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  #41  
Old 07-02-2012, 03:06 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Now, that having been said, I know of a lot of guys who love the game-playing and the second-guessing, and get very intimidated by women who are forthright in their expressions of their wants and needs.

They probably find the people that match that preference.
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  #42  
Old 07-02-2012, 04:33 PM
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You know, it really isn't all that much work for a guy to be polite, respectful, pull out a chair, or open a door. However, just because he does all that doesn't automatically mean he's getting laid. If I want to fuck, I'll let him know in no uncertain terms. But being direct doesn't mean it's okay for him to act like an ape.
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  #43  
Old 07-03-2012, 02:59 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
I know of a lot of guys who love the game-playing and the second-guessing, and get very intimidated by women who are forthright in their expressions of their wants and needs.
And those guys are not ready to play in the big leagues. I am quite direct. If someone, man or woman, is that easily intimidated, then that makes my decision making process much easier.

That said I do think too many women put too much of a burden on men figuring out indirect sexual clues. Subtlety is fine but there is also much to be said for owning and expressing one's desires.
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  #44  
Old 07-04-2012, 03:05 AM
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ksandra ksandra is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
That said I do think too many women put too much of a burden on men figuring out indirect sexual clues. Subtlety is fine but there is also much to be said for owning and expressing one's desires.
Something that hasn't been brought up yet is the woman's actions. A lot of these posts seem like we're assuming that the woman is just sitting these and doing nothing. In that case, yes, it is all up to the man. But we all agree there are more ways to signal interest than just going: "Let's fuck" yes? So what about situations where both parties are exhibiting all the right body language for things to move forward?
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  #45  
Old 07-04-2012, 03:10 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
A lot of these posts seem like we're assuming that the woman is just sitting these and doing nothing. In that case, yes, it is all up to the man.
I think it's on the person who is interested. Just own it and speak up. Man or woman -- it makes no difference. You interested? Speak up. Other people are not mind readers.

Quote:
So what about situations where both parties are exhibiting all the right body language for things to move forward?
Someone just speaks up and see if it moves it forward?

This is like talking in circles to me. *mind boggling*

I think direct is best. I'm with opalescent here with this quote...

Quote:
And those guys are not ready to play in the big leagues. I am quite direct. If someone, man or woman, is that easily intimidated, then that makes my decision making process much easier.
I know what I want when I want it. I will check if the other person shares same and then yay. I'm not going to be CRASS about expressing the desire but I will express it straight up.

"I find you attractive and would like to ____ you. Would that be ok?"

If no shared desire, then alright. I back off.

Making it harder than it needs to be is just ugh. I prefer KISS -- "Keep is simple, silly."

I don't mind being shot down. I'm paying the person a compliment that I find them attractive. I don't expect them to go there just because I wouldn't mind. They have their own feelings about it.

I expect myself to just speak up and let the person know.

I also expect if a person speaks up to ME that I will say "Yes!" or "No!" clearly.

I expect the person to accept my clear answer.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-04-2012 at 03:18 AM.
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  #46  
Old 07-06-2012, 01:42 AM
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ksandra ksandra is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Someone just speaks up and see if it moves it forward?

This is like talking in circles to me. *mind boggling*
I may have been a little sleep deprived when I wrote this What I'm asking is: Is verbal communication the only way to clearly move a situation forward? Or are there other ways that give clear signals to the other party that don't involve verbal involvement?

Thoughts?
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  #47  
Old 07-06-2012, 02:19 AM
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Oh, sure!! I'm very direct but I think I can very clearly get the message across with my eyes, body language, smile, and some strategic touching. I have no qualms about saying what I want, but it isn't always necessary. And sometimes it's a lot more fun when nothing is spoken!
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #48  
Old 07-06-2012, 03:09 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Is verbal communication the only way to clearly move a situation forward? Or are there other ways that give clear signals to the other party that don't involve verbal involvement?
Physical touch? Hold a hand? Play footsie? Invade personal body space and get within kissing range? Actually kiss them? Take your shirt off?

But you better be pretty dang sure they feel the same.

It is very alarming if they do not for them to receive unwanted attention like that.

Verbal still seems simplest to me, then move on to physical touch.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-06-2012 at 03:12 AM.
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  #49  
Old 07-06-2012, 03:48 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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For me, when I'm sending out all the body language signals that show I want to be kissed or whatever, verbal confirmation is overkill and the mood goes away. But I'm not a naturally touchy-feely person, so when I am in the mood for physical contact, it is quite obvious.

The only time I've ever had someone straight out ask me if it was okay to kiss, touch, grope, etc me is in casual sex situations. Never in my dating life has it ever happened nor have I ever felt like it needed to happen - things flow organically and generally if a person I am dating and I don't sync up enough to be on the same page about whether or not a kiss is okay, I don't see a relationship happening - not because I expect mind readers, but because I expect a person to be able to read my body language enough to know when it is a "don't touch me" moment. A conversation happens before it goes beyond kissing, but that is a safety thing more than a consent thing.

In open relationships, communication is important, but I don't think explicitly asking "Is it okay if I kiss you?" is necessary except in very special situations. Generally, it's pretty darn obvious if someone is okay with being kissed. The exception to this may be if you haven't had the rules/boundaries conversation yet, but I would think that would happen early enough on that it would preempt any unwanted physical overtures.
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  #50  
Old 07-10-2012, 07:27 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Just FYI, this thread has completely warped me. Made a friend, had a long chat, over some food. After saying he didn't envision me as a long-term primary, he volunteered his interest in finding out what else we might want to do. Fine. Get to cars. He went for a hug (hadn't figured him for a hugger, should have, probably). He went to kiss me, and I turned my face. Then he mumbled something about a kiss, and kissed me.

ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS THIS THREAD.
lol

I was surprised, I guess, because I hallucinated that he was the sort who would ask, and ask directly. (I didn't have much reason to hallucinate him up that way, but there it was) I wasn't asking because I wasn't that interested. I can't imagine wanting to kiss someone that I don't know that well. I mean, it was a lovely chat, it really was. I'm just not inspired to kiss on first dates. And it wasn't even a date.
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