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Old 07-04-2012, 10:50 AM
Emm's Avatar
Emm Emm is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
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How about a completely over-the-top example:

You're allergic to peanuts - the kind of allergic that'll kill you if you so much as look at one.

I love peanut M&Ms.

You can flat out ban me from eating M&Ms or you can explain to me that for your own safety you are unable to be in a relationship with someone who eats peanuts. In the first case I might think you're just being unreasonable and preventing me from eating my favourite snack for no good reason. When you sensibly dump me after finding a half-eaten bag of M&Ms under my pillow, I get to tell my friends about how much of a control freak you were and how you dumped me over chocolate.

In the latter case I'll probably not only avoid M&Ms, I'll also read the back of the packet before I eat other things just to be sure. If, on the other hand, I'm a bit of a dick and decide to eat peanut M&Ms anyway, I'm doing it in the full knowledge that our relationship is now over and I'm the one who killed it.
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Old 07-11-2012, 07:52 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
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Emm's example is good.

When I set boundaries, they're about me. They tell the people in my life what kind of behaviours they can expect from me if I notice certain behaviours from them. In the extreme, that can mean "If I notice you lying and cheating on me, I will leave you."

When I set rules, they're about you. They dictate what I'm allowing and forbidding you to do. Of course, this requires that you agree to my rules, since slavery is illegal.

In your case, you might have a personal boundary that says you can only be in mono relationships. That doesn't take away his right to have polyamorous relationships, but it does mean you'll have to be prepared to leave if you can't handle it. That's different from telling him he's not allowed to have polyamorous relationships.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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jealousy, non-monogamy, open relationship

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