Threesome gone wrong

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

...you shouldn't let anyone feel left out and on the sidelines during threesome sex unless they have chosen to step back for a bit and/or are clearly excited about watching.

Over time, you may gain a sense of familiarity and ease with two other people where things can be a little unbalanced one session because, it's cool, they paid a lot of attention to you last session and who's keeping track? But it takes a while to get there. For the first several times especially, each partner needs to work to actively include the others. This does, in fact, take more awareness and thought than some people may be used to expending when they're busy getting down, so I'm not surprised that some folks get it wrong at first. But if they're not working to include everyone they ARE wrong, in that the person being ignored ends up feeling bad AND the person being focused on will probably end up feeling bad too since no one wants their pleasure to come at another's expense.

Yes! thank you, Annabelle, for confirming exactly what I was feeling and thinking. I think miss pixi was noticing I was getting left out, but she was unable to move out from under him! He's 6'2" and she's 5'4" and was kinda buried under his enthusiastic weight.

There is very much a time for intense, bonding, stare-into-your-eyes, give you all the orgasms in the world, feeling like no one exists but you and me, dyad-focused sex and, hey, guess what, it's when it's just the two of you. That's why it's so foolish, imho, when people think they can form authentic, lasting sexual/romantic relationships without ever having *any* dyad time. A triad is three dyads PLUS the triad.

Yeah... I was thinking, if I'd known that it was Ginger's intent to bond more closely with her, he couldve told me that, and they could have gone off to have some one on one time. But as far as I knew, it was supposed to be 3way sex, yet it wasn't. If we even had sex. Because miss pixi wasn't sure ahead of time she wanted to... although it turned out, Ginger's kisses and caresses were irresistible.

One of the reasons I had a hard time getting these two to understand my disappointment is, they both say they are "go with the flow" people when it comes to sex. So, there was no talking about it beforehand in any detail, as I would have preferred. In talking about it later with miss pixi, she said, "I hate planning sex."

But after I freaked out for a couple days, they both finally got my point. Both were very contrite, telling me I matter, they love me, my needs are important, they want me to be happy, etc. Ginger seems the most interested in having 3ways, or getting it on with her alone, I suppose. He did ask me tonight, in chat, "Do you know the trick to nip this kind of thing in the bud next time?" I replied, "yeah... I just gotta Domme both your asses."

He's a good guy. Apparently he felt so awful for letting me down, knowing how I was tentative to even allow my gf and my bf to have sexual contact, he didn't sleep well last night and couldnt do anything today but sit around.... and he's usually so active.

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by mostlyclueless

We just had a talk. My partner thinks I am never going to be able to handle being poly. I think he is trying to slowly break up with me. I am devastated.

Ugh, mostly, that really sucks! Polyamory doesn't mean 3way sex anyway. That's just a side thing some people end up doing. If he thinks being poly means he gets to shag another chick any old way while you look on... he's the one not cut out for poly. Grrr...

[LovingRadiance]

I've participated in a number of threesomes in the past. Most were with my ex, but a few have been with my husband. I've done mmf and ffm threesomes. All of them went well.

EXCEPT the two attempts with my husband and boyfriend. Both were started by my husband, but only because he thought it would make me happy and both were failures in that they were awkward, uncomfortable and unsatisfying for at least one person.

Based on my experience, I would say that it's much easier to manage a threesome when

A) all parties are in agreement that they want to do it
B) it's play and not serious relationship combining
C) (and most importantly) there isn't a jealousy or competition issue between any of the people.

As for making out in front of others-
my boyfriend isn't insecure or possessive. It doesn't bother him in the least when my husband and I make out in front of him.
However, my husband tends to be very insecure and possessive, we have a rule that there is no sexual contact of any sort beyond a short peck style kiss and hugging allowed in front of him. There is no sex while he's in the house.

We all live together (and have for 10 years or so). boyfriend and I simply reconfigure our "playtime" for times when husband isn't in the house.

I think it's really a personal choice and sometimes a changing choice.

Husband had a girlfriend who I enjoyed watching him make out with. not out of expectation to participate, just true compersion for their enjoyment. He also had one who I was so disgusted and offended by that I ended up on anxiety medication and nearly hospitalized over.
Shrug..
It's all about communicating needs at the time and ensuring everyones needs are considered and dealt with.

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter

Mags - I think part of the issue in your situation was that they weren't looking for it to be a threesome when you decided you wanted to join in. You saw them getting physical and turned on the mood enhancers for your own benefit and started trying to vie for attention.

No, BD. There was no plan that it was to be just the two of them. We'd all been cuddling on the couch, and I'd just gotten up for a couple minutes to do something in the kitchen area just a few feet away. To say I was "vying for attention" makes me sound like a skank, or rude at best. Bleh. There is love between all of us, I thought there was going to be mutual touching. No one had indicated otherwise at any time previous.

Oddly, when I think about it, it was Ginger's (later) stated intent to build a bond with miss pixi, but he ended up losing some of my trust in the process. And miss pixi called me selfish! Selfish because I wanted a fraction of the attention she was getting? Sheesh.

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray

That may be, but they were all at MAGS' house. His idea to focus on miss p was poorly timed and basically rude. And not communicating the idea at all with Mags was inconsiderate at best.

Also, even if he had checked with Mags and received her go-ahead to have time with miss p in her house without her involved, if you're not planning on including someone, DON'T DO IT IN FRONT OF THEM!

Would you make out in front of friends at a dinner party? Well, maybe you would, but I wouldn't, I think it's awkward to do that around people you aren't planning on including. And in front of someone you're BOTH in a relationship with, how did Ginger think Mags wouldn't expect to be included??

Again, the monster that is communication rears its head. And basic manners. Ginger dropped the ball, imo, no matter how benign his intentions.

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray

...imagine inviting your boyfriend and your girlfriend (assume you had one) over to spend some time with you at your house and THEY start making out, while you're expected to either watch or go to the office. You're in a relationship with BOTH of them, but are not included. Whether or not you'd be okay with it isn't even really the point- the point is whether or not it's fair for them to EXPECT you to be okay with it without communicating with you about it.

Thank you too, ThatGirl, for confirming I am not a selfish bitch!

To be fair, Ginger is slightly on the Asperger's spectrum and may not have picked up on the social cues miss pixi and I were giving out. But I think he's learned his lesson. We've cleared the air and rebonded in chat. Now, whether miss pixi is going to be game for more of this, I don't know... There are so many variables at play here.

[jones]

Originally Posted by mostlyclueless

Great date ends in threesome. After a while I am not really enjoying it and feeling ready to wrap it up. The other people keep going at it. No one has made me come, my primary is trying to give the other girl a second orgasm -- he has never made me come more than once, or even tried. I feel so stupid for caring so much about something so petty. After a few subtler attempts, I had to ask them to just stop. I couldn't handle it.

After the other person left I had a huge fight with my partner, I was so angry with him, and he was angry with me.

I am so embarrassed and feel so guilty. I took 2 sleeping pills and haven't really slept. Please someone tell me how I fix this. What should I do.

hi hun,

my first threesome (well it was suppose to be a foursome but the guy was to busy filming it )

my bf and the girl did a lot, bf ignored me and would only play with the girl, wouldn't touch me and when I asked if he was ok he said '' I am a bit busy!''

talk to them both and say what makes you happy and comfortable and set some rules, maybe have separate meets for a while as they can't seem to involve you a 3way couple

[mostlyclueless]

Thank you all for your help. It is relieving to hear from people who had bad experiences and then went on to have good ones. I would kind of like a do-over now that I've sorted out why I reacted badly...would it be a bad idea to ask the other parties for one? I am worried they both think I'm too crazy/too much drama at this point...

[ThatGirlInGray]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

To be fair, Ginger is slightly on the Asperger's spectrum and may not have picked up on the social cues miss pixi and I were giving out.

Ooo, yes, that changes the perspective a bit and makes things harder in some ways! Have you and he talked about how being "go with the flow" may not be the most workable mind-set for him, no matter how much he may want it to work?

We've cleared the air and rebonded in chat.

Good!

I can understand if miss p wants to distance herself from something that caused a bit of drama. Taking a breather couldn't hurt, right?

[Arrowbound]

Originally Posted by mostlyclueless

Thank you all for your help. It is relieving to hear from people who had bad experiences and then went on to have good ones. I would kind of like a do-over now that I've sorted out why I reacted badly...would it be a bad idea to ask the other parties for one? I am worried they both think I'm too crazy/too much drama at this point...

I'm concerned about him insisting you're not cut out for poly from this one instance. This assumption that you're not supposed to have adverse reactions is bullshit; I've had to stop my SO from doing the same. Let me feel the way I feel and we can talk about it afterwards. You have that right.

Where have you seen this "too crazy/too much drama" behaviour from yourself? Don't mistake fear and frustration with such a write-off concept. And I suggest a serious talk with your BF before trying to initiate a second romp. He's being dismissive and all it's doing is plaguing you with self-doubt.

[mostlyclueless]

Well, this is hardly a one-off experience. This is the latest in a long series of me not being able to handle poly experiences.

I guess I had expected that there would be bad situations like this in the process of working through everything...he seems to see it differently.