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  #11  
Old 07-04-2012, 05:40 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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While I think group parenting is fantastic, and a poly family who wanted to have kids where even the non-biological parents are treated equal is amazing - I would want to know the paternity.

What about genetic issues? What about family medical history to assess risk? What if the kid becomes curious about knowing where ancestors came from or something like that?

I don't know.. I would want to know. My family has a lot of crap that comes with the genes, though, so I wouldn't want to chance having unidentified added risk just to make sure one man doesn't get jealous of the other because his sperm was at the right place at the right time. You can legally arrange for co-parenting rights (which I also think is the smart way to go), and really, I agree with NYC - it's not the genes that make the parent, it's the love.
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  #12  
Old 07-04-2012, 07:19 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
What about genetic issues? What about family medical history to assess risk? What if the kid becomes curious about knowing where ancestors came from or something like that?
Well, while I don't believe there is a point in hiding who's the biological father (after all, you can't hide who's the biological mother, and it has never prevented adoptive mothers, surrogate mothers, etc), I think if you genuinely don't know then I wouldn't want to go get a paternity test. It seems to me it would be kind of pointless.
Wanting it not to be known would be pointless too, though. It's possible the kid will look like their father, or as you said, have a condition they get from them.

However, I think I would want to know the medical background of everyone involved, so if one of the issues arises, we'll know to deal with it. I don't think knowing who the biological father is is necessary, if there are two of them, you can know the medical background of both of them and know what to look for.
Similarly, with knowing about your ancestors, I see that as cultural, not biological. I know plenty of adopted children who wanted to learn about their ancestors and did, and nevermind that they weren't actually related to any of them by blood. You can learn about all your families, each mother's, each father's, learn the ancestry, the origins, and how you fit in the middle. They're the people raising you, so that's who you're getting your culture from, after all.

It is said that 25% of kids are raised by a man who thinks is their father, and who they think is their father, but who actually isn't. I don't think not knowing is a huge deal. I don't think knowing is a huge deal, either. If one would keep you up at night, do the other.
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  #13  
Old 07-05-2012, 04:56 AM
Truebrooke Truebrooke is offline
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Thanks for the responses everyone. (gotta say, the list of a bunch of different scenarios was impressive....thanks for taking the time!!) Given me more to think about, and encouraging about all of you desiring to love and raise children well. I'll check out those other threads too. Thanks.

Keep the stories comin'

Anyone a child raised in a more-than-two parent situation? What was that like?
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  #14  
Old 07-05-2012, 05:15 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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If you are interested in our theoretical journey so far, I discussed this for the case of two fathers and one mother in some more recent as well as some older posts on my blog. Nothing practical to report, but we are just about to start on this very journey next month (hopefully ^.^).
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  #15  
Old 07-05-2012, 06:09 PM
snowwhite snowwhite is offline
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I agree with getting all the legal stuff taken care of. It's just polite and if problems arise down the road....well you don't have to worry much about it. Like right now with our house....it the euphoria of a relationship that is going well, you can rely a lot on trust and that's ok......but when I came out about loving my friend back in March.....issues arose about the house because he thought I was leaving. His mother is also a materialistic bitch who has never liked me (pardon me) so when he told her what was going on, she was like, "Well, she can't do anything about the house, it's in your name!"

Like I never lifted a finger or ever had a any financial input into the house at all. We were never married and in Ga it doesn't matter if you get married after the fact anyway. The original plan was to put my name on the deed to the house, but it just kept getting ignored. Now there are issues and insecurities and I feel that people are being unfair toward me because of how I feel. Quite disheartening and frustrating. I asked him recently if he would object to putting my name on the deed still since my plan is not to go anywhere, he seemed wary of it. Which makes me sad and feel a little mistreated because I have had just as much financial input into the home as he has. He still agreed though.
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  #16  
Old 07-05-2012, 07:34 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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My oldest is almost 21. She's always had more than just mom and dad as parents. My sister was her "second mom" and lived with us almost her entire childhood. She was actually closer to my sister than anyone else (this remains so now).
It was somewhat of a pain in that I wanted my sister recognized for her contribution, but that meant LOTS of paperwork with doctors etc. My daughter ALWAYS wanted her AUntie when she was hurt or sick. So I took the extra time to ensure that every local hospital/dr office etc had on file permission for my sister to do anything for my daughter and she had paperwork in hand as well.

Additionally, my boyfriend has lived with us for the last 10 years. So, all of the kids have been growing up in that dynamic with 3-4 live in "parental role models" and that honestly seems to work VERY VERY well for them. Even friends families (who are unaware of the personal dynamic within the home) comment about "how nice it must be to never have to worry about having an adult on hand".

As for exes-my exboyfriend helped raise my oldest for 4 years (age 2-6) and they remained in contact after I married Maca. In fact, he ended up being a family friend after a year or so. It was deeply meaningful to the kids to keep the adults they love in their lives-even if said adults are no longer in romantic relationships with the bio parents.
My exgirlfriend has also maintained a relationship with my daughter (we dated when my daughter was 2-3). These extra relationships have worked well as back up for me in my duties as a mom. Even though our romantic ties dissolved, I knew these people were people I could trust my child with. So it gave her other safe adults to talk with besides MOM who sometimes (especially as a teen) was NOT her top choice.

Very beneficial.
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  #17  
Old 07-07-2012, 08:00 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Our agreement was that any child conceived by me regardless of the biological father would be the child of myself and MrS. Dude's role - if he were the biological father - would be anywhere from "sperm donor" to "favorite uncle" depending on the state of our relationship. Dude agreed that he was willing to sign a legal document giving up any potential paternal rights should it come to that. The decision as to whether or not to determine paternity, if that became necessary (i.e. child did not look like one more than the other) would have been left to my husband - did he want to know or not? In terms of genetics/medical history - I think knowing the medical history/family history of both is generally sufficient - no major genetic skeletons in the closet on either hand.

I wrote more about our decision/experience in this post:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...7&postcount=19

JaneQ
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