnyDangerously JohnnyDangerously is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hmm, well, I like meeting people and getting to know them whether it turns into a romance or not, so I wouldn't think it was a waste of time. No one goes on a date just assuming it will definitely lead to a relationship, do they? For me, the revelation of having multiple partners is part of what is discussed WHILE getting to know someone, but doesn't have to happen beforehand. And sometimes the conversation doesn't go that way until the third date, or maybe until we've had sex a few times already. It all depends on the person and the vibe we have together. If it turns out he wants only monogamy with a monogamous partner, oh well, at least we had some interesting conversations and fun times. That's worth it in my book. But I'm weird - I think going out on dates can actually be fun.
This just seems dishonest and misleading to me...
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  #14  
Old 07-12-2012, 06:23 AM
turtleHeart turtleHeart is offline
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And sometimes the conversation doesn't go that way until the third date, or maybe until we've had sex a few times already.
One thing I find from reading the threads on here is that polyamory is very different for everyone :-)
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  #15  
Old 07-12-2012, 06:32 AM
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This just seems dishonest and misleading to me...
Why? I don't lie if asked, or if the topic is relevant to the conversation we're having. All I'm saying is sometimes you go on a date or two and talk about all manner of things yet not get around to the topic of relationships. If I blurted out, "I have a lover" completely out of context, I think it would come across weird, and my date would be like, "Who asked?" It would seem like I was pushing an agenda to turn this little coffee date into a serious relationship too soon, as if I was saying, "I know you want me." But I'm content with dating and like getting to know someone without trying to turn every possibility into a relationship. And sometimes things get sexual real fast, with some people, and I have had the experience of talking about whether or not we were involved with others while in bed, or the morning after.

That doesn't happen too often for me, but my point is that it's different for everyone and there are all kinds of reasons why it might not be brought up right away. My tendency is to bring it up only if if it looks like there is definitely interest in continuing to see someone and develop a relationship. Just going on a date, to me, is just going on a date. I hate it when people see dates as auditions. It can be simply an opportunity to meet someone, enjoy their company, have a few laughs, and just connect with another human being. IF we're compatible and it leads to more dates, then I definitely let them know I am not into exclusivity, but I can't say definitively when that convo will take place. That's why, personally, I don't have a rule for myself about when to bring up the fact that I have lovers and intend to keep on having several lovers. Certainly, it would be different if I were dating as a married person, or if I had a live-in partner, but I am independent and solo.

I also must acknowledge that there are regional differences in what dating is and how people approach dating. I know that dating etiquette differs according to the culture where you live.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-12-2012 at 03:00 PM.
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  #16  
Old 07-12-2012, 01:32 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I always told mine from the get go. Like before we even made the first date. And it would go something like this...

"Listen, I like you a lot. But you need to know I'm not looking for exclusive relationships. I actually have ____list partner(s)___ that I'm seeing. But you may not be up for that kind of dating situation. I want to respect your wants, so I need to tell you that up front. If it isn't your scene, that's fine. We can keep it at friends. If you are up for that, then I'd love a date."

And that's about it. I don't see the point in making things harder than need be. I didn't want to deal even in FRIENDS that couldn't accept me how I was, or accept me with my partners. If they want to know more -- how serious are the other partners? How long have I been with them, etc. I'll lay it out.

But I rather they know those cards are on the table from the get go. They don't need to know my life story, but they need to know that on there.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-12-2012 at 01:36 PM.
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  #17  
Old 07-12-2012, 03:26 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I think that a lot of this depends on what the definition of "date" is...

If there is ANYTHING intimate going on, or if there is even the talk of something intimate happening in the near future, then it really needs to be brought up asap. It should certainly happen before any sort of expectation of a romantic relationship is on the cards.

If it's meeting at a coffee shop for a chat about ourselves and the world, then that's a lot more low-pressure.

For me, talk of my partners tends to naturally come up in the conversation before long at all, because they are both such a significant part of my life. I know that this doesn't apply to everyone.

If I were moving to another country in order to be with a new partner, I think that this would naturally come up very quickly in the conversation. not just that I was moving, but why.
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  #18  
Old 07-12-2012, 07:32 PM
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Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
It's not a rule, but I can't imagine going very far in a conversation in a social situation without bringing up my husband and kids. And if it's someone I'm interested in being friends with, TGIB gets brought up shortly after. Anything else feels like false pretenses at best. And trying to explain after the fact (cause it's a part of my life, it's GOING to come up if I'm good friends with someone) has way too much potential to BLOW. UP. If there's going to be tension or drama, I'd rather it be at the beginning before anyone's invested.
HECK YES! I can't imagine not talking about my kids, boyfriend and husband. We all live together-my whole life is wrapped up in them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hmm, well, I like meeting people and getting to know them whether it turns into a romance or not, so I wouldn't think it was a waste of time. No one goes on a date just assuming it will definitely lead to a relationship, do they? For me, the revelation of having multiple partners is part of what is discussed WHILE getting to know someone, but doesn't have to happen beforehand. And sometimes the conversation doesn't go that way until the third date, or maybe until we've had sex a few times already. It all depends on the person and the vibe we have together. If it turns out he wants only monogamy with a monogamous partner, oh well, at least we had some interesting conversations and fun times. That's worth it in my book. But I'm weird - I think going out on dates can actually be fun.
I think this is a definition issue. To me "date" means that we are already considering a partnership as a possibility. I go out with friends and people from school socially, but we don't classify those as dates. So, it may not come up in those situations, in fact, even when Maca, GG and I have gone together to events in these groups-it hasn't always come up.
But, socially getting to know people type "dates" are different from "romantic dates". Yes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
I think that a lot of this depends on what the definition of "date" is...

If there is ANYTHING intimate going on, or if there is even the talk of something intimate happening in the near future, then it really needs to be brought up asap. It should certainly happen before any sort of expectation of a romantic relationship is on the cards.

If it's meeting at a coffee shop for a chat about ourselves and the world, then that's a lot more low-pressure.

For me, talk of my partners tends to naturally come up in the conversation before long at all, because they are both such a significant part of my life. I know that this doesn't apply to everyone.

If I were moving to another country in order to be with a new partner, I think that this would naturally come up very quickly in the conversation. not just that I was moving, but why.
YUP!
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  #19  
Old 07-12-2012, 08:19 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Lots of good advice and viewpoints here.

One thing I'm wondering is J's motivation. I'm in a similar position - I'm in the UK and my girlfriend is in the US. I'm wondering if I can empathise with J in the sense that if I was lucky enough to be moving to the US for good... there'd be part of me that would want a casual, last European fling if I met someone really interesting. Do you think it's possible that because he feels there won't be any long term potential for the two of them, he's a bit more tempted to ignore certain boundaries to get what he wants?

Incidentally, my GF, her husband and I tell everyone that about our involvements before the first date even happens. If they are not OK with it, we don't go on that first date. We also expect our secondary partners to meet our primaries before sex happens (chat with them online when I'm in the UK). If a secondary partner starts to become a bit disrespectful of our primary relationships, or starts to cause trouble, that's usually a warning sign for us, too.

That being said, my GF's husband has terrible luck with women. And they all run for the hills when he tells them he's poly. It's gotten so bad for him, he's so saddened and frustrated because my GF has huge success with men. So she recently suggested that if he wanted to have a quick fling, he could leave out the poly part for the time being.

So, I think it really comes down to what's right for the two of you.

I think it's great that you don't want to restrict him - but you're not a robot. Sometimes it's not jealousy, but something else we feel... disrespect. That feeling can come out of nowhere and surprise us.

If you're poly, rather than single, it means that you owe it to each other to be considerate and still work as a partnership, instead of completely unattached people.

I would recommend that you do talk about certain guidelines for the future. Guidelines are just there to keep things steady; they can always be adjusted for certain situations.

I would definitely say that you should have a think about your own expectations and what is ok for you in this relationship. If J doesn't know something's bothering you, he's likely to just carry on as he is.

Oh, finally - no... I don't think you're being selfish in the slightest.

Good luck with everything and congratulations on him moving... I'm very jealous!!
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  #20  
Old 07-12-2012, 09:00 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
No one goes on a date just assuming it will definitely lead to a relationship, do they?
That's interesting, because the way I see it, if I have a date with someone, I'm in a relationship with them. No "leading to" a relationship, already in one, I mean that's what dating means to me.

This being said, I don't think there is a hard rule on how or when to bring it up, but since he's told that guy that he's going to go to the US, he definitely had the opportunity to mention you and decided not to. He can't say it "didn't come up", because it did. There has to be a reason he's not mentioning it, maybe he's afraid to push the guy away, maybe he thinks it doesn't matter much because he's leaving soon... I don't know, but if it makes you feel uncomfortable, make sure to talk to him about it.
The right time for him to tell others he's with you is before you're uncomfortable that they don't know yet. If that means the first date, or before the first date, so be it.

I don't think he was being dishonest to begin with, he probably didn't mention it in the first date because he didn't see the point, but if you mentioned that you wanted him to say so on the second date and he didn't, that's bad. If, however, he said something like "I'll probably tell him next time I see him" and you seemed nonchalant about it, he might not have realised how much it mattered to you.

Either way, make sure to talk to him and explain how important it is to you so that it doesn't happen again. I don't think it's unreasonable, you're away from him already, and by not mentioning you he's giving the impression that he can just push you out of his life, in a way. You might have cared less if he was living with you already, but in long distance relationships, it's even more important to be recognised.

Now, for the way I do things, I personally can't imagine dating someone who doesn't know me enough to know I have a boyfriend. I mention him a lot, there is no "it didn't come up" about it, if someone asks me where I live he comes up, if I talk about my hobbies he comes up, he's an important part of my life an everyone should be aware of that if they plan on dating me.
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