Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 06-30-2012, 09:15 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

My first reaction is that if she's already stressed out at the difficulty in managing the relationships she currently has, then she has no business even thinking about finding new relationships. She has no right to dump her guilt on her partners.

Guess what: Poly is work. Relationships are work. They're not just fun and games, at least not if you want them to work.

My husband is not unlike her, in the sense that he finds relationships stressful and he doesn't enjoy doing "relationship work." When we met, he was the bachelor's bachelor and had no intention of ever settling down. But we have a special connection, so he's learned how to deal with being in a relationship. He's continually learning how to do the work, how to communicate, how to put up with all my girly emotions... But he doesn't enjoy those difficult conversations one bit. So do you think he goes out looking for more girlfriends? Hellllll no! He knows and accepts his limitations. Sounds like your gf needs to learn hers.

Every poly person has a polysaturation point: the number of relationships beyond which they just can't handle any more. If she's so stressed out right now, then it sounds like her current polysaturation point is two.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
I'm finding that I feel as if I should feel 95% ok with everything after over a year of poly. ~laughs~ One year? I'm practically a baby, aren't I?
I don't know where you got that idea from. I'm hoping it's not from things she's said, because that would be a red flag.

If you go to university for a year, does that mean you never get anxiety over an exam? Or is it more accurate to say that when you write an exam on a new subject that you're not 100% familiar with, it can be a little nerve racking? Does a parent feel thrilled with parenting 95% of the time after 1, 5, 15 years? Certainly none of the parents I know. My girlfriend has been in a polyship with her husband for seven years. They still sit down and talk about their feelings every time they have an emotional reaction to something that happened. It's one thing to "get used to it" if things are staying static. But she's actively mixing things up every time she turns around. Of course you're going to have new reactions to new stimuli. You'd be dead if you didn't.

In my opinion, reaching a point where nothing your partner does bothers you means you've become indifferent to them and you just don't give a shit what they do because you don't give a shit about them. The alternative is that sometimes you have painful emotions that must be discussed and worked on. It does sound like you guys are doing a great job at that, so keep it up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
She's a fantastic Mistress and I do think she deserves a sub she can train.

Basically, she just isn't finding what she's looking for - they either don't suit, or they disappear on her, which is why she didn't stop after the first guy 7 weeks ago.
If she's putting the burden of her stress on her partners then she doesn't sound like such a fantastic Mistress to me. A Dominant's responsibilities include taking on that stress and worry so the sub can let go and do what they do best. By the sounds of it, any sub of hers is going to end up feeling tremendous amounts of guilt for "causing" more stress to their Domme. That to me would be a major failure on her part.

Maybe they disappear because they're feeling neglected by a Domme who is emotionally incapable of taking care of them; she's not even taking care of herself.

She chose to live polyamorously, so she's got to own up to the consequences of that. I mean for fuck's sake, she's even got you on here figuring out how to ease her stress, when she's the one that got herself in this stressful situation.

I'm sorry (I'm not really, it's just a figure of speech), but I have zero sympathy for her.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 06-30-2012 at 09:31 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 06-30-2012, 07:42 PM
Arrowbound's Avatar
Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tri-State
Posts: 275
Default

Honestly my only thought regarding Laura is she needs to pump her brakes NOW. She is doing too much for one person and she's starting to burn out. Her primary relationships with you and Mark are taking the hits, not to mention her own personal well-being.

I don't know how you can bring it up to her but it needs to happen, and soon.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 07-01-2012, 03:29 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 350
Default

Thank you to everyone for all the immensely helpful replies.

I've started to discuss these things with Laura and wanted to update in response to everyone that has helped.

You know what's interesting?... I originally posted this question in the hope of finding ways that I could be less selfish and encourage her to enjoy herself, without bogging her down with the (as G.Girl says) 'ping/pang/pongs'.

I have honestly felt like I am too sensitive for poly, that my expectations on being asked how I feel about something *before* it happens (she is genuinely good at asking *after* a date happens) are too high and that I have a more monogamous mindset. I have felt like I have an end goal of "someday, we will hardly ever feel jealous, threatened or neglected and nothing much will bother us".

Whether I have unintentionally put my question across in a way that has elicited these responses, or whether I just wasn't seeing it... it has definitely given me food for thought.

So in update - I have talked to her about the fact that she needs to let go of "I'm the hinge - it's more stressful for me".

I also talked to her about polysaturation. She has now had two dates with a good guy and is ready to make the step to sleeping with him - her first other person since we got together 16 months ago. She has made a very conscious effort to pick someone we all like, that fits for all of us, and to introduce us to him. I did ask if that meant the end of dating for a while, outside of him. She said that it will slow, but she will continue to meet the odd one or two people, if they are interesting, just to have them in the picture for casual events. I wasn't entirely happy with the response; but can see why she wants to carry on.

Finally, she asked how she could have made her dating any easier, when I came back home to the UK in May. I told her that had she *asked* how Mark and I would feel about her hitting the dating scene again, *before* launching herself and us into it, I don't think there would have been as many problems at all. We could have said, "please give us a couple of weeks... it's been a big time of adjustment... then go for it; we want you happy." We would have felt part of it - whereas we ended up feeling like onlookers. Incidentally - her response was that I was making sense, but that she'd already put it off for long enough, for my sake, and waiting any longer would have gone completely against her needs, as she was already denying them. She feels that we shouldn't put time restraints or "permission slips" on each other.

In conclusion, to use G.Girl's surfing analogy - yes: there seems to be a philosophy that our poly V is slightly more weighted towards ensuring freedom and cheering on the person who is surfing the waves (whichever one of us that may be), than about working as a team to ensure everyone's having fun - surfing the sea, or sitting back on the sand.

So end of rambling... I think my epiphany is... she says that she considers us all the time, by holding herself back from doing certain things, when she would have jumped on them if she was single. But maybe the way that she considers us (i.e. denying herself rather than us coming up with a plan together) is the problem - it's ineffective. I don't want her to hold back - I want her to decide *with* us.

I'm not ending the thread: if anyone has input, I'd still love to read it - just wanted to make sure I'm not banging the same drum. If there's more to say, I'd love to hear it - and if there isn't; thank you all again for your help!

Last edited by sparklepop; 07-01-2012 at 04:04 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 07-02-2012, 06:07 AM
Arrowbound's Avatar
Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tri-State
Posts: 275
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
So end of rambling... I think my epiphany is... she says that she considers us all the time, by holding herself back from doing certain things, when she would have jumped on them if she was single. But maybe the way that she considers us (i.e. denying herself rather than us coming up with a plan together) is the problem - it's ineffective. I don't want her to hold back - I want her to decide *with* us.
Yesyesyes!

I get that she's trying to express that she's made changes to how quickly she moves due to her moving at light speed when she was single, and *of course* that should be the most telling sign to you both that she's considerate, but no. She needs to be reminded that people outside of herself need more concrete, physical evidence that she is being mindful of them, namely you and her husband. Period.

She can't be told to not date around, but the fact of the matter is, she keeps stretching herself thin and trying to do too much all at once. It's not fair to her existing relationships. Poly isn't about self-denial and then when you get fed up you gorge yourself on whoever is available. Like you said, VERY ineffective.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 07-02-2012, 08:26 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 820
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
I have honestly felt like I am too sensitive for poly, that my expectations on being asked how I feel about something *before* it happens (she is genuinely good at asking *after* a date happens) are too high and that I have a more monogamous mindset. I have felt like I have an end goal of "someday, we will hardly ever feel jealous, threatened or neglected and nothing much will bother us".

Finally, she asked how she could have made her dating any easier, when I came back home to the UK in May. I told her that had she *asked* how Mark and I would feel about her hitting the dating scene again, *before* launching herself and us into it, I don't think there would have been as many problems at all. We could have said, "please give us a couple of weeks... it's been a big time of adjustment... then go for it; we want you happy." We would have felt part of it - whereas we ended up feeling like onlookers. Incidentally - her response was that I was making sense, but that she'd already put it off for long enough, for my sake, and waiting any longer would have gone completely against her needs, as she was already denying them. She feels that we shouldn't put time restraints or "permission slips" on each other.

In conclusion, to use G.Girl's surfing analogy - yes: there seems to be a philosophy that our poly V is slightly more weighted towards ensuring freedom and cheering on the person who is surfing the waves (whichever one of us that may be), than about working as a team to ensure everyone's having fun - surfing the sea, or sitting back on the sand.

So end of rambling... I think my epiphany is... she says that she considers us all the time, by holding herself back from doing certain things, when she would have jumped on them if she was single. But maybe the way that she considers us (i.e. denying herself rather than us coming up with a plan together) is the problem - it's ineffective. I don't want her to hold back - I want her to decide *with* us.
I certainly have trouble really seeing things well from her side, I am like you and Mark, I'd like a heads up from my life partner(s) about what is going on in their life, and that includes if they are actively ready to seek new partners if they hadn't suggested that they were interested in doing so. (Which is not the same as a surprise "OMG I met a person and unexpectedly liked them!")

This is something close to me, as my husband was poly for over 20 years when I met him (and a bachelor at 40, so used to living and acting as if he had nobody to answer to) and I was poly for less than 6 months after 12 years of a monogamous marriage when we met, so very used to running stuff by a second party. Still after 7 years we clash about his confusion and his hesitance to "answer to" somebody after so many years of just conducting his affairs as he saw fit. I certainly don't feel at all that this means I'm too sensitive for poly, I just like to minimize unexpected shit in my life, so I ask for things to be done in a way that keeps surprises to a minimum.

I think for me if my husband took the attitude your partner does, I wouldn't have stayed with him, I want to be a best friend to my partners, and that means I want to know where they are at mentally, and romantically, and that they share what they are noodling at in their mind with me. Finding things out after the fact for me just leaves me feeling adrift on the ocean without a paddle.

I'd feel guilty too, if he was constantly feeling he was"holding himself back" so personally I would've walked away because I don't need that guilt, just like I don't want him to be untrue to how he wants to live. It just isn't compatible with my comfort levels, so his willingness to meet me at least halfway is important.

Ergo, I don't have any answers or advice, just giving my perspective about my thoughts about how I'd feel in a similar situation.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 07-02-2012, 07:46 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,956
Default

Quote:
So end of rambling... I think my epiphany is... she says that she considers us all the time, by holding herself back from doing certain things, when she would have jumped on them if she was single. But maybe the way that she considers us (i.e. denying herself rather than us coming up with a plan together) is the problem - it's ineffective. I don't want her to hold back - I want her to decide *with* us.
Yep.

You are responsible for knowing and stating your wants, needs, and limits.
  • You need her to consult with you BEFORE not after.
  • You need to be a part of the process.

This is perfectly reasonable -- you are not saying NO to her need to date. You are saying HOW your needs for comfort and security have to happen then you can honor her need to date. Then it all can happen in a way so everyone's needs are on the table fairly.

Basically, you are trying to work it and play fair so all parties are heard and tended to. She's still giving me the impression that she's plunging on without real consideration of her people. I don't think there's much "considerate" in hooking up with someone the day she meets them or waiting a few days.

When I don't hear about it after? What diff does THAT make to the waves that rock my boat? Nothing. Tell me BEFORE so I can prepare. Is that so hard? Sheesh.

Whether you are mono or poly -- that is not being "too sensitive." That is holding up your end of the stick and trying to be in right relationship with your people.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-02-2012 at 07:56 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 07-05-2012, 02:38 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 350
Thumbs up

Just a little update!

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has helped me with this. You all seriously got me thinking and because of that, I'm in a much better place!

I've basically put my foot down. I've talked to her, shown her this thread and shown her that she is kind of acting like a little kid in a candy store - she thinks she's being supportive; but really all she's doing is making her own stress worse. And ours.

Seems she got burnt out on what she thought was nurturing, because her "single gal" behaviour was causing us too much stress.

She's starting to see that she could have avoided all this in the first place with one simple, considerate, talk before she started it all!

She's ready to sleep with a new person and actually *discussed* this with me rather than dictated it to me. She's also starting to listen to me and not treat me like a student of her poly knowledge. After being on this forum, my knowledge is actually greater, haha

So thank you, again, everyone! If she becomes more considerate and wonderful, I will be a happy girl. If she doesn't - I now know how to stand my ground.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 07-05-2012, 03:47 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,591
Default

You must be the gf mentioned in amberleaf's thread here:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25311

Am I right? Lots of good advice on both threads, and I am glad Laura is reading along!
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
frustration, guilt, poly, stress, triad

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:41 AM.