Safer sex, trust, and long-distance relationships

[sparklepop]

I'm sorry if I've missed this somewhere...

How long have you known him?

Did you meet him randomly in NYC and this is how it all started?

If this helps, I'll tell you about my situation.

I'm in an LDR with my GF. I'm in the UK, she's in California.

We met online last March.

We didn't meet in person until October last year.

Practically every day since we've met, we've spent about 4-8 hours a night on Skype, talking, video calls, texts, emails, the whole lot.

We actually feel we have a deeper relationship now, because most of it has been based around conversations on the phone.

We have an extremely deep level of trust.

Honestly... with your Brazilian guy... unless you are Skyping with him every night, it's going to be difficult to build trust.

You can't actually build anything unless time is put in. You also can't prove that he doesn't have a wife in Brazil.

STDs... well, I don't know so much about there being a bigger risk in people from other countries. It's probably more the case that more women sleep with foreign men, because of the romance of it all. So yes.. haha... he may have been around the block a few times... who knows?

The only way you can protect yourself from that is to use condoms and do not perform oral on him. Even if someone had shown me their test results, I still use condoms / no oral, until I trust them.

I definitely don't think you need to be ready to sleep with him next time he comes to visit. If he's coming for work anyway, then seeing you will be a bonus. Even if he's coming just to see you? You still don't have to do anything.

There is a chance that he could be genuine. I will admit that my girlfriend is ten years older than me and much bigger than anyone I've ever dated. But I think she's the most amazing woman I've ever met. It could be like that for him too.

I'll keep checking back on this question in case you add more details

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by sparklepop

I'm sorry if I've missed this somewhere...

How long have you known him?

Did you meet him randomly in NYC and this is how it all started?

Yes, totally random. I met him on the street. Hey, I've dated guys I met on the street before, or in the subway, at the laundromat, etc. I met my husband at the post office. NYC is not as unfriendly as people say!

I was standing outside a bar talking to two people as he was coming out of the bar. I was saying something to them, he must've thought I was talking to him and turned to me. He said, "What did you say?" I repeated myself, and he made a comment and I acknowledged him, but then I just turned back to the other two people and said goodbye to them, since I was already in the process of leaving anyway. I left, and almost two blocks later, I heard someone yelling something. I turned around and he was trying to catch up with me, so I stopped. The streets were crowded with people, it was a Thursday night in an area where lots of bars and clubs are (Thursday nights here are like Friday nights anywhere else), so it wasn't like I stopped in a desolate deserted street to talk to a stranger chasing me, or anything like that.

We stood there and talked for about ten or fifteen minutes and he asked me out to dinner the next night, because he was leaving NYC for Brazil the day after that. So, I went to dinner with him and that's when we shared more personal info with each other, and he told me about his coming to the city a few times a year for this new business venture. We took a little walk after dinner. He was very much a gentleman. Before parting, he expressed that he would like to see me when he comes back here, he wanted me to email him, and at the end of the night he kissed me. It was the only time we'd made physical contact all that night, and it was pretty hot.

He already has my email address because we shared it the first night we met so we could coordinate when/where to meet for dinner. But I think he wants to leave it up to me and not be pushy, so he hasn't contacted me yet. It's been about three weeks now, since we met.

Originally Posted by sparklepop

Honestly... with your Brazilian guy... unless you are Skyping with him every night, it's going to be difficult to build trust.

You can't actually build anything unless time is put in. You also can't prove that he doesn't have a wife in Brazil.

I don't have the energy to invest in anything daily with anybody, even if they lived around the corner from me. I'm not the type of person who needs contact every day with people I'm involved with. I see Lively once a week and that works well for both of us. But I could see Skyping with this man once a week or so until he comes back to the city. That's a good idea, as we can feel like we're actually having a conversation instead of just emails. I know I signed up for a Skype account once, and my new little laptop has a built-in camera, though it's not the best quality. I've never actually Skyped before and I'm too broke right now to buy a separate new webcam thingie. But I'm somewhat tech-savvy and I can figure it out. I guess I'd start with a thoughtful email first, though.

Originally Posted by sparklepop

STDs... well, I don't know so much about there being a bigger risk in people from other countries. It's probably more the case that more women sleep with foreign men, because of the romance of it all. So yes.. haha... he may have been around the block a few times... who knows?

The only way you can protect yourself from that is to use condoms and do not perform oral on him. Even if someone had shown me their test results, I still use condoms / no oral, until I trust them.

Whenever I've gone to get tested they always ask if I've had "sex with a foreigner," LOL. I believe the level of risk is connected to what country they're from. I don't know.

I would always use condoms anyway, and I guess I would just have to use restraint and not have oral sex. I just don't know how, practically, asking him to get tested will work if he's only going to be here a week or so. I guess I could bring him to a free clinic. But then wait for results? I guess I will have to work out the logistics.

Originally Posted by sparklepop

I definitely don't think you need to be ready to sleep with him next time he comes to visit. If he's coming for work anyway, then seeing you will be a bonus. Even if he's coming just to see you? You still don't have to do anything.

There is a chance that he could be genuine.

I have a feeling he is genuine, but it just seems like it's almost too good to be true, and it's the logistical/practical ways of conducting the relationship that have me stymied.

I do see that it would be much better if we take time to develop the relationship and become more familiar with each other via Skype before he comes back. And then I will know better how I feel when he actually gets here.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by nycindie

One thing that keeps coming up for me is a good deal of skepticism....

He is a much younger guy, says he is a doctor, and supposedly getting divorced. He tells me his wife already moved back to Europe to be with her family and that they've been separated for a while. Apparently he works in his practice about 60 hours a week and looks forward to his trips to New York as a getaway, in addition to a new business thing he's getting into. In my mind, I just don't know how I can really believe and trust someone who lives so far away, and comes from a different culture. How do I verify anything he says?

If he's working on something in NYC, there should be records available about it in NYC. Filings for permits or incorporation or whatever. Try to find out with whom he's going into business and see if they actually exist. If you can find anybody else whom he knows in NYC, see if you can get a bit of time with them to learn about him--you're curious to find out what other people think about him, which is entirely understandable.

As for checking on the separation, I have no idea how to go about checking on such things in other countries. Conversation with other folks who know him is likely the only way you have available for such a check.

[nycindie]

Okay, so some good suggestions here. I decided I will email him this week and let him know I'm interested but a little skeptical of how this will work, and a bit cautious, and also that I would like to get to know him a bit via Skype before he comes back. I want to find out why this kind of LDR with me is appealing to him, and will tell him that I would like to take things slowly. And then I am going to make every effort to verify whatever he tells me. I kinda feel a little weird about asking him to be in touch with his friends here (he told me there is a group of people he knows in the city), but if he is hesitant to "introduce" me to them, that tells me something. I am really not sure how attracted to him I am, so I will only bring up the issue of STI tests if we start to build that sort of sexual attraction and it gets nearer to his coming back. If I don't really feel any kind of sexual pull toward him, we can just be friends - and I will see what his reaction is to that.