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Old 07-06-2012, 05:12 AM
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Seraphic Seraphic is offline
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Default How do I know...

How do I *know* beyond a shadow of a doubt I'm poly?

How do I *know* I'm not just saying it because it's convenient (ie, I don't want to hurt someone?)

How do I know I'm just not simply a slut?
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Old 07-06-2012, 05:16 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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If you are that unsure of yourself, my answer would be-drop the sex out of everything for a couple of months and then see how you feel.

I say that because, if it's really love-it will be there regardless.
AND
sex is like crack-its addicting and addiction can "fake" being real for awhile.


It's a little like saying your bi because your boyfriend wants you to sleep with another woman-and you love him and want to make him happy.
That DOES NOT make you bi-but your deep desire to make him happy might mask the truth.


So, if you remove the addicting part and you drop the truth out there (being poly won't protect people from getting hurt by the way-in my experience over the last few years it tends to be more work, more emotional processing and thus dealing with more hurts actually) you can get a better grasp of who you really are-before you drag others along for a ride.

One of the worst things I've seen (repeatedly) is people who "think" they are poly go out and start multiple relationships only to decide they aren't when their partners find other lovers-and want to "turn back time" which is flat fucking impossible.

So whatever you do-don't move forward til you're flat out positive that you are willing to take the consequences of everything you do-being done in return.

That's my "quick" advice response to your questions.
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Old 07-06-2012, 05:44 AM
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I've wondered this myself, when faced with the harsh realities of being poly.

I love people easily, and my friends are very often attracted to me too. I don't need more than one relationship at a time, I wouldn't go looking for it...but I feel like no matter what, it's just a matter of time until I find someone I love, and they reciprocate. And when that happens, it breaks my heart to say no, because I want to love them. I don't want to reject anyone.

My mono friend who I'm not-quite-dating says that I might feel this way because I've always had a void where family love is supposed to be, and I try to fill that space with more lovers. I don't know if that's true...maybe if I have a family of my own then I won't have room in my heart for more people?

And if I don't want to spend my life with someone, but I do love them to some extent and want them to be happy...and I do couple stuff with them because that's what they want, then what does that make me? A slut, right...?

Thinking these things makes my heart heavy.
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Old 07-06-2012, 03:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraphic View Post
How do I *know* beyond a shadow of a doubt I'm poly?
Is there anything in your life that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt? If so, then you are lucky.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraphic View Post
How do I *know* I'm not just saying it because it's convenient (ie, I don't want to hurt someone?)
Have you felt poly when it has been inconvenient to be poly? Or do you feel poly only when it is convenient?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraphic View Post
How do I know I'm just not simply a slut?
You say that like it's a bad thing.

OK, trying not to be quite so flippant... I'll ask some more constructive questions...
Do you tend to fall in love with another only when your current relationship is not looking so good? Do you use the other relationships to "fill a gap" in your current one? Do you stay in love with people after you have broken up with them, even when that can sometimes cause issues? When you fall in love with a second person, do you feel that you love the current person more or less?

Some of these are ways that I have seen to work these things through.

Hope this helps.
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Old 07-06-2012, 05:13 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am not you. You have your own answers. But I'll try to answer like me.


How do I *know* beyond a shadow of a doubt I'm poly?

Because I love hard, and I love who I love, and that's usually loving more than one.

Because when faced with this, I decided to just live it, and I was open about my want to have ethical non-exclusive relationships.

At the time I did not know the vocab words, but I was dating many and narrowed down to a "V" with me as the hinge. Then I struggled whether or not I was going to add a third partner, and was sorely temped, but told myself not to go there because that would be fun for me but not fair to all in terms of time management. So that was the one I deliberately let go and did not even ASK to date though the attraction was there and I think was mutual. Loving ethically sometimes means letting people go before they even begin, and doing it because you do love them.


How do I *know* I'm not just saying it because it's convenient (ie, I don't want to hurt someone?)

Does not compute to me. What are you trying to avoid and why?

I speak my truth. I'm not NOT going to speak my truth just because I'm afraid of the response or I'm worried about hurting feelings.

Sometimes feelings just get hurt! The thing is HOW you do it. For example, I can't think of a single break up situation that isn't going to to hurt. But letting another go gently and trying to minimize the hurt is one thing. SMASHING HEARTS TO PIECES and not giving a damn is another.

And sometimes being wired poly is hard, because it would be a whole lot easier NOT to love many and not have to deal in ethics all the time. Everyone has a polysaturation point too.

How do I know I'm just not simply a slut?

Like heartbreaker type lying person who sleep around for her own jollies and screw anyone else's feelings? I was not this.

Or like an honest swinger who wants casual recreational sex? I was not this.

Or like a confused person struggling with sexual identity as poly, but not having any kind of sex language besides "good" and "bad." Since this is outside the mainstream "good" then this must be "bad" ergo I must be "slut?" I was not this either.

I was this -- well, it's MY life. And I live it as I see fit, so long as I'm honest and true to myself and maintain some self respect and am not hurting anyone on purpose. I'm good to go. Screw what other people think! They do not live my life. I do.

GG.

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-07-2012 at 03:08 AM.
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Old 07-06-2012, 06:32 PM
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I see polyamory as a structure for relationships, not an orientation like gender or a part of someone's personality. I choose to practice polyamory, as a discipline or approach to my loving relationships. Therefore, I don't think the question, "Am I poly?" is as important as some other questions I could ask myself. And those would be:
  • What kinds of relationships do I want in my life?
  • How do I go about creating them?
  • What brings me fulfillment in relationships?
  • What effect do I have on the people I love and care about?
  • How can I live my life so that my relationships are the best possible expression of who I am and how I love?
I've said this before, but sometimes I think the usefulness of asking oneself "Am I poly?" is about the same as asking "Am I blonde?" Proclaiming oneself poly doesn't really amount to much without figuring out what that means to you and how it can manifest in your life to bring you fulfillment and satisfaction. There is still work to do.
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Old 07-07-2012, 06:21 AM
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OMG, thank you *all* for the responses.

I love my husband. I love my boyfriend. I could be mono for my boyfriend. I once felt that same way with my husband, but I guess it boils down to a singular defining moment....

I *love* my husband, don't get me wrong. He's adorable, he's caring...however, I find him *extremely* selfish. *EVERY* comment I make is sexual in nature with him. When we go to bed, if I want to cuddle, I have to cuddle with him; very rarely vice versa. He always talks about how he "pays the price" when my boyfriend and I are "distant."

If I try to expalain to him that I'm like an ATM that hasn't been serviced, I get a diatribe about how I don't let him do things with me...when the fact is, he's not as amazing as he tells me he is. I'[m not the kind of woman that is just ready to go with a nipple tweak.

My boyfriend,however, lives to please me. If he gets off out of the deal, so much the better, but he really lives for making me happy.

I love both men, but in different ways. So....am I poly or just a slut? I feel like a whore, honestly. I feel like I'm the most vile individual that's ever walked the planet and would rather just walk into the ocean and see how far I get before I meet my Creator......
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Old 07-07-2012, 06:33 AM
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I don't really know why you feel the way you do, but honestly it's vital you accept yourself as you are, and validate your own self.

You love both men.
They love you.

What about either of those things makes you a "slut"? A "whore"? I know we all have deprogramming to do when it comes to living poly, but you come first, and how you see yourself trumps everything. How long have you been feeling like this?
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Old 07-07-2012, 02:09 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraphic View Post
.
I could be mono for my boyfriend. I once felt that same way with my husband, but I guess it boils down to a singular defining moment....
This could be an indicator.

What was the moment?

Ones selfish and treats you like an ATM ...the other lives to make you happy. One wants to try to use or bargain everything to get some benefit or personal advantage. You might be poly but given the players and situation it might be hard to tell.


There has to be guidelines or survey type questions to assess if you are being emotionally abused.....patterns of behavior, language, etc....it might be worth looking into.

Good luck

Last edited by dingedheart; 07-07-2012 at 02:18 PM.
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Old 07-07-2012, 03:29 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
YOU WROTE: How do I *know* I'm not just saying it because it's convenient (ie, I don't want to hurt someone?)

I WROTE: Does not compute to me. What are you trying to avoid and why?
Now this makes more sense to me when you gave more details.

This may be hard to hear. And I could totally be in the wrong ballpark. I apologize in advance.

But I think you are wondering if you are "just saying you are poly because it is more convinient" because saying you are poly is easier than facing some hard truths.

You are not worried about hurting anyone. You are being hurt. You are a hurting person right now. You do not want to endure MORE hurt on you. I am so sorry. :hug:

Are you feeling like a "slut" because you are putting out for your husband even though there's no real desire there? And perhaps falling out of love with him because of the way he treats you? Selfish, all about him and his needs, etc?

But then he's the "husband" slot in your world so you feel like you "owe" it to him because he's "allowing" you to have a BF? Who fulfills you in ways husband doesn't, so there's some guilt going on there? Because something must be "wrong" with you?

I really don't see this as a poly problem if all the above is true. This is a marriage problem, a basic problem in terms of how respectfully you are treated and sex is one the arenas this plays out in.

Quote:
He's adorable, he's caring...however, I find him *extremely* selfish.
"Selfish" does not equal "caring" in my book.

He may very well be good looking. But he may very well also only be "caring" to the point where it serves his needs to get things from you. Past that who gives a damn about you and your needs? That's called being a USER. Not being a caring person.

You are not a machine that dispenses sex whenever he feels like it. There are basic rights and responsibilities in relationship. He does not sound like he holds up all his sticks -- esp in the listening to your wants, needs. Right to nurture/support etc. If it's all about him, what is there for you? No wonder you feel like crap! You are being treated like crap.

This is a serious red flag to me because it could even be a bigger abuse problem.

So I'm going to throw it out there. I'm not saying you are in an abusive relationship. Only you are over there to know what is what. I'm just some internet stranger.

But consider giving it a gander to see if there's any other red flags. Section 13 covers the sex angle.

http://speakoutloud.net/wp-content/u...urphy-2010.pdf

The main page is http://speakoutloud.net/

And if it turns out you are being abused, the leaving time is the most dangerous time -- so I don't blame you one bit for feeling turned inside out and upset. If you are being hurt, but not sure what process stage you are in, search at Speak Out Loud for "stages" -- towards the bottom you will see articles for stages 1-5. It also gives tips for how to support a woman in whatever stage -- maybe BF can read that.

http://speakoutloud.net/?s=stages

I sincerely hope you move to a better place in all this. You sound pained.
Quote:
I feel like I'm the most vile individual that's ever walked the planet and would rather just walk into the ocean and see how far I get before I meet my Creator......
This serious red flags to me. If you are feeling suicidal, please call your emergency 911 type line or google your nearest suicide hotline. Or just walk into any hospital emergency room and check yourself in -- have BF take you!

All people have worth and dignity -- you are a valuable person, even if you are being treated poorly. You have worth, dignity and value. Please hold that up to yourself and take care of YOU.

:hug:

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-07-2012 at 03:59 PM.
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