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  #91  
Old 07-03-2012, 09:22 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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I'm a sharing person. I hate secrets and want both to be told and tell my experiences. My wife does not share this belief. She is willing to talk about stuff that's not intimate but anything sexual in nature she only tells me the minimum.

It drives me bonkers, to be honest, but everyone has a right to privacy and if that is what she wants then I have to respect it.
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Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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  #92  
Old 07-03-2012, 10:04 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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When I had other relationships, I would tell the basics (we had sex, there was oral, etc) but not the details (first we did it missionary, then switched to cowgirl, it was different than with you because xyz, it was kind of like when I'm with you because of abc, etc). I draw a line at facts unless both partners have previously agreed that they don't mind or like details being shared.

The first guy I dated after deciding to follow a poly path LOVED to hear about my sexual encounters, hubby and I started out swinging and he enjoys hearing about my sexual encounters. Both of them were fine with me sharing whatever kind of information or stories with the other, so boyfriend got stories about hubby and me and whoever else we were with, hubby got stories about how the stories I told boyfriend got him all hot and bothered. All were happy, no discomfort, I was fine with that.

The second guy I was dating had some issues picturing me in bed with others so all he knew was that I was having sex with hubby and one other guy at the time. He didn't want, need, or get details. Hubby and boyfriend did not get details about me with him (he and I didn't have intercourse, but there was some sexual contact so sexual histories were shared).

It all depends on the relationship(s) and the people involved how much can and should be shared.
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  #93  
Old 07-03-2012, 10:33 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I'm the kind who likes both talking about things and hearing about things. However, when Seamus started seeing his girlfriend for instance, and shared things with me, it was crucial that she was fine with that.
Similarly, I wouldn't want to share details about a partner to another without getting the okay from them.

I think your partner is being unrealistic. Some people care about their privacy, and don't want every details shared behind their backs with someone who isn't part of the relationship. I agree that it will be hard to find someone who agrees to these terms, even though I don't like to hide anything, if someone's partner demanded to know everything I would probably be scarred off by them, as it would sound to me like they are controlling, and I want freedom over my own relationships.
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  #94  
Old 07-03-2012, 11:19 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Both my partners are open books when it comes to sharing sexual details. I mean, I don't tell each one every detail about what I did with the other, but if we tried something extra adventurous and kinky, it's fun to share. And they both have terrific compersion. There is no jealousy.

However, I would never want to read any emails, or texts, or anything like that, that either one has with another lover or friend. Sometimes when I know Ginger and miss pixi have talked to each other (my lovers are friends), I will ask for a summary out of simple curiosity, ask like, "Did Ginger tell you about this thing he told me about?" but their friendship is their business!
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  #95  
Old 07-03-2012, 11:35 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I have a question that's kind of related, I thought I'd ask here rather than start another thread, I hope it's okay.

So I like someone who is Seamus's coworker. I realise I'm not going to date him, because of the coworker thing, but I do like him and Seamus knows.
Sometimes, I feel hurt when he doesn't tell me things that relate to T, his coworker. For instance, we meet and play games every so often. This week T was on vacation and wouldn't make it. Seamus didn't tell me about that, and when I asked why, he said he's not his keeper.
So now I don't know if I'm being unreasonable to be kept informed of stuff like this, or if he is being un-supportive, or something.

We did have a similar issue that he didn't tell me things about himself (like if he was going to be late while I was waiting for him) so I figure it's just his personality. Maybe I should learn to get used to it?

Anyways, how much detail do you think should be expected from a partner about someone you like, if they're close to them and you aren't?
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  #96  
Old 07-04-2012, 12:19 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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It's a possibility that since nothing will happen due to boundaries in place, giving you updates about T is of no significance to Seamus. He might consider it a complete non-factor.
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  #97  
Old 07-04-2012, 12:46 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Sharing Details of Relationships/Sex... Is this common in poly relationships?
NO. Just the fact that there's a lover (for sex health hygiene) is enough. Extra loverly details only if ok with ALL parties. Because the OSO has feelings of their own about privacy. You do not just assume they are ok with kiss and tell. If they are, then yay -- everyone gets extra titillation. But that is a bonus, not a RIGHT.

Quote:
So I like someone who is Seamus's coworker. I realise I'm not going to date him, because of the coworker thing, but I do like him and Seamus knows. Sometimes, I feel hurt when he doesn't tell me things that relate to T, his coworker.
Seamus is not T's keeper and is not obligated to "feed" your crush. If you feel hurt that's just emotion. Let it blow through. Don't put your WANT to know crush news ahead of Seamus' NEED to have normal coworker life that's not weird. Don't put him in the middle of weird.

Quote:
We did have a similar issue that he didn't tell me things about himself (like if he was going to be late while I was waiting for him) so I figure it's just his personality. Maybe I should learn to get used to it?
This is poor manners. Seamus could work on that, esp if he has a cel phone. Does he? If so, lame not to call.

GG
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  #98  
Old 07-04-2012, 12:54 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Seamus is not T's keeper and is not obligated to "feed" your crush. If you feel hurt that's just emotion. Let it blow through. Don't put your WANT to know crush news ahead of Seamus' NEED to have normal coworker life that's not weird. Don't put him in the middle of weird.
I'm not sure I understand what you mean. Seamus already knew that T was gone on vacation and wouldn't make it to the game. Telling me so (since we've been talking all day both yesterday and today) wasn't likely to make his coworker life any different. I'm not asking him to spy or learn things or anything, I just feel like he's hiding things from me.
As for feeding my crush, I actually feel like it's fed more when I have no news because then I obsess about him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
This is poor manners. Seamus could work on that, esp if he has a cel phone. Does he? If so, lame not to call.
He can't really call because I'm in another country right now, but we had a discussion about it and he's been much better about sending me emails about it now. This way I know if I should stay up and wait for him to get home and on Skype, or if he'll be a while and it's probably better to go to bed.
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  #99  
Old 07-04-2012, 01:40 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I guess I misunderstood -- was this a date planned with T to watch a game?

If T let Seamus know to pass the news on to the group that he's not coming because X -- then ya. Seamus ought to pass it on to the group.

But if there was no date planned, why does Seamus have to tell you all T's random comings and goings? It's not like it was a planned date to hang out together. (That's what I thought it was.)

And yes -- contact you in some form. (I thought he was local). If late for an online skype date, email asap to give the heads up. Not leave you hanging and losing sleep. Totally. If this happens a lot -- put the 20-30 min kill time on it. It's like in college -- prof not show 20 min into the class? Students can walk without taking attendance hit points. The students expect some kind of explanation at next class. No big. Things happen.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-04-2012 at 01:43 AM.
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  #100  
Old 07-04-2012, 06:47 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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No idea.

But, I do know that in our polydynamic-we have a rule that there is NO sharing of personal information without the permission of the person we're sharing ABOUT AND the person we're sharing too.

IE-I don't want technical details of the sexual intimacies between my husband and his girlfriend. Therefore, don't tell me.

AND/OR

I don't want him sharing personal details about OUR sexual intimacies with her. Therefore, don't tell her.

(and vice versa etc)
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