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  #11  
Old 07-05-2012, 07:37 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I'd say that it's VERY important to differentiate between your feeling jealous of HER-versus your hurt over not continuing to be treated as meaningful to HIM.

I.E. if you need him to text you once or twice a day when he's out of town-that's not about her. That woudl be true even if he were on a business trip.

Versus

you want him to text you BECAUSE he's with her and you are jealous.



One is an issue you need to work on in yourself. The other is simply a matter of identifying your needs and laying them out so that they can be met.
This is an excellent point, for which I am thankful to you for bringing it up. I would have loved a text initiated by him while he was away. I realize I have an issue I need to work on myself and I think these past few days I have done a good job doing so.

I accepted a couple of dates, one from a past (mono) boyfriend, I will call him Scooter in this forum, that I have always wanted to discuss polyamory with. Scooter was very receptive to the idea of me dating other people, but he made it clear that if we did end up getting back together that he would want me to be faithful to him and only him. For now, he said he was fine with me exploring polyamory and seeing my poly guy.
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  #12  
Old 07-05-2012, 07:46 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
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Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
When I'm with one, I almost always think of the other. A lot because I'm in love with both of them; and a lot because I'm so happy they are both okay with this. (or they seem to be...)

....
I relate to your challenge in feeling forgotten, daily. Mostly, I try to distract myself with my life. I try to remember they wouldn't be with me if they didn't want to (these men don't do much that they don't want to).
These past two days have been intense for me.

Contemplating my being polyamorous and being with a poly man, who is out of town with another woman. I figured he's away and after reading advice from people here and from close friends (one of whom is a full fledged poly), I decided to go ahead and accept a date from someone I met through a friend and another date from a former boyfriend I had recently reconnected with. When I was out with both men, I thought of my poly man, however, I persisted on having a good time and for the most part I did have superb dates. Did they help? Yes. Did it ease the heaviness in my heart about not being able to be with poly man these past few days? Not really. But I'm learning...

I hate the feeling of being forgotten. That I'm not so special to him while he is with her. That I'm out of sight, out of mind. That, in plain and simple terms, just hurts.
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  #13  
Old 07-05-2012, 07:48 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Torn...

Hi and welcome ....interesting name choice ...

How long have you been in this relationship? Is this the first holiday or special getaway ?

Have you and he done similar getaways?
Thank you

Been in this relationship a relatively short time. This is the first holiday or special getaway he has had with this girl.

We have not done similar get aways although we have talked about it.
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  #14  
Old 07-05-2012, 07:50 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Because you have a need, when he is away on vacation with the OSO, to have at least a check in. And you don't sound like before he left you laid that expectation out.

You have the responsibility to state your wants, needs, and limits.

Now maybe since this is the first vacaton thingie (is it?) you didn't even KNOW you needed this. So now you do. And when he comes back you sort that out so the next time there's a vacation thingie, you get your check in before bedtime. (or whatever other time.)

Is words of affirmation one of your love languages? Does he know that then, if it is?

In the meanwhile, he's on vacation. What's sitting around moping do for you? Take yourself out of yourself. Do the hobbies you like, see your friends, have some dates. You don't have to put your own life on "pause" waiting for him to wander back in so you can hit the "play" button again.

Tend to yourself.
GG
Thank you for this advice. I will have to re-read The Five Love Languages because I believe I am a mix of at least two languages. I did accept dates and hung out with close friends. I may now have a second boyfriend after reconnecting deeply with a former lover. However, time will tell.

SO is back today but I don't know when I will see him again or if this whole situation has made him uncomfortable enough to start detaching from me...
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  #15  
Old 07-05-2012, 08:04 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by TornHeart View Post
I hate the feeling of being forgotten. That I'm not so special to him while he is with her. That I'm out of sight, out of mind. That, in plain and simple terms, just hurts.
THIS is a TOTALLY reasonable response to being neglected.
It is NOT unreasonable to expect a partner (poly or not) to make a point of letting you know daily that they are thinking of you and love you.
Period.
As I said above, if I'm going to be gone with one partner (or alone, I did just take a month long trip alone), I always make it a point to have a good morning and good night conversation with my beloveds at the VERY least.

It's reasonable for him to not interrupt romantic time endlessly to talk to you. But, there is no reason you can't expect (once you've stated the need) for him to agree to call or text you a few times a day if he's going to be out of face to face contact for more than a part of a day.
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  #16  
Old 07-05-2012, 08:05 PM
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Originally Posted by butterflywaterfall View Post
I'm right there with you. When my guy is with his other gf, I don't hear from him much at all. She is fully aware of me and they are both poly. when he's with me though, he isn't texting her or talking to her on the phone. I appreciate that. When he's with each of us, we're getting his full attention. I think I'd be upset if he was always texting or calling her when he's with me and I doubt she'd be thrilled if he was contacting me a bunch. I think he's at least trying to be respectful of each relationship, but I do still feel jealous and a little lonely when he doesn't get in touch with me.
Be mindful of time disparity, too. I only see my bf once or twice a week. He lives with his SO and obviously sees her much more than me. As our time together is so limited, yes, I would appreciate having his undivided attention during those few hours that we are together, no texting etc unless there is an emergency. When we are not, I do wish that he communicate with me daily, even a brief "Goodnight love, kiss". It only takes 30 seconds but it's time well spent to help fill in the gaps between our time together.

It gets very lonely and it's easy to feel forgotten when there is an extended time of no contact.
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  #17  
Old 07-05-2012, 08:09 PM
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newtoday newtoday is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
It is NOT unreasonable to expect a partner (poly or not) to make a point of letting you know daily that they are thinking of you and love you.
Period..
Love this! Thank you for saying that. I agree 100%.
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  #18  
Old 07-05-2012, 09:30 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
THIS is a TOTALLY reasonable response to being neglected.
It is NOT unreasonable to expect a partner (poly or not) to make a point of letting you know daily that they are thinking of you and love you.
Period.
And I do feel neglected. I'm afraid that voicing out my expectations further will only do the following:

1.) Scare him off
2.) Make him think I am a drama queen
3.) Detach
4.) Think I am criticizing him
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  #19  
Old 07-05-2012, 09:30 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
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Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
... I only see my bf once or twice a week. He lives with his SO and obviously sees her much more than me. As our time together is so limited, yes, I would appreciate having his undivided attention during those few hours that we are together, no texting etc unless there is an emergency. When we are not, I do wish that he communicate with me daily, even a brief "Goodnight love, kiss". It only takes 30 seconds but it's time well spent to help fill in the gaps between our time together.

It gets very lonely and it's easy to feel forgotten when there is an extended time of no contact.
Don't you want to find someone else to date?
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  #20  
Old 07-05-2012, 09:43 PM
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Originally Posted by TornHeart View Post
Don't you want to find someone else to date?
That's a hard one.

My time is very limited. I am a single mother of 2 little ones, my career is very demanding. I don't have much free time to date or invest into building a relationship at the pace that most others would require me to.

I'm a monogamous person at heart and I'm in love with only him. Nobody else can catch my interest while I'm in this relationship.

And most of the time, I'm okay with that. There's times that I'm lonely and wish I could see him more often. But I feel that having one or two dates a week really keeps the passion and energy in our relationship, the anticipation to see each other is amazing! I still get butterflies before our dates.

I just ask for communication in between dates, as simple as "I love you" or "I miss you" or "Goodnight Kiss" to keep me from that dreaded "out of sight-out of mind" mentality that you're familiar with. It's amazing what one little text can do to a person's heart and mood.
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