Originally Posted by Magdlyn
I see lots of "she should have, she could have, she shouldn't have's" about your bf's gf's feelings.
Telling your bf to tell his gf "don't feel jealous..." well, it just doesnt work that way. Jealousy is an emotion that needs to be felt, and worked through, and finally let go of when one is secure. You can't just *poof* it away.
However, even if she has always been interested in polyamory, thinking about it and actually doing it successfully are 2 different things. I shared my story with you to show you how that went down for me. I was completely overcome with surprise at the intensity of the NRE my husband had for his gf. They didn't keep it in check, and I wasn't prepared to deal with it, despite having read The Ethical Slut. I ended up feeling more like his mom, like a mother sending her teen son out on dates, and like the babysitter for our kids, doing the drudge work while he was out having fun.
It can really take a while to learn the ins and outs of polyamory. Your heart does get dinged and even broken sometimes.
By the way, glad you shared your story. I understand how you felt. I understand how she feels, too.
Wanting polyamory and doing it without jealousy are two different things.
Still, as a person who feels more comfortable with it, I'm allowed to talk about my relative feeling of ease about it. You don't have to take offense to it when I say how I am compared with how she apparently is. She's more jealous/more insecure. I don't know how many times I've said it doesn't make her bad. Just less secure and more jealous. I think it'd be difficult for me, too, just not as much so.
And as far as feeling bad about the NRE of a partner and his new woman. I think one solution to that is to get an additional partner of your own. Again, I know that doesn't happen easily either. But you could certainly try to find a partner for yourself too so that you're not sitting at home when he's out with someone else. Have fun. Polyamory isn't supposed to be a woman, her husband, and her husband's gf. It's all too often like that. But the wives and original girlfriends need to get boyfriends and girlfriends of their own and have fun with it. It's not fun for anybody when one person's seething about other people's fun.