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Old 07-04-2012, 04:31 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,330

I am sorry you are hurting. *hug*

But I don't think you have lost your friend. I think you might be putting cart before horse there because you are awash in great emotion right now.

So you are poly wired and she's monowired. Agree to disagree. No biggie.

And this is your best friend in a Huffy. She drop you on skype? So? Don't you have email, phone, write her a hand written note and snail mail? Know her parents? C'mon. You can find a way to get a message in a bottle to her.

Apologize for your part in the Huffy Making and see if you can make amends. Say you are sorry, and set ego aside. Sometimes being friends is more important than being "right."

I hear that you wanted to express the pain of living as a poly in a non-poly-friendly world. I hear that you wanted to hear your best friend validate that you are hurting.

Next time maybe just state the need more clearly rather than going all huffy pants yourself.
"Look, I'm sorry for my part in the Huffy Making. I know I'm polywired and you are monowired and on that we just agree to disagree. That's cool. I can live with that.

But I am and was feeling sad and needed to vent at a safe person. I'm sorry my own emotion got the best of me and it came out all crazy in your direction. I was inappropriate and tried to make it be like debate. It was supposed to be just vent, and honestly I was scared to come out to you at poly. So maybe I was a little bit on the defensive and prickly from that fear and hearing attack when none was meant.

What I wanted was just to vent a bit and get a basic hug and a "I'm sorry you are sad" supportive thingie from my best friend. I was not clear about that want/need. If I could take it back and do it all again?

I would say it more clearly like this:
Please say and affirm to me 'Alright. You tell me you are poly. Well, I'm not wired for poly stuff and I do not get it. I do not support it. But just because I do not support THAT does not mean I do not support YOU. I am sorry you are so sad today. I love you as my friend. And as your friend, I am sorry you feel bad. You will be ok. Breathe. I am still here. I am still your friend.'
This is what I needed/hoped to hear my best friend say to me right now when I feel sad and ugh.

I hope we are indeed still good as friends. I am sorry it got nutty."

Then maybe things would have flowed a little better.

She would have understood her role to be that of "Active Listener" here rather than "Debater." I think that's where it went haywire. You wanted her to be Active Listener to a personal revelation and a vent and it went off into Debate Land. You got frustrated you weren't getting to vent and get the "you will be ok I am still your pal hug" and she got frustrated like you were pushing your beliefs on to her when she doesn't share that. Wires got crossed.

You have opportunity to untangle them now.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-04-2012 at 04:55 AM.
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Old 07-04-2012, 04:51 AM
PussNBoots PussNBoots is offline
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 20

Don't assume the friendship is over. I know it hurts to know you can't confide in your friend like you thought you could, but you need to understand that this is a difficult thing for a lot of people to wrap their heads around. I went through a similar ordeal with my best friend when I deconverted from Christianity and became an atheist. He was convinced that I was "willfully rejecting God" and nothing I could say to him would convince him that, no, I honestly didn't believe this "God" idea was real any more. He couldn't fathom that someone could honestly not believe in God. I must have some hidden sinful motive. (in his view) We will never be able to relate on the level we once did, and that was a painful process for me to go through, but we are still on speaking terms. He is still a friend of mine, though he is no longer my closest friend.

Also, it is entirely possible your friend might eventually be able to understand polyamory. It's not guaranteed, but some of my religious friends I knew from back then confided in me that they knew how I felt. That they had doubted/questioned the religion too. I think the principle carries over to this context.

If you want to continue conversations with her on this, I would highly recommend using the Socratic method with her. If she feels like a person can't commit to more than one person or love more than one person at a time, ask her why she feels that way. Try to uncover the reasons behind her strong feelings, without judging (easier said than done, I know!) For example, try asking her if she feels it is possible for a parent to love more than one child. If yes, then ask her if she thinks having more than one child will mean the parent will love the first child less. If she says one person is supposed to be your one true love and give you everything you've ever wanted, ask her if she's ever seen any married couple that always gave each other everything they ever wanted. If she talks about finding someone to spend your life with, ask her why she thinks a group of say, three people, couldn't decide they all wanted to spend their lives together. Couldn't they all be faithful to each other? Why is being faithful to one incompatible with being faithful to all? Ask her if she thinks being in love with one person means you should act cold and unloving toward everyone else. If not, why not? The trick is to uncover the reasons why she feels the way she does without it feeling like her own beliefs are under attack. If you do that she will just get defensive (like she did in the conversation you posted) and your conversations won't make any progress. I wish you the best of luck! I know how hard something like this can be.
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