Sharing Details of Relationships/Sex

[Arrowbound]

It's a possibility that since nothing will happen due to boundaries in place, giving you updates about T is of no significance to Seamus. He might consider it a complete non-factor.

[GalaGirl]

Sharing Details of Relationships/Sex... Is this common in poly relationships?

NO. Just the fact that there's a lover (for sex health hygiene) is enough. Extra loverly details only if ok with ALL parties. Because the OSO has feelings of their own about privacy. You do not just assume they are ok with kiss and tell. If they are, then yay -- everyone gets extra titillation. But that is a bonus, not a RIGHT.

So I like someone who is Seamus's coworker. I realise I'm not going to date him, because of the coworker thing, but I do like him and Seamus knows. Sometimes, I feel hurt when he doesn't tell me things that relate to T, his coworker.

Seamus is not T's keeper and is not obligated to "feed" your crush. If you feel hurt that's just emotion. Let it blow through. Don't put your WANT to know crush news ahead of Seamus' NEED to have normal coworker life that's not weird. Don't put him in the middle of weird.

We did have a similar issue that he didn't tell me things about himself (like if he was going to be late while I was waiting for him) so I figure it's just his personality. Maybe I should learn to get used to it?

This is poor manners. Seamus could work on that, esp if he has a cel phone. Does he? If so, lame not to call.

GG

[Tonberry]

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

Seamus is not T's keeper and is not obligated to "feed" your crush. If you feel hurt that's just emotion. Let it blow through. Don't put your WANT to know crush news ahead of Seamus' NEED to have normal coworker life that's not weird. Don't put him in the middle of weird.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean. Seamus already knew that T was gone on vacation and wouldn't make it to the game. Telling me so (since we've been talking all day both yesterday and today) wasn't likely to make his coworker life any different. I'm not asking him to spy or learn things or anything, I just feel like he's hiding things from me.
As for feeding my crush, I actually feel like it's fed more when I have no news because then I obsess about him.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

This is poor manners. Seamus could work on that, esp if he has a cel phone. Does he? If so, lame not to call.

He can't really call because I'm in another country right now, but we had a discussion about it and he's been much better about sending me emails about it now. This way I know if I should stay up and wait for him to get home and on Skype, or if he'll be a while and it's probably better to go to bed.

[GalaGirl]

I guess I misunderstood -- was this a date planned with T to watch a game?

If T let Seamus know to pass the news on to the group that he's not coming because X -- then ya. Seamus ought to pass it on to the group.

But if there was no date planned, why does Seamus have to tell you all T's random comings and goings? It's not like it was a planned date to hang out together. (That's what I thought it was.)

And yes -- contact you in some form. (I thought he was local). If late for an online skype date, email asap to give the heads up. Not leave you hanging and losing sleep. Totally. If this happens a lot -- put the 20-30 min kill time on it. It's like in college -- prof not show 20 min into the class? Students can walk without taking attendance hit points. The students expect some kind of explanation at next class. No big. Things happen.

GG

[LovingRadiance]

No idea.

But, I do know that in our polydynamic-we have a rule that there is NO sharing of personal information without the permission of the person we're sharing ABOUT AND the person we're sharing too.

IE-I don't want technical details of the sexual intimacies between my husband and his girlfriend. Therefore, don't tell me.

AND/OR

I don't want him sharing personal details about OUR sexual intimacies with her. Therefore, don't tell her.

(and vice versa etc)

[Tonberry]

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

I guess I misunderstood -- was this a date planned with T to watch a game?

If T let Seamus know to pass the news on to the group that he's not coming because X -- then ya. Seamus ought to pass it on to the group.

It was actually to play a game, which we do once a week. I join them over skype although I can't participate much, but it's the only time I interact with his coworkers anymore (I used to see them a few times a week) so it's important to me because I'm isolated here.

What happened is that T went on vacation, and although some people knew, Seamus learned about it when T wasn't at work on Monday. We regularly play the game (which is on Tuesday nights) with one person missing, but in the past I'd always known ahead of time. Now I think T should have told the group, but when I learned suddenly my first thought was that Seamus is my eyes now that I'm away and lonely, and he didn't tell me anything.
I'm feeling over it now. When I first learned I was upset not to have been given a heads-up, as I felt I might not have joined the game and slept through it instead if I had known. But in retrospect I understand why he thought it wasn't a big deal. I guess one issue I had was that he always told me when other people couldn't make it, so it felt like the one person I cared about making it or not shouldn't be the one he doesn't even mention to me.

Oh well. We might talk about it more later, I think he might have today off since it's Independence Day.

[nycindie]

Hudson, the fact that your primary expects to have every detail shared between you is a bit strange. Any other partner of yours would find it somewhat disturbing, I think. It indicates a very couple-centric approach, as if the privacy concerns of the other people with whom you are involved simply don't matter. Basically, it's hogwash to have told you that "almost all poly couples share the intimate details of their secondary relationships with their primaries." What a wild assumption! There are no across-the-board privacy standards in poly -- it's up to the people involved. But I would think it leans the other way, toward respecting privacy, more often than not. And insisting on reading your texts and emails? Total invasion of privacy and not cool at all in my book.

Looks like it's time to establish your own personal boundaries for yourself and renegotiate on this one. Don't just go along with bullshit that makes you uncomfortable just because your partner says that's how poly is done. Oy!

There have been a few other threads on this topic. Have you done a search? You can always go to the Golden Nuggets forum here and start with "Master Thread - links to other threads worth reading." Here's a link to a post in that thread to get you started: Threads about privacy and sharing information among partners

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by Hudson

... Is this common in poly relationships?

I am curious because I am told that almost all poly couples share the intimate details of their secondary relationships with their primaries.

What is your experience?

Oh, hell, no! The details of discussions and the sex I have are nobody's business except for mine and the other person(s) involved. I won't get involved with anybody who has a partner who expects such, nor will I get/stay involved with anybody who would expect such.

I can say that no polyfolk with whom I'm acquainted expect such sharing.

The thought of it creeps me out.

[turtleHeart]

I guess this is different for everyone.

My wife and I make it clear to everyone we relate to that anything known to one of us can be known to both, meaning we can know all the details of our other relationships, but as we've gotten more used to dating other people we haven't felt as much of a need to hear every detail (it would be too time consuming), even though we still can. It's not something we do out of distrust, more that we simply like knowing what we're each experiencing.

We are very "couple-centric", and don't want that to change. There are things the two of us will only share with each other. Anyone that dates us needs to be ok with that. If someone just liked one of us and didn't really want to know the other, that would be the end of the new relationship. As a result, anyone we do end up dating tends to get along well with both of us and we all hang out together fairly often, including for holidays.

[LittleMissMuffit]

i have been wondering similar things.. my understanding is that my SO shares as much detail with his priomary as she wants (i don't think i ever really got a say in that) but when i ask about their intimate life i get very little.. it feels strange to me that it is only a one way street, and also that all of my tender bits are exposed. i am friendly with his primary however, and not at all jealous of their realtionship (maybe envious because of daily life, ect..) wondering how to go about bringing this subject up without it being a fight.