Time: The Enemy

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

But, that means not spending time with the family and then HE gets insecure and pissy over feeling replaced by GG in his role in the family. No fault of GG's or mine . . .

Unfortunately, I really don't think there is an answer unless he deals with the emotional drive in him that makes a relationship HAVE to go so fast from meet to sex &/or the issue that makes it HAVE to be physical time in order to matter &/or the insecurity that drives him to feel he MUST be here more than GG or he will be "replaced".

Ahh, LR. I bolded what I think is the real nugget of the issue for Maca, which I think needs to be addressed more than anything. After all these years, with GG living with you and proving himself a stand-up guy, with all the ups and downs you all have gone through, Maca still feels insecure and thinks GG is usurping his position? Wasn't he trying to deal with this in therapy for a while or something?

I personally don't see anything wrong with wanting relationships to get sexual fast, but I think it is the insecurity about his place in your life, and the family, that adds a frenzied, fucked-up need to push things TOO quickly within the very real parameters of his home life, just to assuage his uncomfortable feelings. Even though we may like a fast pace, having patience and sitting with feelings of disappointment, insecurity, and all the crap we start to believe when we are comparing ourselves to others can be a great teacher in and of itself. It's like something I've often said to people who want to know how they can pursue a crush they have for someone they work with, which will get them in all sorts of trouble, and I tell them to just enjoy the crush and not take action. Just because we want to doesn't mean that is best for us, and we can learn a lot from the wanting.

It also sounds like there is an element of keeping score in Maca's thinking. Like, perhaps a major driving force in his wanting a girlfriend is just because you have GG and he feels that is unfair in some way. But imagine how the potential girlfriend feels at the receiving end of that kind of energy. "Oh, I'm just a prize you feel you've won? Buh-bye."

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by Anneintherain

Any chance he can look for somebody to date who is where his job is? If it's OK for him to have overnights at some point, that might be sensible, he could get right to a meeting/date after work.
.

In theory-yes and yes.
I have no issue with him have overnights. He has an issue with it, because he has an issue with ME having overnights.
As for finding someone who lived in the town he works in, that would be a great idea-and I think it would be awesome, but it would require him to GO SOCIALIZE there, outside of work to meet people-which again, he won't do because he can't see the point in "going out alone" and missing out on the family stuff. So, unless there already is someone, he won't do it.

Originally Posted by dingedheart

What are his hobbies, outside interests ? How much time and energy are directed at those activities.

Fishing/hunting/video games. That's it. Literally. He likes to use his 4 wheeler too-but he only does it for hunting. He quite literally is NOT a social person-which is one of the biggest blockades for him (the next part coming is the other). He wants another relationship-but he doens't enjoy that which makes meeting people POSSIBLE (socializing in group situations).

Originally Posted by nycindie

Ahh, LR. I bolded what I think is the real nugget of the issue for Maca, which I think needs to be addressed more than anything. After all these years, with GG living with you and proving himself a stand-up guy, with all the ups and downs you all have gone through, Maca still feels insecure and thinks GG is usurping his position? Wasn't he trying to deal with this in therapy for a while or something?

I personally don't see anything wrong with wanting relationships to get sexual fast, but I think it is the insecurity about his place in your life, and the family, that adds a frenzied, fucked-up need to push things TOO quickly within the very real parameters of his home life, just to assuage his uncomfortable feelings. Even though we may like a fast pace, having patience and sitting with feelings of disappointment, insecurity, and all the crap we start to believe when we are comparing ourselves to others can be a great teacher in and of itself. It's like something I've often said to people who want to know how they can pursue a crush they have for someone they work with, which will get them in all sorts of trouble, and I tell them to just enjoy the crush and not take action. Just because we want to doesn't mean that is best for us, and we can learn a lot from the wanting.

It also sounds like there is an element of keeping score in Maca's thinking. Like, perhaps a major driving force in his wanting a girlfriend is just because you have GG and he feels that is unfair in some way. But imagine how the potential girlfriend feels at the receiving end of that kind of energy. "Oh, I'm just a prize you feel you've won? Buh-bye."

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
I've said-at one time or another pretty much every word of your post Nyc. It's annoying for me-cause as I said-I can see some very basic solutions. But, they only work if he deals with those insecurities and makes some basic changes about his approach.

His priorities are contradictory. You know?
In and of themselves there isn't anything wrong with any of them.

Like sex, I used to go for sex fast. But, now I have a family and for me, it's most important that people in my life can function with the REALITY of my life and what it means to me. So-I don't do that anymore.
Besides, when I did-the relationships tended to be about just sex and they ended fairly quickly. Which at this point in my life would be a pain in the ass with school, kids, husband, boyfriend. I don't have time for unnecessary drama.

He has the privilege/freedom to have sex-focused relationships. I just don't want to bother befriending them.
He has the privilege/freedom of dating any day he wants. But, he has to be willing to give up time with me and the kids.
He has the privilege/freedom of overnights. But, he has to accept me having overnights.

Really, it's his own insecurities and fears that drive him down a road of "destruction or nothing" options.
He has to deal with it himself. THere's nothing left for me to do.... I know that.
But, its still hard to watch.
You know?

And yes,

He still struggles with insecurities that the kids and/or I will love GG more if he isnt here and YES he was in therapy for that issue-but he stopped going.

[dingedheart]

I was looking at it as a math problem ....finding time elsewhere. Why do you you thinking hobbies have to be social ?

[turtleHeart]

You mention that Maca will talk to someone for months before you know anything about them. Would it be possible for you to be let in on some details about them along the way so that by the time he meets them you aren't so out of sync?

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by dingedheart

I was looking at it as a math problem ....finding time elsewhere. Why do you you thinking hobbies have to be social ?

Oh, they don't have to be. Videogame hobby isn't social> I'm just saying-that's his only hobbies. I don't care if they are social or not-but he struggles to meet people-because he would have to talk to someone to meet them.

Originally Posted by turtleHeart

You mention that Maca will talk to someone for months before you know anything about them. Would it be possible for you to be let in on some details about them along the way so that by the time he meets them you aren't so out of sync?

Once, yes. The last girl. Generally, he doesn't talk to anyone. But, yes he did and yes he could have talked to me. I'm not even really sure why he didn't or why he didn't introduce us-becuase she and I had a LOT in common, but the key thing that created the explosion was the misinformation that was shared because of the segregation.
Shrug..

Just learning through experience I guess.

[turtleHeart]

I don't know if it'd work if your husband is against being among groups of people, but what about attending gatherings that your kids can enjoy while whoever your husband met online can get to know you and your husband a bit without it being so centered on her that you have to worry about the kids getting attached to her after just a couple visits?

Friday night I was at a poly gathering at a big cafe with an outdoor courtyard with about 40 adults and a couple people had brought their kids along. With the large space the kids were able to just run around and entertain themselves for about an hour, just checking in with their dad every 10 minutes or so, while he got a chance to talk to people. If your husband were meeting someone from online, it wouldn't even need to be a poly gathering, just an event where the new person wouldn't stand out too much from everyone else in the kids' mind.

I've met several people I've dated online, and generally try to transition to seeing them in person as quickly as possible to make sure any feelings generated are reflective of reality, and also so they can meet the other people in my life early on.

[ksandra]

I might've missed this somewhere but has Maca mentioned why it's so important that you befriend his So's with the kids? My parents were so cautious about introducing us to anyone they were seeing and we were usually the last to meet them after friends, coworkers etc.

[turtleHeart]

Originally Posted by ksandra

I might've missed this somewhere but has Maca mentioned why it's so important that you befriend his So's with the kids?

I believe it was that Maca didn't want to lose family time, in part because he doesn't want to risk GG having more time with them than him, due to fear of being replaced, so he was trying to combine family time with dating.

[Arrowbound]

Originally Posted by turtleHeart

You mention that Maca will talk to someone for months before you know anything about them. Would it be possible for you to be let in on some details about them along the way so that by the time he meets them you aren't so out of sync?

I second this. I've found for myself, being completely out of the loop in terms of knowing anything about metamours has usually led to me viewing them as cowgirls until I'm proven otherwise. It's not right to assume but I do do that.

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by turtleHeart

I don't know if it'd work if your husband is against being among groups of people, but what about attending gatherings that your kids can enjoy while whoever your husband met online can get to know you and your husband a bit without it being so centered on her that you have to worry about the kids getting attached to her after just a couple visits?

I think this would be an AWESOME idea and it would also alleviate some of the "he gets to know them and then suddenly drops the bomb so to speak expecting them and I to be "sudden friends". I'll certainly pass this idea on!

Originally Posted by ksandra

I might've missed this somewhere but has Maca mentioned why it's so important that you befriend his So's with the kids? My parents were so cautious about introducing us to anyone they were seeing and we were usually the last to meet them after friends, coworkers etc.

The issue is this:
He doesn't want to give up time with the kids and I-as he's insecure and has a tendency to be possessive. He's also very involved and that's a good thing. The first few years of our marriage he tended to be uninvolved and he realized that he didn't like being left out. It's great he figured that out-and we love to include him.
BUT-if he wants to introduce new people into the picture with the kids, he needs to keep it platonic around the kids until some level of dependabillity about the relationship is established. For the kids sake. THIS has proven difficult for him.

Part of the difficulty is again, his own insecurity. My boyfriend lives with us-he's an integral part of our family life and maintains very close relationships with our kids.
Maca wants the same type of relationship. But, my boyfriend has been in the picture for 20 years and that started as JUST FRIENDS.
Building that type of depth, intimacy and trust, takes time.

One of the things GG and I discussed today, is it's a matter of responsibility.

When you are single, you only have yourself to ensure "clicks" with a new potential.
But, when you have kids-you have to ensure that you AND the kids "click" with that person OR segregate your time.
When you have a family-you have to ensure that you AND THE FAMILY "click" with that person OR segregate your time.

Maca doesn't want to segregate his time. Which I totally understand-neither do I.
But, he also doesn't want to learn how to date in a different manner.

For me, any person I consider as a potential, has already established a friendship with me AND MY FAMILY. If that hasn't happened, there is no "potential" for more. I never go in "looking for a date". I'm always looking for a friend. After our friendship has reached the point where they are considered "part of the family" then I might consider the possibility of taking it to a romantic relationship.
By doing that, I ensure that I've already weeded out anyone who has any difficulty functioning with my family.

Pretty much, they have to earn the right to flowers, dates, romance and one on one time-by putting in their time as "part of the group".