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Old 12-02-2009, 10:56 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

I haven't had a chance to read all this as I have just had a job evaluation and other stressful things have occurred but I have a story to relay that points out to me what I have been feeling in all this. I have no idea if it fits here, but I gotta get it out as I finally have some way of explaining how I feel.
First and foremost RP-feel free to vent in my threads-I read them all the time and if they don't stay on track-but they end up being useful that is GOOD for me.

So recently someone asked me if I was taking my daughter to an event that day. I said no, she is not my daughter actually and she my client with a developmental disability/delay. The woman looked confused and continued to keep talking about retarded people. I continued talking with her, modeling all the while the appropriate words to use to replace "retarded..." that to me was the respectful way to do it considering she was learning, an older woman (say 75) and felt comfortable enough to talk to us.
Great example of productive sharing of information. Unfortunate that it took to 75 for her. But great that you were able to stay patient and understanding and set an example in order to hopefully educate her!
SO much the point I was trying to make.

I have felt in the past that people have respected my process and given me an open door to talk and ask questions when they have empathized with the fact that I am new to something. I have felt respected when I am met where I am at. I was considering this when talking with this woman. I was making my point, but not standing up in the bus and telling her what she said was wrong in front of the whole population of the bus.
Exactly-if we have to defend ourselves-we generally stop "actively listening" and then all chance of progress is lost.

On these forums I feel sometimes that we forget that we are a group that is on display. I also find that sometimes people take a road rage approach to speaking, as if we are not real people. I consider that when I am spoken to that way and take things with a grain of salt.
True-but the problem with this is that we ARE all real people and we all deserve to be treated as such. Where better to practice that then in the "safety" of anonymity. Better to practice a known productive type of communication then to continue wasting time with communication practices that are already proven to be ineffective. Yes?

If we were all sitting on a bus, as in my story, we would talk to each other differently I would hope.
One can only hope!

We would see body language, would notice if someone was being triggered or having emotions, and we would certainly stand up for values and beliefs we believe in... we are not though and I, for one, need to remember that. I need to ask if someone meant to say something the way they did, ask if it is okay to start a thread on what someone just said because it spoke to me of a bigger issue and communicate from a place of being interested to know what is going on for someone rather than a place of needing to get my point across.
It does make a huge difference to ask, clarify and THEN state one's own thought. It takes longer-but it works. Interesting-it's also listed, item by item in the communication thread...

have found that I eventually create change in people by asking questions, and using the language and value system I hold so dear. Not by showing them up in front of their friends when they are most vulnerable in their "toilet paper on the foot" situation.
Exactly my point RP. Exactly my point. In safety we can open up the little can's of worms we all have inside. We can share our pain, our fears, our inadequacies and we can heal, learn and grow. But if we are under attack-we don't have time to do that-we're too busy putting our time into self-preservation. One reason abused children often have issues in school. When you are trying not to get the hell beat out of you-homework becomes VERY unimportant..

I would think that if someone say ME, with toilet paper on my shoe they would come over, pull me aside and ask, did you mean to keep that toilet paper on your shoe? Just thought you should know it was there.

Giggle. Sorry-but such a cute picture. Yes-it's a kindness-I think you were actually talking about something in you parenting classes about that a few weeks ago... seriously. I remember reading it.
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