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Old 07-12-2012, 01:52 AM
9minutes 9minutes is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Default Time to tell a new partner you're in a relationship?

My boyfriend of 2 years (J) and I are currently in a long-distance relationship, but in 2 months he's coming to the US from Europe and we're moving in together. Recently, he told me about meeting another guy (X) who he seems quite interested in, and from what he's said they seem to have really hit it off.

After his first date with X, I asked him what X thought of the fact that he was in a polyamorous relationship, assuming that he had told him. J told me that he hadn't told him, but that he would tell him on the second date. After the second date, I asked J what X thought of the situation, and J said that he still hadn't told him--that he didn't feel like he was avoiding telling him, but that it just didn't "come up". J told X that he would be moving to the US, but didn't mention why. He told me that he would tell him on the third date, and I think that he will, but the whole thing just doesn't sit well with me.

I've been trying to deal with jealousy using some tips I've read, but that feeling of jealousy is amplified now knowing that some other guy gets to be with him for the next couple months, while I don't. It's amplified further when I feel like he's avoiding telling this guy about me, and then those pesky negative thoughts and insecurities creep in.

I hate the idea of dictating his behavior by making up and enforcing "rules", but I think I would just feel most comfortable if any potential new partners (or at least, ones that go beyond casual one night stand encounters) are informed as soon as possible of the situation. I don't know if I'm being reasonable for expecting this, or if I'm being petty and selfish. It just makes me feel more secure if I'm acknowledged as a significant part of his life right from the get-go.

Of course, I'm going to have a conversation with him about this after their third date (whether he tells him about me or not by then), but until then any advice would be much appreciated, as I'm still pretty inexperienced at this.

Long story short, I'm just curious about how you deal with informing potential new partners that you are already in a committed relationship. Do you have "rules" with your partner regarding this, or is it more of an assumed thing?
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