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  #1  
Old 07-03-2012, 07:40 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
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I'm pretty torn up today.

I'm a very independent woman, in my 30s. I've always been interested in the subject of polyamory, however, for the most part of my life I've been monogamous - or try to be anyway. I do have polyamorous tendencies, which has led me to believe I am indeed polyamorous.

However, the issue I am dealing with today is where do I become a hypocrite and where do I draw the line? I understand that we get to set our own rules, but if we are torn and lost ourselves, how do we even begin to go about doing that?

I am seeing a man who admits to being polyamorous. He is dating another woman, who apparently is also aware of my existence in his life. I LOVE how I feel when I am with him. He doesn't complete me (I don't believe in another person completing you) but he sure does enhance my life. I haven't felt this happy in a very long time.

This July 4, he has gone out of town with the other woman (whom I have never met) and I am torn because I feel jealous of the time she is spending with him. And how, since he left, he hasn't made the extra effort of reaching out to me even through text. A simple "Hi" or "I'm thinking of you" would be nice... but none of that has come up on my Android.

I've decided to accept a couple of date offers, but half-heartedly so. Part of me thinks I shouldn't. But part of me says go ahead: DATE. After all, he is with her having fun, spending quality time, enjoying each other... why shouldn't I do the same with another? He wouldn't mind. At least that is what he tells me.

Jealousy is a hard pill to swallow. I try to talk myself out of feeling non-special. But when I dont' hear from him, it isn't hard to feel like I don't exist.

I am envious of the time they are spending. I feel excluded. Would I possibly want to meet her? Yes. Am I ready? I don't know.

Before he left, we had an argument. About this whole scenario. He felt that I was delving into polyamory because of my affections for him. In reality, I have been researching the topic years before we met.

How do I deal with the situation when he obviously is also still learning about the subject, particularly juggling two women at the same time? Thing is, does it get better? Could he really just be a young guy trying to have his cake and eat it too? Is the whole polyamory thing just an excuse? Is this common?

I realize the whole polyamory thing encourages that people feel loved not just at a certain time but if possible, most if not all of the time. Then why do I feel so empty that he's away? I feel forgotten.

Any input/advice will be appreciated.
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Old 07-03-2012, 08:20 PM
polypenguin polypenguin is offline
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I have two things to say on the subject, neither of which are immidiate feel good things:

first, consider how you would feel if he were to be with you and texting to her all the time. A simple hello is the means to start a conversation. This brings me to my second opinion, tell him how you feel. Conversate, talk these things out. Tell him you'd like to know you're still a part of his world when he's not around.

if all you need is a "hello, how are you my love?" LET HIM KNOW. Most of the time, merely asking for what you want will be rewarded.
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  #3  
Old 07-03-2012, 08:22 PM
butterflywaterfall butterflywaterfall is offline
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I'm right there with you. When my guy is with his other gf, I don't hear from him much at all. She is fully aware of me and they are both poly. when he's with me though, he isn't texting her or talking to her on the phone. I appreciate that. When he's with each of us, we're getting his full attention. I think I'd be upset if he was always texting or calling her when he's with me and I doubt she'd be thrilled if he was contacting me a bunch. I think he's at least trying to be respectful of each relationship, but I do still feel jealous and a little lonely when he doesn't get in touch with me.
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Old 07-03-2012, 09:08 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
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Thank you for the responses.

I realize he probably doesn't want to make her feel like he's not there for her 100% when he is away on a weekend with her. But then doesn't this mean that being in a polyamorous relationship involve feelings of loneliness when the other person decides to go 'ghost' on you? Does this mean his encouragement to date other guys is what my solution could be for when he is away?

I'm still learning.
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  #5  
Old 07-04-2012, 07:00 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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We have an agreement, that when we're on a date, only IMPORTANT interruptions (issues with kids or emergency) are allowed.

I have a personal rule, that bf and husband accept, that I do not text/call if I'm on a date.
THAT SAID-if I'm "out of town" that's not a date, that's a vacation, even if it's a couple trip.

So, if our time together will mean more than a few hours away, we have an understanding of "text/call" time for our other partner before bed and other specified times of the day that are non-disruptive to our romantic time.

My contact IS less when I'm out like that, but it's not GONE.

I'd say that it's VERY important to differentiate between your feeling jealous of HER-versus your hurt over not continuing to be treated as meaningful to HIM.

I.E. if you need him to text you once or twice a day when he's out of town-that's not about her. That woudl be true even if he were on a business trip.

Versus

you want him to text you BECAUSE he's with her and you are jealous.



One is an issue you need to work on in yourself. The other is simply a matter of identifying your needs and laying them out so that they can be met.
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  #6  
Old 07-04-2012, 06:36 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I'm the hinge of a vee, with two men who are very good friends. I was with FBF for about two years, broke up with him, started dating CBF, have been with him for about 7 years now. Last December, FBF and I found out we still wanted to be together, and CBF was all for it. [<- reader's digest condensed version]

FBF is intensely introverted, and private, and loves to be alone most of the time. CBF is very likely ADHD. He rarely remembers when I tell him that I'm going to see FBF) who is moderately long distance. So he often calls. FBF takes this with quite a bit of grace. When I went to Vegas with FBF, we had a phone call where we both talked with CBF, directly and from the background. It was a long, cheerful call; reminding of times when we've all hung out together in the past. Three of us have not been together since we've started this poly vee thing.

When I'm with one, I almost always think of the other. A lot because I'm in love with both of them; and a lot because I'm so happy they are both okay with this. (or they seem to be...)

Recently I had the first time I was with CBF, at his mom's for dinner, and FBF called. (Mom knows the whole history, but not about the vee)(I'm fairly certain she doesn't) It was a little nerve-wracking for me, but nobody seemed to notice or care, and nobody has had any trouble about it since.

I relate to your challenge in feeling forgotten, daily. Mostly, I try to distract myself with my life. I try to remember they wouldn't be with me if they didn't want to (these men don't do much that they don't want to).
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Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #7  
Old 07-04-2012, 07:15 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Torn...

Hi and welcome ....interesting name choice ...

How long have you been in this relationship? Is this the first holiday or special getaway ?

Have you and he done similar getaways?
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  #8  
Old 07-05-2012, 01:46 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I realize the whole polyamory thing encourages that people feel loved not just at a certain time but if possible, most if not all of the time. Then why do I feel so empty that he's away? I feel forgotten.
Because you have a need, when he is away on vacation with the OSO, to have at least a check in. And you don't sound like before he left you laid that expectation out.

You have the responsibility to state your wants, needs, and limits.

Now maybe since this is the first vacaton thingie (is it?) you didn't even KNOW you needed this. So now you do. And when he comes back you sort that out so the next time there's a vacation thingie, you get your check in before bedtime. (or whatever other time.)

Is words of affirmation one of your love languages? Does he know that then, if it is?

In the meanwhile, he's on vacation. What's sitting around moping do for you? Take yourself out of yourself. Do the hobbies you like, see your friends, have some dates. You don't have to put your own life on "pause" waiting for him to wander back in so you can hit the "play" button again.

Tend to yourself.
GG
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  #9  
Old 07-05-2012, 07:30 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polypenguin View Post
first, consider how you would feel if he were to be with you and texting to her all the time..
I have considered this. Many times. If he has been texting her while he has been around me I can't say I have noticed, but I'm pretty sure he has. He also made arrangements to have him and her picked up by a friend for a date while he was out with me; and at that time I made it clear to him that I felt that it was rude of him to have done that. He has explained that he didn't think it was rude, more like him having issues juggling his time between his two women.

I have told him how I felt, but I think I just frustrate him. And once I start feeling as if I am a cause of 'drama', I am scared I will start to detach.
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  #10  
Old 07-05-2012, 07:32 PM
TornHeart TornHeart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by butterflywaterfall View Post
I'm right there with you. When my guy is with his other gf, I don't hear from him much at all. She is fully aware of me and they are both poly. when he's with me though, he isn't texting her or talking to her on the phone. I appreciate that. When he's with each of us, we're getting his full attention. I think I'd be upset if he was always texting or calling her when he's with me and I doubt she'd be thrilled if he was contacting me a bunch. I think he's at least trying to be respectful of each relationship, but I do still feel jealous and a little lonely when he doesn't get in touch with me.

I am glad to 'meet' someone who seems to be in the same boat as I am. How do you deal with this? How long have you been in this relationship?
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