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  #11  
Old 06-25-2012, 04:55 AM
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Originally Posted by nightrush View Post
I wish it were that simple... We went from total happy, to train wreck. There is no signs of affection, other than him saying he cares deeply about me... the words mean nothing if there is nothing behind them. The one partner yesterday spent part of the day with me working on my rental condo repairs that needed to be done... He has no financial interest in the condo but is always willing to help... I always try to find out the why things happen, incited of the how to make them work... His why... is that he gets happiness out of making others happy and when he sees how happy i am when he does even the littlest thing ( i am easy to please, he will pick be up a box of ranch wheat thins when he goes grocery shopping and it makes my face light up and that makes him happy)....
Have you read the Five Love Languages book? You could even just take the online test, and it might give you some good insights.

Sounds like you really love acts of service 'he's happy making others happy' '...when he does the littlest thing'

So what does other partner do? Maybe he shows love in a different way, because maybe he doesn't understand that you need acts of service in order to feel loved.

I'm more interested to know what do you to for him that makes him feel loved in his way? Maybe is way is gifts. If his way is gifts, taking him to the zoo might not help.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
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Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #12  
Old 07-01-2012, 03:10 PM
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Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
Have you read the Five Love Languages book? You could even just take the online test, and it might give you some good insights.

Sounds like you really love acts of service 'he's happy making others happy' '...when he does the littlest thing'

So what does other partner do? Maybe he shows love in a different way, because maybe he doesn't understand that you need acts of service in order to feel loved.

I'm more interested to know what do you to for him that makes him feel loved in his way? Maybe is way is gifts. If his way is gifts, taking him to the zoo might not help.
No, I have not read the book and I will pick up a copy and take some time to read it. The one partner, that I am not having any issues with yes, when he does little things it makes me feel like I am the most important thing in the world to him. The partner that I am still struggling with, cannot even tell either of us what little things, or large things makes him happy. We have both asked him on several occasions to tell us what makes him happy and he is unable to. I feel that it is more than what is on the surface and that he is willing to tell us. I feel that he may not be happy with himself and that is the reason why he is unable to tell us. There is also the possibility that he does not know what makes him happy and we need to find what that is…. This partner is the one who loves animals and that is the reason I was going to take him to the zoo…. Sadly it was WAY to hot, so we went to a movie that he wanted to see and he seemed to enjoy that.
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  #13  
Old 07-01-2012, 03:14 PM
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I wanted to hold this up. When DH and I were dating we were not exclusive. We were open (now we are in a closed time.)

Anyway...

He was ready to say things like "I love you" much sooner than me. I told him I am a slow burner there and not to take my lack of words as "not love" or "lack of interest." I'm just a slow burner and well... yah. If people are mind, heart, body and soul? I find sharing my body or mind a whole lot easier than sharing my heart and soul. It isn't that I do not want to, it's just that these things come online at different speeds with me, dude.

Where he's wired pretty close together -- he gets those things online much faster.

For a YEAR he'd go "I love you." And I'd go "I know." Sometimes with a smile, sometimes with a look of terror. Like "Aaaaah! He's in love, and I'm faaaaallllling too and aaaaah not READY! Don't expect so much of me, I'm not ready!"

I asked for a year of space and he gave it. By then I was not totally confident about dealign with hurts, but I was more ready to try, and yes. I was ready to say "I love you" back.

So... I think an honest talk with B about his inner world state is in order. How are his buckets? Mind? Heart? Body? Soul?
qute
Esp if he's not super emoter -- I get it. But the trio convo has to happen. Don't put THAT off or not be accountable. Shoot, maybe there's a friend 4th pair of eyes/ears he could practice organizing his bucket thoughts with before talking in trio?

However it gets organized... have the "What's this all about here? What now? How to proceed with grace?" convo

Is his own bucket stuff ALSO mixed up with his feelings sloshing about at seeing you and A together? Jealous you guys are fast burners? Is he feeling left behind like a third wheel? It's unfair to push him to burn faster -- he's the one feeling the burn. And maybe he wants to love, but he feels inadequate at his speed?

If DH had told me "hurry UP! Just love me and say it already!" I would have been terribly hurt, horrified and rather than allowing myself to simmer and open up into loving him more I would have clammed up. Threatening to leave me when I was at a vulnerable emotional growing place. And the reason for a year? My previous ex had bombed in a year, so I wanted to have some distance from THAT before opening up to the risk of hurting again. Two break ups too close together would have just STUNK for me. DH respected that and was content to say "I love you" while I responded with "I know."

Perhaps it is another thing. A case of "well, gave it a try and now feeling it's more friend level than not. NOW what do I do?" in B's head.

Maybe if spoken word is no good, just written word? He needs to give a report on the buckets -- all of you really.

Be a friend first. And really? If there's a break up looming? Prepare to be a good ex. You agreed to "all in, or you go."

(I don't think that was the contract I'd sign up for, but I'm not you. So honor this contract, exit gracefully, be a good ex then. Steer clear for a bit and let them sort their dealio.)

Then see what happens. Maybe you and A end up together. Maybe not. Maybe the trio wants to renegotiate a new contract and try again. Who knows.

But allow yourself to end ONE contract WELL before plunging on to another thing. Even if it's some of the same cast of players.

The tending of heart gardens can be painful, seem bleak, barren. But for new things to grow, gardens must be tended, the glunk put in the compost, and then new seeds planted. Everything in turn, in season. Can't harvest anything before planting seed, can't compost anything without pulling out, etc. One thing at a time.

Hang in there.
GalaGirl
Galagirl,

Those are very inspirational words, no matter what type of relationship that you are in. We are both trying to tend to his heart and make him as happy as we can, but at times it seems that he just snaps back into his old self. I am aware that this is not going to happen overnight, but he went from what we all assume was very happy, to being on the edge ready to jump off. We have both communicated with him that we cannot let it get to that level and that if there is an issue, when it happens please say something so it can be corrected. He is worried that if he says something than it will not be a true changes and we are doing it just to please him. While there are things I have changed to appease my partners, there are some things that are just part of me and there are some things that are just part of them and I think two of us understand that.
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  #14  
Old 07-04-2012, 07:25 PM
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I want to thank you all for your kind words and allowing me to have a place to express my feelings. We are still working on our issues together and trying to move forward. As much as i want to say you until day X or i leave, that is just not going to work, nor harbor an environment of continued success. I promised him as long as we are making continued success, that it would be unfair for me to make such a demand.

I think we have also go to some of the root of the problems that we have with communication. With them living together and me not being there, i don't think he understood the advantage he had. While i cried alone, he had our other partner to support him and he could have vented to him. This has put a lot into perspective and it has allowed me to find faults in my self and work on fixing them. Hell i know I'm not perfect, but i like to make mental plans without sharing them with either plan. While they may just be mental plans, they are still there and i make changes in my life due to it. One being, i was hoping for us to become a family, so i took the semester off school. I didn't tell either of them why i took the semester off, i just did. So i need to work on that a bit more. I will also be looking at some of the reading material presented and my partner found this post and we all took the test.

Thank you all
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  #15  
Old 07-05-2012, 01:46 AM
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Glad to hear you are all willing to talk more and work on things. Are you going to renegotiate the all-or-nothing rule? That, if I were you, would be first on my agenda, since it seems so unrealistic and unreasonable.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
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  #16  
Old 07-05-2012, 01:36 PM
snowwhite snowwhite is offline
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First of all, I am sorry to hear that things are on a roller coaster. It will work out for the best I'm sure, whichever way it goes. You can't go through life unhappy. I am afraid this would be the way it would be if me and my others (boyfriend and wanted boyfriend) began a relationship. I would really like for it to be harmonious and jealous free, but I I think the consensus is that just doesn't always happen and you have to really work at it if you want it to be long term. My poly relationship is purely a discussion right now. Lots of ups and downs and insecurities at the moment, but alas, lots of listening and understanding and contemplating as well

What is a "vee"? lol
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  #17  
Old 07-05-2012, 01:44 PM
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Originally Posted by snowwhite View Post
What is a "vee"? lol
A Vee is what we call a situation where one person has two lovers or partners but those two people are not romantically/sexually involved with each other, but are only involved with that one person. This is different from a Triad where all are involved romantically as a group. Triads are very challenging and will often evolve into Vees if they don't self-destruct altogether. In a Vee, the person who has the two lovers is often referred to as the "hinge," and his or her lovers are called the "arms."

See our Glossary and Definitions thread for more terms.
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The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 07-05-2012 at 01:52 PM.
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  #18  
Old 07-05-2012, 01:50 PM
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nightrush nightrush is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snowwhite View Post
First of all, I am sorry to hear that things are on a roller coaster. It will work out for the best I'm sure, whichever way it goes. You can't go through life unhappy. I am afraid this would be the way it would be if me and my others (boyfriend and wanted boyfriend) began a relationship. I would really like for it to be harmonious and jealous free, but I I think the consensus is that just doesn't always happen and you have to really work at it if you want it to be long term. My poly relationship is purely a discussion right now. Lots of ups and downs and insecurities at the moment, but alas, lots of listening and understanding and contemplating as well

What is a "vee"? lol
SnowWhite,

Yes, i assume one way or another it will work itself out.
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  #19  
Old 07-05-2012, 06:01 PM
snowwhite snowwhite is offline
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Huh, ya that would probably describe me. Thanks!
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