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Old 07-10-2012, 04:32 AM
Daffodil Daffodil is offline
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Default Hey. (Sock Puppet Trolling Thread - Closed)

Hey everyone.

I have been reading these threads for a long time and have gotten some valuable advice from others on here in similar situations such as I am in with my husband. I have gotten a lot of great advice as to the strength of a love through many obstacles over many years together and it has given me hope and strength.

We have been open for several years. He has been much more active than I have been due to unfortunate circumstances but I have always been supportive of him and the choices he has made with other women. I am friendly with several of his previous girlfriends.

However, I am struggling with this latest one. They have been together for quite a while and are in love with each other. At first, I tolerated her, tried to like her. But now I really just want her out of the picture. She hasn't really done anything to warrant my distaste but I do feel slightly threatened by her and her connection with my husband. I should thank her first; she inspired a competitive streak in me that never existed before and now I want my husband more than ever; not so much because I want him, but because I don't want her to have him.

I know I sound selfish with that statement but I am sure there are others that feel that way about their Metamour too. I do have a LDR with another man, so it's not that I am mono. I just don't want her around. How do I make my husband see the light here without issuing a veto?

Advice is welcome.

*Smiles*
Daffodil

MOD NOTE FOLLOWS:
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Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
On further examination of this thread, it's become apparent that this entire thread is a troll by newtoday, using Daffodil as a sock puppet.

This thread will remain closed, and can be safely ignored by readers who might have otherwise been concerned for the OP's well being...since they don't exist.

Anyone with questions can direct them to myself or other members of the mod staff.

Last edited by ImaginaryIllusion; 08-17-2012 at 01:01 AM.
  #2  
Old 07-10-2012, 01:45 PM
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Welcome to the Forum.
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Old 07-10-2012, 02:12 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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hi and welcome,

How long have they been in a relationship? what quite a while ...

Have you discussed this vibe or feeling you get about her with your husband ?

Pretty hard to get someone to see a light that's not really there..."she hasn't really done anything to warrant my distaste "
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Old 07-11-2012, 12:35 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post

She hasn't really done anything to warrant my distaste but I do feel slightly threatened by her and her connection with my husband. I should thank her first; she inspired a competitive streak in me that never existed before and now I want my husband more than ever; not so much because I want him, but because I don't want her to have him.

...

I just don't want her around. How do I make my husband see the light here without issuing a veto?
A couple questions for you:
What light is it that you want your husband to see? You seem somewhat neutral about her actual character, but apparently there's some flaw or something that you wish your husband to notice.

Second, if you manage a veto, or even to get rid of her without one, what purpose would it serve? What advantage would you gain from their breakup?

Is the spite you express for her worth the misery that your husband will experience when they break up?
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Old 07-11-2012, 04:20 PM
Daffodil Daffodil is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post

How long have they been in a relationship? what quite a while ...

Have you discussed this vibe or feeling you get about her with your husband ?

Pretty hard to get someone to see a light that's not really there..."she hasn't really done anything to warrant my distaste "
Hey there,

Thank you for your reply!

I'm unsure exactly how long they have been together. I didn't pay attention in the beginning as he has been seeing many women casually over the years since we opened our relationship. I believe it's been about 18 months.

I have spoken to my husband, yes, but not in an inflammatory way. He is quite taken with her so I don't want to upset the boat too much. He is intent on continuing his relationship with her

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
A couple questions for you:
What light is it that you want your husband to see? You seem somewhat neutral about her actual character, but apparently there's some flaw or something that you wish your husband to notice.

Second, if you manage a veto, or even to get rid of her without one, what purpose would it serve? What advantage would you gain from their breakup?

Is the spite you express for her worth the misery that your husband will experience when they break up?
My husband will get over it. He always does. Although he cares about her, she is his secondary. He will still have me.

The problem is, there is nothing wrong with her character. She is everything he enjoys and appreciates in a woman, attributes that I can't offer, and I guess the fear is that he would prefer being with her than being with me.

The only advantage is that I won't have to see this woman and the effect that she has on my husband and I can sleep better at night knowing that he's home with me rather than enjoying her.

I realize that I sound selfish and perhaps I am, but it's MY marriage. Not hers. I need to protect that in whichever way I can.

*smiles*
  #6  
Old 07-11-2012, 04:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
My husband will get over it. He always does. Although he cares about her, she is his secondary. He will still have me.

The problem is, there is nothing wrong with her character. She is everything he enjoys and appreciates in a woman, attributes that I can't offer, and I guess the fear is that he would prefer being with her than being with me.

The only advantage is that I won't have to see this woman and the effect that she has on my husband and I can sleep better at night knowing that he's home with me rather than enjoying her.

I realize that I sound selfish and perhaps I am, but it's MY marriage. Not hers. I need to protect that in whichever way I can.

*smiles*
Wow. Aren't you just a treasure?

Please explain WHY you are in a poly relationship when clearly you are too insecure to handle this new love in a mature way?

You're right. She does offer him more ; less selfishness and more sincerity for starters.

You should find a forum for Managing Open Relationships/Swinging. This forum is not the place for you.

Good luck.
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Old 07-11-2012, 06:45 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
My husband will get over it. He always does. Although he cares about her, she is his secondary. He will still have me.

The problem is, there is nothing wrong with her character. She is everything he enjoys and appreciates in a woman, attributes that I can't offer, and I guess the fear is that he would prefer being with her than being with me.

The only advantage is that I won't have to see this woman and the effect that she has on my husband and I can sleep better at night knowing that he's home with me rather than enjoying her.

I realize that I sound selfish and perhaps I am, but it's MY marriage. Not hers. I need to protect that in whichever way I can.
Tell him that you are that threatened by her very existence in his life. He needs to know that you are this upset, even if it is rooted in selfishness and profound insecurity.

However, don't expect him to DO anything about it. Why? Because you are the problem in the marriage. Not him. Not her. You.

It's up to you to figure out why you feel this terribly insecure with this particular woman's relationship with your husband. Lots of people have insecurity and jealousy when they compare themselves to their partner's other partners. It's really common. However, it is the problem of the person having the insecurity to deal with it, with the assistance and loving support of one's partner(s).

Getting rid of this other woman won't solve anything. She's not the problem. I guarantee it that there will be other women who will feel just as threatening to you as she does today. You will still be just as insecure and jealous and threatened as you are now. You have the opportunity to grow denied to a monogamous person. Take advantage of it.

You don't need to be best buds with your husband's girlfriend. But for your own sake as a human being and for the sake of your marriage, figure out why you are so terribly threatened and how to manage and grow beyond those emotions.

Last edited by opalescent; 07-11-2012 at 06:45 PM. Reason: spelling goof
  #8  
Old 07-12-2012, 02:58 AM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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So is the first person that he has fallen in love with? Is that the issue here? The rest were all super-casual, and obviously transitory. This one, if he is truly in love with her, may not be. Maybe that is why you feel threatened by her.

Polyamory is about falling in love with many people in an open and honest way. It seems to me like the only reason you have a problem with this is that it's working rather too well for him...
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  #9  
Old 07-12-2012, 03:01 AM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
My husband will get over it. He always does. Although he cares about her, she is his secondary. He will still have me.
Will he want you if you give him an ultimatum? My partner would kick me to the curb, and rightly so, because if my metamour's only sin is being loved by him, guess what? That's poly! And it's exactly what I signed on for!

Guess what else? If he's poly, that means he can love both of you at once. That's kind of the appeal of the setup for me. The nature of polyamory is such that if he falls in love with someone else, he wouldn't have to leave either of his current partners. Likewise, if I fall in love with someone else, I get to have both of them!

Just what did you and your husband agree to in the first place?

Quote:
I realize that I sound selfish and perhaps I am, but it's MY marriage. Not hers. I need to protect that in whichever way I can.

*smiles*
She may not be married to him, but after eighteen months together, they're definitely in long-term commitment territory, which means you should've voiced your objections when it started.

Except, of course, that you couldn't be arsed to pay attention to him then. *smiles*
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  #10  
Old 07-12-2012, 12:33 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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How have you been married ? How you into the marriage did you decide to open it up ? ....and why ?

How many bf's have you had during your marriage .....and how long with rthe current one ?
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jealousy, mono programming, need for therapy, ownership, pathetic, possessiveness

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