Threesome gone wrong

[ThatGirlInGray]

Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter

Honestly, in my situation, the only place I can make out with my boyfriend is at my house; the house I share with my husband. And yes, I do make out with my boyfriend with no intent for my husband to join in on occasion. Because I don't want every experience with my boyfriend to be a threesome and it has been 2 years since his family's living situation was one where he and I could engage each other physically at his place. Around our friends, I could see it being awkward, but a) Runic Wolf likes to watch and b) if he doesn't feel like watching, he will usually go spend some time in his office to give us a chance for things to go further.

But
1) your husband and boyfriend are not in their own relationship.
2) it's YOUR house
3) I would assume you and Runic Wolf have communicated on this issue, regarding what he is and is not comfortable with and when.

So it's really apples and oranges. Instead of thinking about you making out with your boyfriend, imagine inviting your boyfriend and your girlfriend (assume you had one) over to spend some time with you at your house and THEY start making out, while you're expected to either watch or go to the office. You're in a relationship with BOTH of them, but are not included. Whether or not you'd be okay with it isn't even really the point- the point is whether or not it's fair for them to EXPECT you to be okay with it without communicating with you about it.

[BrigidsDaughter]

Originally Posted by mostlyclueless

Thanks, your replies have been really helpful so far.

It is really hard for me to balance asking for things I want (in this case, having the sex stop) vs. dealing with those feelings so my other partner(s) can do what they want (in this case, continuing the threesome). I am feeling a lot of guilt over not being able to just deal with it.

Is he really asking you to deal with those feelings in the moment so that he doesn't have to stop or is that what you think he is wanting? Perhaps I should have said that you need to work on those feelings before you have another threesome. Expecting that you be able to process through them in the middle of a threesome is an unfair expectation, whether he holds it or you hold it of yourself. I'm sorry that you are feeling guilty, that's never a fun feeling, but many times it comes from self expectations and disappointment that we can't always be who we expect we should. Give yourself the freedom to not always be okay with everything, but commit to learning how to be truly okay and accept that there are some things you won't be okay with and that's okay too.

[Vinccenzo]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

3ways are so freekin complicated! I don't know why some people actively WANT and SEEK 3somes in their poly lives. Dating separately is so much easier! I'm sure we will work all this out, but it's fucking WORK!

You sound eerily like mono people when they find out my husband and I are poly. "ugh its hard enough to find a relationship with one person that isn't full of drama! Monogamy is just so much easier blah stuff and blah"

[RainyGrlJenny]

I don't love a threesome. I instantly go into hostess mode, and worry too much about my partners to really relax and have fun. "Are you too hot? Should I open a window? Can I get you some water? A condom? Has everybody cum yet?"

Fly and I just had our first FMF last week. I had done one before, but he had not, so it was a big deal for him. He found a woman online (I was skeptical, but she turned out to be really nice) and the three of us got together. Turns out she was WAY more into me than him. It's not that he got totally left out, but I definitely felt like he didn't get as much attention as I did. I felt really bad, because this was supposed to be his party. To make it even more crunchy, she and I have been texting and emailing, and this may develop into something between her and me.

All this happened despite the fact that Fly and I have had dozens of conversations about what would be ok, what would make us unhappy, how we would behave during a threesome. I think even with the best of intentions and ample communication, threesomes can be a bit lopsided. Luckily, Fly is cool with how everything went down, even though it wasn't his ideal. But it still makes me feel like a bad girlfriend.

I think it's pretty important that the OP needs to chat with her primary and lay some groundwork before y'all try this again. Sometimes people get caught up in the new and shiny, and neglect their partner during these situations. That was something that worried me, and I'm fairly adamant that I'm not going to be the wallflower at the threesome. I personally need the sexual reassurance of being desirable to my partner, and if he wants to focus on the other person then they should just get it on and leave me out of it! You absolutely deserve a fair share of the attention, and some patience and compassion while dealing with the fallout of what happened.

Magdlyn, I agree with a lot of what ThatGirlInGrey says. I think it's great that the Ginger wants to strengthen his relationship with Miss Pixi, but if that's the intent of the encounter then he needs to include you in a conversation about that, and ensure that you know what to expect. A heads-up prior to the moment was definitely in order.

[mostlyclueless]

I think I am really beating myself up about this one because I was so sure I'd be ok with it. I have had a LOT of trouble with poly, even though it is something that I want, and threesomes were the one thing that had never bothered me before. We didn't need all this communication and groundwork in the ones we did before. I feel so worried that I couldn't even do this. Very worried.

[AnnabelMore]

It's not like everything was going great and then the second his cock touched her you crumpled up into a ball of tears because you can't actually handle threesomes. He was being inconsiderate, you were done with the sexual encounter, they'd already both been satisfied, you asked if they could stop (how did that part go, were you chill, was she chill , or was it super awkward?) which is In fact perfectly reasonable in this context, then you got pissed at him for being inconsiderate (which is reasonable) and he got pissed at you for, well, I'm still not sure what. Where is your failure here?

Also, there is *always* room for more communication and groundwork. It is normal for things to still surprise you and be hard or confusing from times to time, because even if you think you've got something worked out, there will always be a new variable. It's all in how you deal with it. Do you keep your cool and express yourself, or do you freak out and shut down? That goes for both you and him.

[mostlyclueless]

I was not very chill. She was actually really great and comforting. I apologized this morning and she said not to worry about it.

I do not keep my cool. I freak out and shut down very badly. In general, in life, I can be pretty competent and together, but with all of this poly stuff I have been a fucking train wreck.

My failure was that part -- not being able to be calm and reasonable. I lost my temper and said some terrible things.

[Arrowbound]

Well, now that the freakout storm has passed over and you and your BF are calmer, it's about that time to sit down and share with one another. Trade apologies, acknowledge hurts, reaffirm that you are still in this but learning how to deal with each thing as it comes. He probably said some terrible things too, and this was all after a very new and very emotional event.

It's unlikely that everything will go as smoothly as you think it will. The important thing is to voice your discomfort and not feel ashamed that you weren't as calm as you thought you would be.

[BrigidsDaughter]

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray

But
1) your husband and boyfriend are not in their own relationship.
2) it's YOUR house
3) I would assume you and Runic Wolf have communicated on this issue, regarding what he is and is not comfortable with and when.

So it's really apples and oranges. Instead of thinking about you making out with your boyfriend, imagine inviting your boyfriend and your girlfriend (assume you had one) over to spend some time with you at your house and THEY start making out, while you're expected to either watch or go to the office. You're in a relationship with BOTH of them, but are not included. Whether or not you'd be okay with it isn't even really the point- the point is whether or not it's fair for them to EXPECT you to be okay with it without communicating with you about it.

Actually no, we don't communicate about the specifics before hand. When we form relationships with people, we expect that there will be hugging, kissing, making out, sex, etc. That is what we view as being in a relationship with someone. All the communicating necessary in that regard, the majority of the time, is to let each other know we plan on starting a sexual relationship with someone either before it happens or shortly after it happens.

In my opinion, it seems a little like trying to put the genie back into the bottle to have a threesome with my loves and then tell them they couldn't have whatever relations they wanted to have w/o me. With Runic Wolf's last girlfriend, their first time was a foursome of sorts with her and her husband and I (though her husband and I never interacted in anyway with each other). I was in a relationship with both Runic Wolf and his girlfriend, but yes, I stayed downstairs and kept her kids and husband entertained on the xbox while they went upstairs to have sex without me in my bed even. *shrugs*

If I recall correctly, Mags and Ginger left Miss Pixie alone in another room of the apartment to go have sex w/o her. Later, Ginger thought that Mags was satisfied and so didn't pick up on her wanting to be involved in his encounter with Miss Pixie. To me that would be a valid thought. . . . I just had sex with my partner. She knows that her girlfriend and I are interested in each other and we've had a threesome before, so she won't mind if we fool around. Mostly likely, this was a fair assumption because they had talked about it. Unfortunately, we don't always know how we'll truly react, even if we assume we'll be okay with something as I told the OP.

[mostlyclueless]

We just had a talk. My partner thinks I am never going to be able to handle being poly. I think he is trying to slowly break up with me. I am devastated.