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  #1411  
Old 06-28-2012, 11:32 PM
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I'm glad you're taking care of yourself RP. Hugs.
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  #1412  
Old 07-01-2012, 02:21 PM
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RP said

"It amazes me how the affect of one small animal can change a person. I had a rat I loved just as much and several cats, dogs and other small animals that didn't effect my life as much. When my big brown tabby, Trevor goes I will be devistated. Yet not so much if my torteshell cat (now Dave's), Georgia goes. I love them, don't get me wrong, but some pets hold special places in my heart and I am deeply connected with them on a soul level.

So it goes with people to. Some are huge in terms of presence and influence and others not so much. This has been my reminder so far this last six months. This seems to be what goes around in my head more than anything. Everyone in my life has a place in my heart, yet some move me to believe that our soul purpose in life is to be together. Some are laughter and light. They move around me and through me in joy and fun, others move me to work at what we have. To sink deeply into them and them into me in order to create something profound and beyond the realm of what we know is reality. All of it is worth it."

There's a signature line in there someplace. You might consider printing it out and displaying it someplace where you can see it. It's a great reminder.

Good luck
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  #1413  
Old 07-01-2012, 06:22 PM
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There seems to ba a theme lately of people changing in my life. There seems to be death and re-birth everywhere. Wondering where it will place me in the world when the cards fall to the ground.

My relationship with Mono has changed some how but I haven't understood how yet I don't think. I love him. Oh boy do I love him, but I'm annoyed with that some how as I've been a silly little girl in that I think. I naively believed in the monogamous dream with him and that's gone. It was like one last ditch effort to think that someone could love me and love me only. I feel stupid about it.

I feel close to PN at the moment in a stead fast and lasting way. We will of been married 12 years this summer and every moment has been worth it. There is no other that I have run across that would make a more suitable husband. I am really blessed to be married to him.

Derby is encompassed by everything that her name means lately. There is a lot of emotional stuff going on too that has made it so she needs private thinking time. Lots of change and growth for her as well maybe?

Brad is becoming a fixture in my life and I am enjoying the buzz of that. We are slowly becoming close and intimate. The pace is just right for me. I lavish it and enjoy every moment. Time apart is hard, but we are not in a rush so its worth it to wait.

Ken is becoming a dear friend. I enjoy his company immensely and look forward to a summer of much fun. I think he is disappointed that I don't feel as he does, but really, I see our relationship as something that will grow in time and one that holds much possibility.

I need friends. Doing a tally of how many I have that I spend time with often, there was none. My biggest goal this year is to nurture some good friendships. Hopefully heal some lost ones too.

There are many details in all this that I could share. Many stories wrapped around each person. Perhaps my biggest goal right now is to connect with myself more and when I dwell on each story going on with each person I am consumed with that and not being grounded in my own life. For now its best to say that everyone who knows me who reads this knows where we are at and if they don't, they can reach out and ask. "I am my own primary." This is my mantra.
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  #1414  
Old 07-03-2012, 03:11 PM
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Perhaps my favourite parts of the weekend were going to Brad's house for a BBQ to spend time as a group and get to know each other, making a spot to put my hammock up in the back yard with Ken, going to the local Canada day celebrations with Mono, PN and LB in the camper van, going to Derby's for an impromptu BBQ and getting all my burlesque stuff.

Brad's wife is a lovely woman with a big heart. She has been welcoming and generous to me and my family. She has gone out of her way to be kind and thoughtful to me and its making me feel accepted. I had been very nervous about new metamours in my life after the hurt I went through of trying to establish some kind of connection with my last one (Leo's wife). Metamour relationships are the back bone of a good relatuonship I find and I am really pleased that so far me and Brad's wife seem to be on the same page with me about that. Both of them are reching out to know all my loves too. It makes me feel like we can act as a team where Brad is concerned if need be.

I am enjoying Brad's little boy too. He's a 4 year old little cutie. Unlike LB, he is active, boysterous and eager to involve everyone around him in his adventures. He's a pleasure to be around and I admire how he is being raised. Brad and his wife's parenting style is similar to mine. I think that is partly why.

Canada day was spent walking around the city taking in activities at various stages around town. They had bands playing, markets to browse through and lots of people watching. Most of the people were bewlidered American tourists taking In our version of celebration of our countries birthday. There were also many teens and 20 somethings boozing it up as night came and time for fireworks came close.

In the evening we headed back to the camper van where we met PN. We made hotdogs on the stove and coffee and sat and watched the sun go down and the peope heading downtown. We parked in a spot near a local attraction so we went and had a look and ate some ice cream. Mono and PN played hacky sack a bit (I joined in for awhile) and the crowds swarmed around us until it was time to watch the fireworks. After that it took us an hour to get home as we waited for the traffic to die down.

I got myself a burlesque gig for July as I cleaned up my stuff and assest what I needed to fix and rework. Strange that I haven't looked at it in weeks and right when I go to clean it up I get a message about the gig. I am so excited!

I was sad yesterday as I worked. Or more like hurt over the changes that seem to of come into my life. I am trying to invite change, but the threat of Mono's adventures in having poly feelings is continuing to throw me for a loop. I'm trying to ignore the feeling and deal with it alone rationally and without emotion. For the most part I'm succeeding, but I feel like I am not quite ready to talk about it when I feel I must as everyone around me is affected.

To top it off I felt a bit ripped off on two date nights this week when PN decided to go to a party for most of one and a movie on his own for another (we couldn't get a sitter). This morning I feel better but only got a couple of hours of sleep as a result of over thinking and now have taken a sick day from work to catch up on sleep. Its rainy here today, shouldn't be hard to let myself slumber I think.
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  #1415  
Old 07-04-2012, 08:52 PM
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Mono and I have decided that I am going to work on not being worried I am hurting him by having Brad in my life, he is going to work on not worrying whether or not I am happy with him or not. I am going to work on trusting again and he is going to work on open and honest communication.

We are both trusting our resilience and trusting each others stay-bility (made that word up). We both agree that we are life loves that will be supporting and loving each other for a long time to come. That is where we are on the same wave length so that is where we shall rest our trust and do our work for now. sorting it out! Yay!

Had a walk and tea with Ken yesterday and he told me he is glad that we are friends too. He needed (needs) time to figure out where to go next in life and us being friends will be better in the long haul from where we both sit right now. It feels good to have that sorted out a bit more. I feel as if I am resting on trusting that we are in a good place also.

I'm seeing Brad tonight after some burlesque costuming with some of the ladies. It will be a quick visit I think as it will be late. His in-laws are coming soon so I am wondering how much we will see of each other.

I think back to a couple of months ago when we first met. Such a lot has happened. He feels so naturally part of my life now.

I am concerned that he has some connections to people I am not on good terms with right now and am wondering what my role is, if any, in that. He wants me to come to events that he and his wife go to but I can't because of these people. I am wondering if I should try and make a change there for everyone's sake. Is it my responsibility to do that? I feel as if I would be interrupting them as I don't know where they are at with me and don't want to take their separateness from me away. I think they might be preferring I am not in their immediate circle. Brad would like me to be in that same circle... For now I am leaving it and just seeing if it becomes necessary. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I would rather put that feeling on my shoulders than expect others to shoulder it for me. Still mulling over what the best thing to do is and have more to talk to him about.
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Last edited by redpepper; 07-05-2012 at 12:19 AM.
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  #1416  
Old 07-09-2012, 05:54 AM
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Quietly tired and happy tonight after a full and fun weekend.

Mono and I went to visit our old friends from the days of him living on his own and when I first met him. We had a fun night of tequila shots and a good laugh. They wanted us to stay the night as is customary, but I am glad we didn't as Saturday was busy and eventful.

We did house stuff and garden stuff until the evening when Mono and I went to watch the UFC fights at a local pub near our house. PN had a friend over and LB was out so we all got to do what we wanted.

In the evening I took Mono to a burlesque party for a local starlet who was having a birthday. I felt honoured to of been asked as she is something of a star around here and besides, I like hanging out with the people that went.

Later we went to the gay bar for dancing and to celebrate pride weekend. Mono and I brought the place down at the end of the night long after all the others left. We used to dance there in our early days and it had been a long time. We had some long loving kisses and dancing together and it made me forget all the lack of trust I have been feeling for a time. I felt him loving me strongly and was grateful.

Mono enjoyed being hit on by the men and I enjoyed attention from a cute baby dyke who was so young! Like 20? She obviously didn't see very clearly in the dark and had had too much to drink. She poured her beer in my shoe when she leaned over to ask me to dance. It made me laugh and remember my youth as a young butchy lesbian back in the day trying to court the more fem types. Boy things have changed!

Today we went to the pride parade and met up with loads of friends and people from my past lesbian days. I love meeting them there every year and re-connecting. We put a blanket down in front of the stage and had lots of visitors. Including Ken and Brad (and his family). Who finally met! They seemed to get on okay. Early days yet, but they both made an effort to speak with one another and that meant a lot to me. I love them both, but in different ways, and I love to see people I love meeting and spending time together.

Derby came and snuggled with me on the blanket after her derby girl parade skating. I was dressed in my burlesque persona and we walked around hand in hand derby girl and burlesquer all smiley and happy to spend some time together. We had a cuddle and talk and some lipstick smearing kissing on the blanket while Mono watched out the corner or his snoozy eye. He had been napping in the sun with a restless LB crawling all over him.

PN took off for what seemed like hours to chat up a woman he likes and to visit a friend and when he came back we headed out for a coffee at a local coffee shop before coming home for a BBQ and a quiet night nursing our sun-soaked selves....

Not bad for a weekend. I am happy and feel grounded. Apart from some conversations about phone usage and what is going on for Mono and his connection with his friend (both of which kept me from sleeping. I just don't sleep now when the whole topic comes up), the weekend was virtually process free for the first time in ages. For two days almost solidly I had no discussion or process to go through with any of my loves. Surprising and a welcome break. I am sure that trend will end shortly. It always does. More loves? More process. Just how it is.
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  #1417  
Old 07-09-2012, 06:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I am happy and feel grounded.
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  #1418  
Old 07-17-2012, 12:11 AM
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This years Poly Family camp seems to of been a huge success. I hosted along with other volunteers and together as a team we did a really good job. Probably the most successful event I have been involved in to date. I am so proud and pleased with the result. There was about 50 people there, including kids and together we took over a group site at a local provincial park on a lake. It was private, close to the beach and was big enough for all. It would of worked better if it was bigger, but next year we are thinking of taking over some neighboring sites for those who prefer to not live so communally.

The best parts of camp were the coffee every morning. BIG thanks to the coffee fairy! Without coffee in the morning, I am hooped. I also enjoyed adults and kids alike dressing up and doing a variety show. The kids played with the numerous costumes all day and did their own skit. I loved watching the nerf war and water play go on between kids and adults. The bubble guns lite up at the light dance were beautiful, along with many glo sticks lighting up the lawn and christmas lights glowing as we danced to alternative dance music and later 80's pop. I made a frankenstuffy (chopped up stuffed animals that are then re-sewn), chatting to the teens, and some new adult friends. There were some great touch workshops and writing workshops. There was a nature walk for the kids. A treasure hunt. A potluck dinner.... much more.

Mono swam about five times on Saturday and took LB along with him. LB told me that him and Mono NEED a nerf gun... lol and of course nerf battle axes too. He talks about Mono like he's his big brother. Mono and PN hacky sacked for about five hours and got dressed by others in hoola dresses when they took a break. After being dressed up they went back for hacking.

I got to spend a night with my derby love. She brought her own tent and decorated it with a lovely scarf on the ceiling. It was cozy and cuddly in there and we had some fun sexy times. We don't get that time often and I was thrilled she made an effort to create the time and space. Its been a busy spring. We needed it.

Ken came along too and he and derby and I did a variety show skit about them creating a unicorn with magic potions and incantations. I got a whole bottle of glitter poured on my head by Ken that stuck to everyone and everything. You could tell who was close to me all weekend by how much glitter was on them.

Brad came out with his wife and their boy for a day. They aren't campers and their child doesn't sleep at night very well (4years old) so they didn't stay but wish they had planned to as they found some people to talk to and participated in the activities easily. I loved watching Brad and Mono hold up the curtain for the show. I was filled with Joy and NRE for both of them. Come to think about it I was on an NRE high for everyone close to me this weekend... I guess that isn't NRE... its that constant state of content glee, joy and contentment of being with those that love me and I love them.

When I got home I was tired, happy and sad at the same time and crashed. I had some loving time with PN and then went down to spend time with Mono. I couldn't seem to get out of my head that Mono was keeping things from me and refused to cuddle up to him. He went off to bed with a shrug and didn't attempt to adequately tell me that nothing was going on and that he was being truthful about that. After lying awake for some time I decided to go and talk to him and ask him again. He said there was nothing going on and I told him I would trust that... I asked that next time I suddenly get scared and fearful that something is going on that he help me reach a place of trust again. Being left is not the best idea on his part and keeps us from connecting again. I need him to reassure me and keep at it until I tell him that I am okay. In the meantime I will work on changing my thought patterns.

I am left wondering what it was all about. I had such a great weekend and I just plummeted in fear, threat of abandonment and found it hard to trust. I was proud of how I turned it around fairly quickly and talked my self out of the irrational feelings, but I am left confused and wondering now how that happened and how I to stop myself next time.
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  #1419  
Old 07-18-2012, 10:56 AM
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I think the timing has to do with having had such a tiring weekend. For me at least tiredness can definitely be a factor that raises unpleasant feelings, even if it is the result of most wonderful time I've had.

The event sounds great, good job!
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Old 07-20-2012, 07:06 PM
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Just wrote this to Brad via text:

"My heart is bigger than I am. Unfortunately."
"My brain doesn't have a hope in hell most of the time"

Its been a crazy week. Ken has found himself a girlfriend. A monogamous one. She happens to be my co-worker of 10 years and a close friend. We were at a party a couple of weeks go and I let her know that he would be there and reminded her that he is single. The rest took care of itself.

This friend and I sent our kids to the same day care, she guided me through the early years of my son being born, half her wardrobe is stuff I've given her that was once mine, we have spoken in depth about poly and I have watched her go through a lot of relationships. I've supported her and she me through some major life journeys.

Last I heard she would not date a man who's heart is not fully focussed on her. She doesn't think she could be in a relationship with someone who is not monogamous. At one point she wouldn't date PN when I suggested it because he is with me. At the time I thought about it after and realised that would be difficult for us all as I work with her. I would be working with my metamour. A situation I would try to avoid. As it is, I don't usually allow myself to be friends with co-workers, but her and I have always resonated on a different level than most and I have always thought that if we didn't work together its likely we would be closer friends. I purposely separate myself from too much emotional entanglement with people at work. It just hasn't faired well in the past.

I tried to back away, earlier this week, by telling him I thought I should not talk to him for awhile, but he isn't budging on trying to work out a friendship right now. I didn't want her to find out he loves me, but I actually think he really doesn't now. I wonder if he really ever did. He said things that convinced me believe him but I think he loved a notion of something better for himself. He could have that with her, I thought, if I backed away. Kind of a gift from me to their possible future together.

Now I am realising that I am likely being demoted in Ken's eyes. What once was a situation of my being a fill in girlfriend is now a situation of my being a friend. I didn't realise that in making the choice a few monthes back, to not date him because he was going through a break up and I didn't want to be a rescue gf, that I would end up in so much pain as I watch him move on. That I would be in pain watching my ecstatic friend.

I chose Brad. I chose the four I am close to... There is really no time for more. I realised that and I felt I had to go with what looked like the best option. He needed more than I could give. It was a good choice because my love for Brad has grown into something that works. I have four already now but my heart is bigger than the universe it feels like. Time and other things in life get in the way I guess. Its just how it is.

Don't get me wrong. I knew this day would come. I practised what I would make my brain think. I sat in those feelings and decided that the ones I was forcing myself to sit in were appropriate and healthy for all of us. In the mean time we grew closer. Physically we didn't get closer, but mentally we did and therefore my heart followed suit. I was proud of the fact I had a plan to search out the feeling of a friend seeing two friends happy together and will find that again inside me and grasp on as hard as I can.

I need time now. Its all happened so fast and as it should, but I need time to heal again. This seems to be a year of that kind of roller coaster. I'm exhausted through lack of sleep and "fucked heart" syndrome (as I said to Brad).

Mono doesn't get it. I don't really want to involve him in any of this anyway as I feel he judges me (my perception, he says he's confused) and last time I went through hurt he went elsewhere for attention. That is still to fresh right now to trust he won't do that again.

PN listens, as does derby. They pass on what they know from their infinite wisdom and what they know of Ken and I. I piece it all together as best I can.

Tonight I will meet up with Ken for what I think will be a mock break up to our mock love affair. Perhaps things will be clearer after that and after a weekend away from work and a weekend for him to indulge in his new love.
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