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  #11  
Old 06-28-2012, 11:30 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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He made a stiff drink and walked out the front door. He got completely shit-faced and by the time he returned he was smashed beyond words. He passed out on the couch and I sat on the floor beside him worrying.
It took a couple of years for things to mellow out.
In the interim, he made boundary lists with me, promptly broke boundaries, went for revenge a few times, moved out twice and returned.

Essentially, it broke his heart and he flipped psycho.
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  #12  
Old 06-29-2012, 01:42 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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My husband and I were just discussing this last night. He has said that he adamantly does not want to benefit from my boyfriend, in the sense that if C is visiting, he can't help me with projects or gardening or whatever around our house. My husband is also unwilling to befriend C. He also hates the idea that any increase in my sex drive might be due to C, even though he knows there is a correlation. (I have not felt so sexually free and excited and fulfilled since extramarital intimacy, even without full blown sex, became a possibility.)

I do feel like this whole poly journey has had a positive effect on my marriage, because it has forced us to move from a rather unemotional autopilot to closely examining what we mean to each other, how we want to love and be loved, and what we hope to gain from our marriage. My husband feels these things could have been discovered without the discomfort of bringing polyamory into it. I doubt it, since it's such an inherent part of my nature.

My husband feels he has lost a part of me, which just breaks my heart. I've pressed him for specifics about what he has lost, but he has a hard time explaining. I kind of think the part he has lost is me being monoamorous, but that part wasn't real. I feel like I've gained a part of me, and am more complete than ever.

In essence, I think the benefit to the mono partner might be a spouse who feels happier and more complete, has a better sex drive, and is more conscious and in tune to her/his spouse's needs, and a marriage that is more consciously, thoughtfully loving through forced introspection and communication. I just don't think a mono partner is necessarily going to see or acknowledge those benefits unless he/she wants to. I'm hoping it will come in time.
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  #13  
Old 06-29-2012, 02:12 AM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
He made a stiff drink and walked out the front door. He got completely shit-faced and by the time he returned he was smashed beyond words. He passed out on the couch and I sat on the floor beside him worrying.
It took a couple of years for things to mellow out.
In the interim, he made boundary lists with me, promptly broke boundaries, went for revenge a few times, moved out twice and returned.

Essentially, it broke his heart and he flipped psycho.
lol! Haha. Breaking hearts.
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  #14  
Old 06-29-2012, 03:20 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
In essence, I think the benefit to the mono partner might be a spouse who feels happier and more complete, has a better sex drive, and is more conscious and in tune to her/his spouse's needs, and a marriage that is more consciously, thoughtfully loving through forced introspection and communication. I just don't think a mono partner is necessarily going to see or acknowledge those benefits unless he/she wants to. I'm hoping it will come in time.
Well written!

But I dunno. Merely going poly doesn't mean this will happen automatically. There were times too in polyland where I felt pulled in all directions and not giving ANYONE my best.

I've actually been enjoying a deeper ORE with DH lately because we've both been more PRESENT to each other lately. And at this time we are closed. What changed was not a new lover acting like catalyst to put forth more effort in connection.

It came from putting more effort in connection!

Which has been hard in the last year given how I've been spreading my attention on to eldercare of aging parents. He gets that, and is ok with it. But in terms of energy, time management? That health stuff just brings a major DING to our home life!

I was major depleted and basically he was sucking up extra at home that I could not do because I was eldercaring. Which rendered him super depleted.

We deliberately sat down to work out needs and what could be let go and what MUST happen. The rest was greater satisfaction, then after some resting time, the reaping of rewards once mind, body, heart and souls felt topped up again and not so RUN DOWN.

I think both have it's ups and downs. Just being mono is no guarantee of greatness or benefits. Just being poly is no guarantee of greatness or benefits. But mono or poly... putting for some effort into the rship(s) does have potential for greatness/benefits.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-29-2012 at 03:23 AM.
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  #15  
Old 06-29-2012, 04:41 AM
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Kind of feeling like the odd one out, but I will share nevertheless. The immediate reaction of my husband were the basic questions (as I had already someone in mind when telling him about my 'poly-ness'): Do you love him more, Do you want to leave me, What do you want from him, Do you still love me ... The last one was: What should I make of all of this?! Which I couldn't answer anymore.

After some minutes of quick processing, he was so relieved that something like falling in love again hadn't ruined our marriage (cheating, affair) or my feelings towards him (despite having a new love interest I was still in love with him or at least was claiming to be at that point in time from his point of view), that we naturally reconnected via sex that evening.

After this immediate reaction he needed roughly three weeks to wrap his mind around the new situation and many talks with my friend to come to the conclusion, that we should merge our households and my friend moved in. That's it for the immediate reaction. Yes, he later had some rough nights and days, constantly thinking about the changes that were bound to come, but I guess he did reasonably well in not loosing his mind over this.

After the first insecurities were gone, and after everything had become more normal, we once talked about the benefits he could see in the presence of my friend in our lifes. He said, that he liked this way of living (three adult household), the shared responsibilities, how our dynamic evolved with another person in the mix, how he liked talking about me to him and to a certain extend, he liked the thought of another love being in my life (added some sexual tension and excitement for him) as well as it was a good feeling for him to witness me being true to myself, loving freely while never excluding him in the process.
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  #16  
Old 06-30-2012, 06:43 PM
Elpis Elpis is offline
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This is kind of hard to talk about. It's also my first post.

When my now-wife and I started seeing each other 15 years ago, she was seeing two other dudes, which didn't bother me. We're extremely compatible and I didn't feel at all threatened by the presence of other guys. She broke up with me for a while, which hurt a bit, but she came back after she broke up with her boyfriend. I like the guy, actually. We practice the same martial art and we get along well now, though there was a predictably awkward time for a while there.

But that's a long time ago now. We're married now. We specified in our Ketubah that we be able to satisfy our needs, that we were open to relationships with other people.

It turns out it's not true. Over the last few years of our relationship, I've brought it up, but she only grudgingly accepts our agreement and drags her heels to the point that no sane woman would ever want to get involved.

I appreciate that she's lucid in her feelings, that she's not faking it for the sake of the relationship or anything, but she's afraid of being outed to family and colleagues to the point that I'd have to keep any new relationship secret.

Complicating this matter is the fact that this heel-dragging has gone on so long now that it's butting up against the closing of our timeline to have a kid. I'm 39 and have said for years that I wanted to have a kid by the time I was 40. She dragged her heels similarly on this issue until I set a date and we could actually see it coming. We want to understand the configuration of our relationship before we have a child, though, and by dragging her heels, she's getting to set the pace of the entire relationship, determining not only that I can't have other relationships, but the age I'll be when my kid goes to college.

So, In general, she interacts with this area of my life like she does with others: she doesn't want things to change, scarcely realizing that her reluctance is forcing a very unpleasant change on us.
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Last edited by Elpis; 06-30-2012 at 07:03 PM.
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  #17  
Old 07-01-2012, 04:11 AM
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It's a tricky situation. For the mono party it's easy to see things in terms of quantity...you get more partners, more sex, they get less time, less attention. What they're missing out on though is the quality. Because you are able to express yourself freely and are not confined, or as confined the quality of the time you spend with your primary is (hopefully) better. Yes, your heart is more open to other people, but it is also more open to your primary partner and love is not a finite resource, even if time is.

The other side of that is polyamory is a part of you and so if you are living a poly lifestyle and your partner still chooses you then you both know that he is choosing the real, honest version of you.

When my previous partner found out he tried to be open to it at first. I think he was fine with the idea in theory and before we were together he usually had several partners at once, though he never identified as poly. However, he had a difficult time dealing with the physical reality of what that meant and as time wore on he instituted more and more rules about who I could and could not see and what I could and could not do with them. In hindsight I probably should have been firmer about what I was okay with.
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  #18  
Old 07-01-2012, 03:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I'm also curious what benefits there are for a mono husband having a wife dating others.
I'm Mono, and the benefits I see in my relationship are that my partner is happy (honestly, VERY happy to feel free to be who he is), and the biggest benefit is that I HAVE a relationship with him - that his love for his OSO doesn't mean that he's not with me.

However, when I start thinking of it in terms of "what benefits does Poly give me?" then I start putting together a mental Plus/Minus column of Poly. To me, there *are* far more minuses. I don't like the shared time. I don't like the idea that maybe the future of our relationship is "limited" somehow if the time with him isn't enough for me (I'm a HUGE "Quality Time" girl - and right now we're working on strategies to make it better for me when he's not here).

I had to reframe the question: What do I get out of my relationship with my partner? If I do the Plus/Minuses there, then "Poly" gets lumped in the minus column for me (sorry, folks - I do see some benefits, but I wouldn't do it again with anyone else). The focus remains on the relationship, and what we have together, and there are some very big plusses there.

Anyway, it took time for me to reframe my thinking. I still get a bit tweaked sometimes when his OSO and I go out with mutual friends and he says he's going to be lonely without us... Hello - I do that half-time, thanks. But again, if I reframe the thinking, it really means that he hasn't *had* that alone time and feels just as crappy as I did when I started. It'll take time.

And I'm just rambling on, now aren't I? Sheesh! Time to do chores and put the lunch dishes away. Best of luck.
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  #19  
Old 07-02-2012, 04:45 PM
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PhilosophicallyLost PhilosophicallyLost is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
What are the benefits for him that you disagree with?
My husband does see the benefit of making me happy by going along with this. He does not want to be poly himself, so he doesn't immediately benefit by being able to see other chicks. I feel that the situation helps us communicate better and more frequently, and our sexual activity has certainly improved. One of my biggest complaints before with our relationship was that he seemed to take me for granted, and now he doesn't. He takes the extra efforts now to impress me, which I personally thinks make the relationship a more meaningful one for both of us. Also one learns new things with new people and that can be used to spice up things for the primary relationship, but I don't think my husband likes that idea.

But, I realize there are some disadvantages as well. I just see poly as opening the doors for a more honest relationship, and I'm not sure that he sees it that way. But, at least he recognizes that I've been happier lately.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy
After the first insecurities were gone, and after everything had become more normal, we once talked about the benefits he could see in the presence of my friend in our lifes. He said, that he liked this way of living (three adult household), the shared responsibilities, how our dynamic evolved with another person in the mix, how he liked talking about me to him and to a certain extend, he liked the thought of another love being in my life (added some sexual tension and excitement for him) as well as it was a good feeling for him to witness me being true to myself, loving freely while never excluding him in the process.
This is a nice thing to see, and I hope to get to that point with my husband and E.

I want to thank everyone for their responses....they all helped me to see various perspectives and gave me some food for thought. If you have more to add though, definitely feel free to.
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  #20  
Old 07-03-2012, 11:43 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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You said your husband doesn't see as great a benefit to him.....you said you disagree with that..... My point was it subjective to him. If he dreads communicating .....if he really doesnt like being in a state of constant competition. Then those things really can't count for him.

Do you share a car with your neighbor? Why or why not. What's the benefit to not.

Flip this around and pretend they both had other partners ....what benefit would you get in that?

Last edited by dingedheart; 07-03-2012 at 11:47 AM.
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