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  #101  
Old 07-04-2012, 01:18 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I guess I misunderstood -- was this a date planned with T to watch a game?

If T let Seamus know to pass the news on to the group that he's not coming because X -- then ya. Seamus ought to pass it on to the group.
It was actually to play a game, which we do once a week. I join them over skype although I can't participate much, but it's the only time I interact with his coworkers anymore (I used to see them a few times a week) so it's important to me because I'm isolated here.

What happened is that T went on vacation, and although some people knew, Seamus learned about it when T wasn't at work on Monday. We regularly play the game (which is on Tuesday nights) with one person missing, but in the past I'd always known ahead of time. Now I think T should have told the group, but when I learned suddenly my first thought was that Seamus is my eyes now that I'm away and lonely, and he didn't tell me anything.
I'm feeling over it now. When I first learned I was upset not to have been given a heads-up, as I felt I might not have joined the game and slept through it instead if I had known. But in retrospect I understand why he thought it wasn't a big deal. I guess one issue I had was that he always told me when other people couldn't make it, so it felt like the one person I cared about making it or not shouldn't be the one he doesn't even mention to me.

Oh well. We might talk about it more later, I think he might have today off since it's Independence Day.
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  #102  
Old 07-04-2012, 02:55 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hudson, the fact that your primary expects to have every detail shared between you is a bit strange. Any other partner of yours would find it somewhat disturbing, I think. It indicates a very couple-centric approach, as if the privacy concerns of the other people with whom you are involved simply don't matter. Basically, it's hogwash to have told you that "almost all poly couples share the intimate details of their secondary relationships with their primaries." What a wild assumption! There are no across-the-board privacy standards in poly -- it's up to the people involved. But I would think it leans the other way, toward respecting privacy, more often than not. And insisting on reading your texts and emails? Total invasion of privacy and not cool at all in my book.

Looks like it's time to establish your own personal boundaries for yourself and renegotiate on this one. Don't just go along with bullshit that makes you uncomfortable just because your partner says that's how poly is done. Oy!

There have been a few other threads on this topic. Have you done a search? You can always go to the Golden Nuggets forum here and start with "Master Thread - links to other threads worth reading." Here's a link to a post in that thread to get you started: Threads about privacy and sharing information among partners
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-04-2012 at 03:00 PM.
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  #103  
Old 07-04-2012, 05:52 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by Hudson View Post
... Is this common in poly relationships?

I am curious because I am told that almost all poly couples share the intimate details of their secondary relationships with their primaries.

What is your experience?
Oh, hell, no! The details of discussions and the sex I have are nobody's business except for mine and the other person(s) involved. I won't get involved with anybody who has a partner who expects such, nor will I get/stay involved with anybody who would expect such.

I can say that no polyfolk with whom I'm acquainted expect such sharing.

The thought of it creeps me out.
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  #104  
Old 07-05-2012, 04:26 AM
turtleHeart turtleHeart is offline
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I guess this is different for everyone.

My wife and I make it clear to everyone we relate to that anything known to one of us can be known to both, meaning we can know all the details of our other relationships, but as we've gotten more used to dating other people we haven't felt as much of a need to hear every detail (it would be too time consuming), even though we still can. It's not something we do out of distrust, more that we simply like knowing what we're each experiencing.

We are very "couple-centric", and don't want that to change. There are things the two of us will only share with each other. Anyone that dates us needs to be ok with that. If someone just liked one of us and didn't really want to know the other, that would be the end of the new relationship. As a result, anyone we do end up dating tends to get along well with both of us and we all hang out together fairly often, including for holidays.
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  #105  
Old 07-05-2012, 07:17 AM
LittleMissMuffit LittleMissMuffit is offline
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i have been wondering similar things.. my understanding is that my SO shares as much detail with his priomary as she wants (i don't think i ever really got a say in that) but when i ask about their intimate life i get very little.. it feels strange to me that it is only a one way street, and also that all of my tender bits are exposed. i am friendly with his primary however, and not at all jealous of their realtionship (maybe envious because of daily life, ect..) wondering how to go about bringing this subject up without it being a fight.
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  #106  
Old 07-05-2012, 02:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by turtleHeart View Post
I guess this is different for everyone.

My wife and I make it clear to everyone we relate to that anything known to one of us can be known to both, meaning we can know all the details of our other relationships, but as we've gotten more used to dating other people we haven't felt as much of a need to hear every detail (it would be too time consuming), even though we still can. It's not something we do out of distrust, more that we simply like knowing what we're each experiencing.

We are very "couple-centric", and don't want that to change. There are things the two of us will only share with each other. Anyone that dates us needs to be ok with that. If someone just liked one of us and didn't really want to know the other, that would be the end of the new relationship. As a result, anyone we do end up dating tends to get along well with both of us and we all hang out together fairly often, including for holidays.
But what you're writing about sounds a little different from:
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Originally Posted by Hudson View Post
. . . literally every text message, chat, phone call and interaction is what I'm being asked to divulge . . .
Turtleheart, are you and your wife sharing every single sexual detail, and all emails and texts with each other? It's one thing to share the whole gestalt of an experience with a partner; it's quite another to invade or abuse another partner's privacy in order to see and hear in black and white exactness every little thing that goes on. EVERY relationship deserves respect and its own special, private moments, it should never be all about the couple at the center of their universe, lording their primary status over anyone else with whom they are involved. As Hudson further wrote:
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Originally Posted by Hudson View Post
. . . a violation of the secondary relationship I was beginning. How can it be a relationship if there is nothing shared in confidence?
Exactly.

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Originally Posted by LittleMissMuffit View Post
i have been wondering similar things.. my understanding is that my SO shares as much detail with his priomary as she wants (i don't think i ever really got a say in that) . . .
And why didn't you get a say? See, single people need their own rules and boundaries, too. You have a voice and should always ask for what you want and say no to what makes you uncomfortable. It's your life, your relatiosnhips. You're not there solely to enhance or augment their "Holy Dyad" -- your relationships should be satisfying and fulfilling to you, and you get to ask for things on your terms, too. That is where negotiations and compromises begin. It should never be totally up to the already established couple to dictate to the "third." If that's their style, and they won't budge, you still have a choice - to accept it or walk away. But can you be happy with relationships built only upon someone else's terms and without anything on your terms?
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  #107  
Old 07-05-2012, 05:39 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
EVERY relationship deserves respect and its own special, private moments, it should never be all about the couple at the center of their universe, lording their primary status over anyone else with whom they are involved.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. Once upon a time in the beginning I really did wanna know everything, and then there were things I found out I wasn't comfortable with, so I just stemmed that particular flow. My compersion and comfort I've found is borne of knowing about my metamour outside of my SO, talking to her, getting to know her in my own context basically. I can't imagine giving him so much detail there's nothing left for myself, or my OSO.
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  #108  
Old 07-05-2012, 08:32 PM
Fiona Fiona is offline
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Absolutely not. I don't like or subscribe to the terminology of primary/secondary; while my relationships may be very different (I have a child with and live with my husband, things I will never do with my partner) I don't feel that one is more important than the other, or deserves to know more, or anything of that nature. I do not tell my husband intimate details about me and my partner, any more than I want to hear those details about him and his girlfriend. It's the way it works for us.
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  #109  
Old 07-05-2012, 08:43 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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It's interesting reading everyone's responses.

It's very important to me, that any new lovers KNOW all of us-and get along with all of us (I say all because there are three of us who are a forever family with 2 kids still at home already).
But, they needn't be "best friends" with all of us, just get along and respect all of us.

That said,
each of us-including any potential new lovers-are individuals with our own personal preferences, interests, insecurities, fears etc.
We should each individually have a right to share with our lover our fears, insecurities, interests, curiosities etc without fear that they are going to then be shared with others we may not yet be so comfortable with.

This came up very personally for us this winter. I am generally a VERY open person. There aren't a lot of 'secrets' in my life.
However, Maca (my husband) began seeing another woman and we had to address the topic of sharing details-because he moves SO MUCH FASTER in intimacy and trust then I do.
I didn't know this person or feel comfortable with her knowing about my BDSM proclivities, insecurities (unrelated to her or them), fears, medical issues (not things that would affect them).
HE felt like he could trust her.
But that was THEIR relationship. I did not.

She was a bit miffed over my "slowness" in accepting FOR MYSELF the same level of social intimacy as they had created together.

But, here we are in July-and their relationship has ended.
Which is PRECISELY why I didn't feel comfortable.
Until I am certain someone is sticking around for a significant portion of time, I'm not interested in disclosing (or having disclosed about me) certain aspects of myself that I share with trusted close loved ones.
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  #110  
Old 07-05-2012, 09:23 PM
Fiona Fiona is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post

She was a bit miffed over my "slowness" in accepting FOR MYSELF the same level of social intimacy as they had created together.

But, here we are in July-and their relationship has ended.
Which is PRECISELY why I didn't feel comfortable.
Until I am certain someone is sticking around for a significant portion of time, I'm not interested in disclosing (or having disclosed about me) certain aspects of myself that I share with trusted close loved ones.
LovingRadiance, I'm about at this place with my husband's girlfriend. They're both extroverts and don't seem to understand my need for privacy and a bit of distance. I've tried to communicate this to both of them, with mixed results. At first, she was overly involved in my life and wanted us to be close very quickly; I'm simply not comfortable with this and said so. Now, after a few incidents in which I felt she was being pushy and rude, she has been extremely distant and communication, never good to begin with, has suffered because of it. My last straw was her talking to MY partner (not my husband) and telling him that I had said/done things that I hadn't (i.e. Fiona said this is a rule and I can't do it - which is ridiculous, my husband and I don't conduct our relationship that way.) My partner was puzzled and uncomfortable by her behavior; I'm at a total loss as to what to do (or not do) and am pretty angry and frustrated about this.
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