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  #431  
Old 07-02-2012, 08:31 PM
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SunsetMan SunsetMan is offline
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NRE is no excuse to throw you to the side, though. Anyone experiencing NRE has a responsibility to any partners they already have to make an effort not to become completely engulfed in all the new, fun feelings.
Right, that's how I feel. Mitigating factor: I've been dragging her through shit for 2.5 years trying to get my divorce finalized. About a year ago she started to block me without realizing it and expanded a friendship with a mutual online acquaintence. 5 weeks ago, I got the bombshell that she's got feelings and wants to see where it goes.

She's been hurting for a long time, fighting depression... seemingly overcoming it and reclaiming some self-respect.... but with that, came the bravery to back away from me and engage the other man in an LDR. (begrudingly, with my permission... b/c I wasn't really left a viable choice) She saw him alone for the first time in a planned trip this past weekend and did have sex.

I hoped it woulnd't come to that, but that's the reality of today. I clawed myself up pretty good in a fit of grief and anger.

We talked, and we're taking a break until I am divorced. We'll be roommates, hide the truth from friends and family... then sometime shortly after I am divorced, she agreed that she will back things off with him... and give her and I a chance to re-invent our relationship.

The divorce has been a HUGE obstacle, for her especially... that cannot be understated. I have high hopes that once she realizes that their compatibility is limited and takes a week or two away from constant contact from him, she'll realize what it is that I mean to her... when and only when I am actually free to get married. (we called off/delayed the wedding before she left)

We're either heading for a break-up (we're talking huge end of the world soul-crushing news for me) or... as we've done once before.... a re-inventing of ourselves into a better/stronger thing.

Hmm, I think in order to accomplish that, first I have to identify and quash my insecurities. Time for a new thread.
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  #432  
Old 07-02-2012, 08:59 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
CdM meant that the NRE lasted 2 years, not the entire relationship.
Exactly. The relationship lasted just short of 4 years.

And I agree with others - NRE is uncomfortable to deal with, but it shouldn't just be an excuse for ignoring existing relationships. Your needs and wants should be met, even though the mushy, gooey way folks are acting might be an annoyance....
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  #433  
Old 07-02-2012, 10:43 PM
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Distance can make the NRE last longer, because the opportunities to "burn it out" are so limited. I've gone 3 years and some months before NRE related hypersensitivity started wearing off.
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  #434  
Old 07-17-2012, 05:29 AM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
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so its been quite a while (almost 3 months!) since my last dramatic post. needless to say, my life has been in varied states of chaos since then, which contributed to me not posting here. but i also think i didn't know what/how much to write, and i have felt really all over the place with my feelings.

in the last 3 months, i have:
- moved out of mine and alex's house
- got my own apartment
- adopted two kittens
- fallen in deeper with K

i have also been all over the map in terms of how i have been coping with mine and alex's breakup, from feeling relieved and excited about my future, to feeling desperately like something must be deeply wrong with me for me to want to go smashing up my life like that. i have gone through periods of missing her painfully, wondering if i took her for granted. i also went back and read my posts here and in my private journal, and am reminding myself time and again how long i struggled with this decision and suffered in ambivalence and feeling stagnant and depressed.

on the other hand, having my own place has felt liberating. while i am still adjusting to the feeling of being alone, when i can relax into it i find that it suits me wonderfully. i love the down time, i love my feisty new kittens, i love making the place my own. K has been incredibly supportive of what i have been going through and very understanding of my moodiness. as is to be expected, the shift in my relationship with alex shifted my relationship with K as well. i have found myself confiding more in K, being more emotionally vulnerable with her. the sex is still phenomenal (!!) but we are more connected in other ways now too. its still not easy to get K to talk about her feelings, and i'm trying to just take the whole thing slow while getting through this breakup.

one of the unexpectedly hard things about this breakup with alex is losing most of "our" friends. even though i am still very connected to the friends that were/have always been "mine", alex got "our" friends in the breakup. its not even that i want those friends as "mine" because really that group was more her people than mine anyway, but i suppose what bothers me is how smoothly it all seemed to sort out, how everyone just sort of went that way and no one has checked in with me about it. granted, i haven't reached out either so i can't say i tried, but literally only one person from "our" group of friends has tried to contact me to see how i am doing through all of this. i guess it just makes me a little sad, and a little more aware of how precious close friends are, and how often the folks you share holiday barbecues and new year's eve parties with really are just acquaintances when it comes down to it.

i'm glad to be back here, reading everyone's stories and feeling a little less alone.
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  #435  
Old 07-17-2012, 09:59 PM
miossotty miossotty is offline
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Default Still feeling NRE, he has it with someone else now

Hi, all. I'm a mono involved in an LDR with a beautiful poly (he's had the feelings but this is the first time he's decided to fully embrace the lifestyle). He came out to me a few months into our relationship and there is someone else who he met before me but it's pretty on and off because she's also a mono (long distance as well) who tries to not acknowledge his lifestyle. When it overwhelms her, she leaves and then comes back when she misses him. Because of that and because I've stuck by him through all of it, it felt like it was just the two of us for a long time and he never really mentions her. So as aware as I've been, I wound up shelving it in the back of my mind because we didn't talk about it anymore after he came out. That was probably not the best idea. I could have used the time to start adjusting.

Because of the distance, the NRE was going pretty strong and gets rekindled with each visit. About a month ago, he found someone locally that he has a really great connection with. I'm not sure if he's come out to her and things haven't gotten physical but the emotional bond got strong pretty fast. It was the same for us. He has a tendency to be pretty intense. Now his NRE is directed towards her and I'm here with all of this existing NRE from my end that at times feels ignored.

I explained to him that while I think it is fantastic that he has found someone he connects with on a deep level and I don't mind that he talks to me about her, it would be nice if the affection between us didn't disappear just because she's shiny and new. I feel like I'm the one initiating all of our affectionate moments and sometimes he doesn't reciprocate. It's been especially scarce the past month except for two days last week that made me feel like I was in heaven. He once explained to me months ago that because he gets so busy with life sometimes, he can forget to tell me what I mean to him but that it doesn't mean I'm not important. I brought that up to let him know that I know he's not doing it to deliberately hurt me but that it still does hurt sometimes.

It's especially hard because of my mono wiring, this being my first poly mate, it having been just us on a deep level for nearly a year, the distance, and I'm still trying to get over my jealousy issues with his lifestyle. I told him that someday I might not need the reassurance but that while I'm getting used to everything, having both of our needs met instead of everything seemingly going one way would make me feel a lot better about all of this. Of course having both our needs met after my adjustment period is required as well because that's how any relationship model should work but I don't think that needs explaining. He said he understood and everything seemed to go well after. Affection initiated by him acquired!!

That was yesterday and today things seemed to have slipped back as if I never said anything. Am I asking for too much and is it bad to get upset about it after only a day? I definitely don't want to bring it up again a day later because I don't want to overwhelm him with all of these back to back emotions. We wound up in a much deeper, emotionally intense conversation about his lifestyle and the fact that he's egalitarian instead of hierarchal over the weekend and that's what prompted me to join this forum. I knew I was going to need to do a lot of research and find some support aside from him.

Like I said in my intro post, any feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Last edited by miossotty; 07-17-2012 at 10:12 PM. Reason: deleting thread
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  #436  
Old 07-18-2012, 06:01 AM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
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just spent a good few hours with alex, reconnecting and talking finances and figuring out how we are going to make this separation work logistically. i put two and two together and figured out that she is (finally) starting a sexual relationship with someone new. when she and i first started exploring poly, she was convinced that she was definitely mono and had no interest in seeing other people. now that she has started to experience the high of NRE, she seems to have more understanding about my perspective and even some compassion for some of the dumb things i did in the heat of NRE with sam and k. i also got to feel a little bit of jealousy, which is very good medicine for me. it felt helpful to remember how much she was willing to stretch for me and sit with her difficult emotions, even when she didn't always behave well.

the hard part of this breakup is that i still love her. i just was so unhappy in that relationship for so long that when i wonder if i made the right decision, i also wonder how i could have made any other choice? i don't see that anything would have changed for the better if i had stayed. i wanted to be freer to set my own boundaries with my other lovers and alex needed to feel control over the situation.

i feel a bit worried about this thing with k. i am so enamored with her, the NRE is still very strong 7 months into it but the communication is somewhat weak. i suppose i have been avoiding processing with her because the processing with alex has been so intense for so long. but K has dropped hints here and there about wanting me "all to herself" and i have kind of laughed it off until now. i have been so emotionally drained by the breakup with alex and at the same time so fulfilled by K sexually (and she's also been very supportive and comforting) that i haven't given seeing anyone else a second thought. even the idea sounds exhausting to me at this point.

BUT i'm going to the lesbian mecca in the woods next month for two weeks, by myself without alex and without K, but with thousands of other women there looking to connect and have fun. K knows i am going of course, but we have not talked about agreements at all. i'm dreading broaching the topic, which i know is irresponsible and perhaps lazy of me, because isn't this poly thing all about the processing????

i have to figure out a way to talk to k about this. how do i say, "look, i love our sex life and i know you want me all to yourself, but i'm going to the woods for two weeks with a bunch of other dykes and i can't make you any promises" in a way that feels respectful and still communicates to her how into her i am?
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  #437  
Old 07-24-2012, 04:01 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Thanks for the update, glad you are doing okay.

If it makes you feel better, in a similar situation, the friends who dropped contact with me had been my friends first--I didn't even know they were just his until they didn't bother to check in with me. One of them was one of my best friends ever, and I miss her terribly.

I'm glad your ex is dating again. But I don't think she was fair to you when she ended things--but somehow monogamous people seem to have to convince themselves that they hate their old partner before they can allow themselves the possibility of loving someone new.

Best of luck with everything. You should probably talk to K a little about her feelings about your lesbians-in-the-woods venture. Can't hurt to ask her how she feels.
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  #438  
Old 07-29-2012, 01:01 PM
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Unhappy NRE on a day a week

New here and I find myself needing - well, I don't know - support? Encouragement? Advice?

I'm in what for many on here may be an enviable situation, having successfully made the switch to poly within a very long term relationship with no problems we've not been able to work through easily so far. If anything it has strengthened our relationship in unexpected ways. My wife is fully appraised of everything below, and has been a rock, but she can't give me the benefit of experience!

I've met someone new who is wonderful - we clicked immediately, want all the same things, and have a real developing emotional bond. It's so exciting and energising. All in all, I should be blissfully happy, basking in the glow of NRE.

The problem is that I'm actually finding the NRE crippling! The new lady and I have been seeing each other about once a week properly, with occasional lunches and a constant daily exchange of texts and emails, just sharing the details of our lives or simply saying good morning or goodnight. We're both poly, and both have busy social lives, so there hasn't been room to see each other any more than we have been. However, after each time I see her, which is always fantastic, I find myself in this sort of grey state where everything seems muted, and it's hard to concentrate or properly enjoy myself at all my other activities. I just see her face all the time in my head! This persists for most of the week, and it's totally out of character. I know she is also finding concentration difficult at work, but she doesn't seem to have lost her enthusiasm for her social life, so although it's not all one-sided, I seem to be the worst affected. That said, she is a much more experienced polyamorist.

In all the earlier, mono relationships in my life (over a decade ago), the possibility of this has never arisen - those first few weeks of NRE have been spent in each others' company most of the time, but now I find myself in what must be a common poly situation - NRE on one day a week.

To those of you that have been there, experiencing this sort of effects, how did you cope? Will it take long to settle? Encouraging words most welcome!

Last edited by thisis; 07-29-2012 at 01:04 PM.
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  #439  
Old 07-29-2012, 07:09 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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I feel arrogant saying welcome to the forum... since it is not my forum... hahaha... but hello and... (substitute for welcome)

Quote:
The problem is that I'm actually finding the NRE crippling!
When I read this, I was about to say... "ahh! I know what you mean! I don't have time for NRE; I hate talking every day, it's so claustrophobic to me!"

Then I carried on reading. Hahaha.

Quote:
However, after each time I see her, which is always fantastic, I find myself in this sort of grey state where everything seems muted, and it's hard to concentrate or properly enjoy myself at all my other activities. I just see her face all the time in my head!
Sounds like love sickness. Someone call a Doctor

Quote:
In all the earlier, mono relationships in my life (over a decade ago), the possibility of this has never arisen - those first few weeks of NRE have been spent in each others' company most of the time, but now I find myself in what must be a common poly situation - NRE on one day a week.
That's a very good point. If you're used to seeing someone you're into all the time in the past, this must be a new experience for you. If it's also been over a decade since you've dated outside of your wife... it's likely to be much more powerful!


Quote:
To those of you that have been there, experiencing this sort of effects, how did you cope? Will it take long to settle? Encouraging words most welcome!
The only time this has happened to me is when I met my current girlfriend.

I randomly met current GF online... we connected instantly... she blew my mind. Soon enough, we were talking every day, for hours and hours, about everything. God, I was completely smitten. We were addicted to each other.

I couldn't concentrate at work, I didn't want to go out with my friends, I couldn't stop thinking of her. It was overwhelming. And it did affect my life. It affected by job pretty badly... so I hope you crazy kids are more careful!

It's been about a year and a half and we live long distance. I only get to see her for three months at a time, every three months. So that might keep the NRE going for us... but all I know is, I still can't wait to talk to her every day, still do barely anything but sit and chat with her on skype... and I'm still pretty wrapped up in love. We fight like nothing you've ever seen before (feel free to check out my mopey threads detailing such arguments, haha)... but we help each other grow like nothing I've ever known.

Erm... what I mean is... you will one day be able to focus on work again. I promise. I think.

Out of interest... how are you finding it in terms of your wife? Are your feelings just as warm and lovey as they always were for her? More, less? Do you still enjoying going out on dates together? I'm just curious to hear more of your story!
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involved with:
GF: (41, female) my long-distance, long-term partner
Earth: (35, female) newly dating

metamours:
Hubby: (38, male) GF's husband
Garcon: (28, male) GF's boyfriend/submissive



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  #440  
Old 07-29-2012, 10:59 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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It hasn't happened to me, but my husband has gone through it several times.

I thought I'd offer another perspective for you.

It's debilitating to our relationship when he gets all mopey over not being able to spend time with his new interest (in every case he's had the opportunity for at least once or twice a week in person and every day texts/emails).

Because then our time is destroyed by his mopiness.

It's gotten to the point where (I'm the one who is primarily poly by the way)-everytime he meets someone, I just want to go on vacation with our kids and not come home again for a few months.
Because I already know it's going to be him mopey and moody and wanting to be with her.

It's NOT that I doubt his love for me at all and I know his love for me isn't waning. But, he's SO caught up in NRE that he can't stay happy when he's not with them and that makes him shitty to hang around.

When he's in NRE, I miss the times when he is actually FUN to be around, enjoys playing, goofing off, having mad, passionate sex with me.

Ironically, my boyfriend lives with us-and it's never been that way for me. I am ALWAYS MORE interested in fun, and goofing off, playful sex and teasing with my husband when I'm getting that from my boyfriend too.
So, I can't say I understand personally.
Because for me, NRE isn't about a person-but about getting quality time and if I get it with one-I want it with everyone I adore.
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