Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 07-04-2012, 03:22 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,502
Default

OK, others have covered sex, intimacy, scheduling dates, tiring toddlers.

I want to address the BDSM aspect. I think it might be key. You say your wife is a Domme, and that you 2 have been together 15 years, but you don't enjoy subbing.

Has she always been into D/s and yet put that aside to be mono with you? If so, she must be feeling desperate to play that way! Are you also a Dom, or strictly vanilla? Has adult playtime with you become stale?

How does she feel about being a mom, does she find it overwhelming? Does she just want to get away... have her "me time" with the new sub no matter what, and forget about child, husband, and her other domestic partner? Or can she respectfully negotiate to share time with all 4 of you (husband, gf, child, new guy)?

Poly isn't about just going and scratching your itch with anyone any time you want. It's about LOVE. And love means respect and caring for everyone's feelings and needs.

...I'd love it if she were to come here and tell her side. I suspect she might paint a different picture...

Personally, I wouldn't do poly with a young child or 3 in the house. Kids take so much time and energy, I could barely get it up for my husband, much less spread it around to any others, back when my kids were young. Mine didn't sleep thru the night reliably til about age 5 though... Since I had 3 kids in 5 years, the sex life with hubs was pretty slow until the youngest hit age 5. (That's 15 yrs of little sex, if you do the math!) I was just too tired and distracted. NYCindie recommends a set in stone weekly date, but we had a hard time finding a sitter to watch the kids, and didn't live near family to get them to do it. I didnt like leaving young toddlers with a teen sitter for bedtime, it threw the kids all off. But yeah, you've got a live-in sitter, I don't know why your wife won't take advantage of that!
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 07-04-2012, 03:47 PM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: London
Posts: 94
Default

Speaking for myself, I can never have enough sex. Maybe I have lot's of energy, but I'm never too tired.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amberleaf View Post
Do you have a set amount of times a week, in general, you see secondary partners?
Yes, our week goes like this.

Week 1.

Monday.......Nathan (My primary)
Tuesday......Scott (Overnight stay)
Wednesday....Nathan
Thursday.....Scott (I go home to Nathan at 10.30P.M)
Friday.......Nathan
Saturday.....Nathan
1st & 3rd Sunday...Nathan 2nd & 4th...Scott (Overnight stay)

On my Sundays with Scott, I spend the whole day with him, and also bring my Son. We drop him off at Scotts house, and his wife looks after him, and Nathan will pick him up at about 8pm. Scott and I will then spend the night together.

So far it has worked very well, although Scott wants us to meet up on a less regimented basis. What he means by this is, that he wants to keep our arrangement as it is, but also see more of me. He wants to be able to come to our house, and for me to go to his also, when we get the urge. I dont think that this will happen.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amberleaf View Post
If your primary partners are feeling neglected, do you skip a week with your secondary?
I try my hardest to make sure that Nathan never feels neglected, and he has never said that he does. If he was to tell me that he was unhappy with something, I would stop, as he is the most important person in my life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amberleaf View Post
Do you have less sex with your primary than your secondary, and if so, does that work ok for you?
Probably more with my secondary. Nathan and I will have sex everyday when I'm not due to be with Scott, so that's Mon, Wed, Fri, Sat and every second Sunday. I spend a lot less time with Scott, but spend more of that time having sex. So yeah, probably more with Scott I guess. It works well, I get to have the affectionate loving sex that I have with Nathan, and the more orgasmic sex that Scott gives me. It's great.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amberleaf View Post
Do you think it's acceptable for my wife to actively set time aside to go on dates/have sex with a play partner on a weekly basis, if she is not making time to have dates with us? Like I say, at current, her and I hardly do anything together without our daughter. When my wife goes out, I look after our daughter
Most of the things Nathan and I do together tend to include my Son. We are a family unit and the three of us enjoy this very much. Nathan and I do set time aside to go out by ourselves though, and I love spending time with him, more so than with my secondary. If your wife is not setting aside time for you and your child, I dont think that's fair on the two of you. She needs to find a balance. Nathan and I have worked hard on this, it's not easy sometimes as there is not enough hours in the day. I am also spending time during the day with Scotts wife, and also the four of us get together. Everyone wants it to work, and it does.

Good luck to you and your wife.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 07-04-2012, 03:49 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,854
Default

Quote:
dingedheart writes:

The problem I had when I was in that situation was ...a) having to mention it... b) the forced dates....or obligatory dates....ok I'm here what do you want to do ... Wait hold that thought I just got a text....reading reading ..giggle giggle...ok what were you saying.
Dinged is correct.

I think scheduled time with spouse is critical. But if the person is not going to be fully PRESENT and share time together in that block, then it is just lip service to the rship. It's fresh to be checking email/phone during a date.

OSOs respect the date time and do not call or text in that time block shy of it being "OMG, in ambulance going to hospital! My leg got chopped off!" level emergencies. Because you'd do same when it's their date time.

There's a basic level of respect and I'm not reading you get that here from wife right now. Is she just caught up in NRE with the new sub? How young is the toddler? 1? 2? Is postpartum depression a possibility? Her "running away from home" being "running away from being mom" and the demands of kids? Is she checking out of her relationships (you and the GF) but not in a hurry about it because then she's got people on the homestead dealing with the kid, income flow, etc?

Because if the person is on the checking out ride, let's just face it head on and not string people along. That's just not honorable.

What the heck is going on here?

Basically got to get together and have the talk. And if she's not wanting to talk... that's telling you something serious.

GG
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 07-04-2012, 04:12 PM
amberleaf amberleaf is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3
Default

Thank you for all the replies so far.

I definitely agree that there are two sides to every story. So I'll try to offer a little of hers.

She had a wild time in her twenties. Slept with about 60 people, friends of boyfriends, boyfriends of friends, was a little self-destructive. She'd been in to BDSM and had a couple of sub boys.

We married and were vanilla and monogamous. I didn't know anything about her BDSM until years into the marriage.

We went through financial difficulties and yes - she experience post-p depression after the birth of our daughter, who is now 3.

When we first became poly two years ago, she went wild. She didn't have sex with anyone, but did the typical things like lots of online partners who she spent all day and night with, an escape from the home life, and kissing random guys in front of me when we went out.

Her GF came along and was a good, calming influence. Her GF seems to teach her that there is a balance between being free and being a considerate poly person.

She definitely has BDSM needs that neither of us can fill. Her GF switches from time to time to help her out. They always have kinky sex, even when neither takes control. My wife won't switch for her. I'm still figuring out what I am.

I have overheard my wife tell her GF that she is the best lover she's ever had. They seem to have amazing sex. However, my wife struggled to come to terms with being bisexual and this sometimes effects their sex life.

It's definitely true that my wife is wanting to break away from the, as she calls it, 11 years of oppressive marriage. I have OCD and have smothered her in the past. I'm in therapy and have made a lot of progress.

She definitely needs to go out, get away from the house, our child, our marriage and feed her BDSM needs. I am no saint - I can be difficult to live with.

Maybe the answer is staring me right in the face. I know her GF feels that my wife might just need BDSM sex, full stop, more. I think that our sex is stale and unfulfilling for my wife and sex between GF and wife is amazing, but wife generally prefers men, craves hetero BDSM sex more. The way she put it was "If there were two people in front of me that I loved, we both had amazing, kinky sex, I'd pick the male one."

Since my wife is only just embarking on having a fully sexual BDSM relationship, none of us know how it's going to pan out.

Her GF says that she wants her to be happy and if it ends up being the case that wife really only wants D/s sex, with a guy, then she will have to accept that reality and see where that leaves us.

Her GF has no problem finding other women, but still wants the majority of her time and sexual encounters to be with my wife.

I don't want to force a square peg into a round hole. But I did want some ideas (which you have all given) as to what is fair for me to ask for and what I might be able to expect.

It seems like the general consensus is that it's more about quality time than sex. So if she dates sub boy once a week, myself and her GF should have equal time. If there's not enough time for three dates a week, she should cut down on sub boy time. Sitting at home watching TV is not quality time.

I'm going to show her this thread, and any replies that come after this. My guess is that she'll still think that it's ok for her to see sub boy once a week, even if we only have dates twice a week. She'll say that because we live together, we get to see each other all the time. Let's see....
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 07-04-2012, 04:57 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,118
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by amberleaf View Post
Sitting at home watching TV is not quality time.
Well, it can be quality, but it certainly is NOT romantic sexy time (unless you're fucking on the couch with the TV on as background).

Quote:
. . . She'll say that because we live together, we get to see each other all the time.
Yeah, well, that's a crappy defense. Folding the laundry together doesn't count as sexy date time either (unless you get her up on top of the washing machine and...).

My point is any time spent together can be quality time if both people make an effort, but it sounds like she's not into making effort for anyone but herself. Poly goes haywire when someone is just thinking all me-me-me and not putting enough energy into making sure their relationships work for ALL their partners.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 07-04-2012, 05:16 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,269
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by amberleaf View Post

Since my wife is only just embarking on having a fully sexual BDSM relationship, none of us know how it's going to pan Let's see....
Unfortunately I do ....


Again ...why not find a more willing partner for yourself?
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 07-04-2012, 05:23 PM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: London
Posts: 94
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Well, it can be quality, but it certainly is NOT romantic sexy time (unless you're fucking on the couch with the TV on as background).
Well it depends, Nathan and I spend a lot of time cuddling in front of the T.V, or reading together. This will often lead to sex, but not always. I love that side of our relationship, it is romantic and affectionate and loving, it doesn't always have to be about sex. It's not something I have with my secondary, or any other man I've been with. It's something that I really love sharing with Nathan, I think it means a lot.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 07-04-2012, 05:27 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,369
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Since I had 3 kids in 5 years, the sex life with hubs was pretty slow until the youngest hit age 5. (That's 15 yrs of little sex, if you do the math!)
Sorry to nitpick about that, but... If you had three kids in 5 years and it was slow until the youngest hit age 5, surely that would "only" mean 10 years from the birth of the first one to the third one turning five.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 07-04-2012, 09:50 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,502
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
Sorry to nitpick about that, but... If you had three kids in 5 years and it was slow until the youngest hit age 5, surely that would "only" mean 10 years from the birth of the first one to the third one turning five.
Oops! You're right! I guess it just seemed longer. heh Anyway, once my youngest turned about 4 1/2 my sex drive came raging back. Not just for my husband, but everyone. Seeing cute people on the street did nothing for me while my kids were young, but then all of a sudden, wow.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 07-04-2012, 10:01 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,502
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by amberleaf View Post

We married and were vanilla and monogamous. I didn't know anything about her BDSM until years into the marriage.
Ohhh, that is unfortunate! Now, here you are, with shared finances, home and child, and suddenly you find out your sexual/sensual drives don't match up. Eek! I feel bad for both of you.

Quote:
We went through financial difficulties and yes - she experience post-p depression after the birth of our daughter, who is now 3.
Has that abated now?

Quote:
When we first became poly two years ago, she went wild. She didn't have sex with anyone, but did the typical things like lots of online partners who she spent all day and night with, an escape from the home life, and kissing random guys in front of me when we went out.
Hmm, that doesn't sound like polyAMORY, but just kid in a candy store. They can overlap, but... how did you feel about her kissing these random guys?

Quote:
Her GF came along and was a good, calming influence. Her GF seems to teach her that there is a balance between being free and being a considerate poly person.

She definitely has BDSM needs that neither of us can fill. Her GF switches from time to time to help her out. They always have kinky sex, even when neither takes control. My wife won't switch for her. I'm still figuring out what I am.
You do have a learning curve in front of you, if you want to keep her and have her interested in sex with you, feel fulfilled and satisfied. It might mean a time of letting her explore her kinky side. However many kinksters can fully enjoy "vanilla" sex. (I like both, as long as it's intense creative vanilla, not just 10 mins of missionary wham bam thank you ma'am.)


Quote:
It's definitely true that my wife is wanting to break away from the, as she calls it, 11 years of oppressive marriage. I have OCD and have smothered her in the past. I'm in therapy and have made a lot of progress.

She definitely needs to go out, get away from the house, our child, our marriage and feed her BDSM needs. I am no saint - I can be difficult to live with.
OK, good for you for being self aware and getting help with your medical condition. You probably had a high need for reassurance, a temper, and perhaps a suspicious jealous nature? No wonder she's seeking other partners. Do you feel she still wants to be with you for loving reasons, or just as a babysitter so she can go out and cat around?

Quote:
I know her GF feels that my wife might just need BDSM sex, full stop, more. I think that our sex is stale and unfulfilling for my wife...
This needs work.

Quote:
It seems like the general consensus is that it's more about quality time than sex. So if she dates sub boy once a week, myself and her GF should have equal time. If there's not enough time for three dates a week, she should cut down on sub boy time.
Well... if you're boring and oppressive, demanding more time with her might be fruitless. You 2 need to find healthier sexier ways to relate. I hope you can!
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32

Last edited by Magdlyn; 07-04-2012 at 10:05 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:49 AM.