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  #151  
Old 06-16-2012, 07:28 AM
corey corey is offline
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Thought I would let everyone know I am still here and I am still with said significant other for the time being. We are still having ups and downs. I agree to the feeling that this isn't quite the same poly relationship I have been reading about. Im still working out how I feel about the situation, she claims she never did anything with said "FWB" but hard to believe someone to be out til 3am without doing anything. I still lack the confidence to decide what I want to do on my own.
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  #152  
Old 06-25-2012, 05:07 AM
jerflan jerflan is offline
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Default Totally in your bubble

Hey Corey,

I am in a very similar situation to you. I had almost identical rules to you, and it ended up leading to a fair amount of resentment on both sides. I would be suspicious of his texts, his going out, staying out late, etc etc. Eventually he "broke" the rules--got drunk at a party I didn't go to, hooked up with a couple, didn't call me, and didn't come home until 4 AM. I was ready to end it right there. I was so hurt and confused and the situation only added onto the insecurities and jealousy I felt that were the cause of these "rules" in the first place.

As a temporary solution, we decided to close the relationship in hopes that it would improve our sex life, and we enlisted in some couple's counseling. We still aren't super sexually compatible, but it did bring us closer and give us time to sort out other issues once the "x" factor was removed.

However, after a few months, it became clear that this was indeed temporary. I like to play a little too, albeit not as much, and not with my friends, as my partner does, but I could see that keeping him on such a tight leash was going to be detrimental in the long run.

After some thought, I realized that this is really my issue. I have insecurities and am jealous that someone will take him from me. I trust him, but I don't trust the other people. I don't want to live like this, but I also want my partner to be happy. So I suggested we do a complete 180 and open it up without any of the rules from before. He went up to SF for the weekend, and I'm sitting at home stewing in my own jealousy, but I know he'll come home on Tuesday and am not worried about him leaving me for someone else. It's not perfect, and I'm sure we'll change the rules again soon enough, but the relationship is important enough to me that I will force myself to face these internal conflicts head on.

I'm not suggesting you do the same thing, but your situation sounds so creepily similar to mine that I thought you might glean something from it.

Best of luck to you!

~J
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  #153  
Old 06-26-2012, 05:38 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
What are some of the rules that everyone has with their relationships.
I already replied on your situation in your other thread. I still think she's not the right one for you and you are being had. But I'll share my rules.

1) Truth. Everyone on board on the same page. All in the open, all names and basic info things exchanged openly. Do not lie, do not assume. ASK when confused. TELL when confused. Do not cheat/skimp out on truth-ing and thus set me up and emotionally betray me. I'd have way more respect for you as my ex if you just hard truth it to me than lying or lying by omission on things that affect my health. I'd like to be good exes if/when that happens. Truth it. Just spit it OUT. If you do not find this fair, don't play with me.

2) I'm willing to work almost whatever else it is out. Here it is on 3 strikes you are out. You mess up once? Alright. We deal. 2nd time. We deal. 3rd time we deal. KEEP ON with that SAME thing? Goodbye. OUT. If you do not find this fair, don't play with me.

3) Basic health hygiene info is good enough to me -- names, sex screens, etc. This is REQUIRED. I don't need to know everything about your others. I'd try to be friends with your OSO but life being what it is, that's not a guarantee. So I'll be at least polite and friendly toward my metas. That I can try to do.

If you want to share more and they are ok, I'm ok. All respect privacy. I do not kiss an tell on my end without giving you a heads up. Don't kiss and tell on your end without giving me the heads up. Do not put me in the middle of things. I only get excited when there's something real to get excited about. Don't tell me extra if I don't need to be excited yet. I want to make my health choices fully informed, is all. If you do not find this fair, don't play with me.

I'm not sure that's the same agreement I'd use in later life but that served me well in my dating life in my 20's.

GalGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-26-2012 at 06:30 PM.
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  #154  
Old 06-29-2012, 01:43 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Default What Are Your Poly Guidelines And Boundaries?

Hi all,

After reading some other posts here, I got to thinking... (dangerous)

I am so curious to see how other poly people work. In particular, in terms of those jealousy "pangs" and guidelines.

Here's just a few things I'm curious about - I'd love to hear opinions on these things, or other things!

1. Do those "pangs" ever go away completely?

2. Do you share the details of whether you've kissed/what you've done/what the kiss/sex/whatever was like?

3. Does one activity bother you more than others? i.e. sex/kissing/love/dating often?

4. Do you expect to meet your primary's dates?

5. Do you have limits on the amount of times per week that you see secondaries?

6. Do you operate a "I'll do (x activity - date/kiss/sleep with) then tell you" - or do you operate "I'd like to do (x) - would you be ok with it?"

7. Do you have a veto rule? Do you agree with vetoing?

8. What is the biggest stress for you in poly? (possessiveness, jealous, threat, guilt, time constraints, etc)

9. What is the difference, for you, between acting in a poly way, and acting in a single way?


Huge thanks to anyone who wants to contribute to this discussion.

Sparklepop
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  #155  
Old 06-29-2012, 03:28 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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1. Do those "pangs" ever go away completely?

I'm unusual in that I get the "pangs" of jealousy for people who aren't my partner but I am interested in (because there is the fear they might not be able to date me if they start a relationship with someone else), but not in established relationships. It goes away as I get closer to the person and more confident about our relationship.

2. Do you share the details of whether you've kissed/what you've done/what the kiss/sex/whatever was like?

That absolutely depends. If the partner I kissed/had sex with is fine with sharing, and another partner wants to hear about it, then absolutely. If either of them is uncomfortable with it, then no details... but still broad events shared with established relationships, as whether we've had our first kiss or not, or whether we've had sex yet or not can matter.

3. Does one activity bother you more than others? i.e. sex/kissing/love/dating often?

I guess out of these, the only that could bother me is "dating often", if I felt I didn't get to see a partner as much as I need to, and it made me feel lonely or unappreciated, or miss them more than I'm comfortable with. But I don't see it as an activity as much as time management.

4. Do you expect to meet your primary's dates?

This seems to imply a primary/secondaries relationship. I have relationships that might all be established and committed (which is what I consider primary) or happen to be more casual, whether because still new or because it works for us (which I will refer to as secondary).
I expect to meet prospective partners of my primary partners, be it only to make sure they know I exist and they understand my partners won't leave me, we're committed, in love, happy, etc.
I expect to be told if a secondary partner has another girlfriend (or a boyfriend), and I certainly would like to meet them soon for similar reasons (so I can be sure they know I exist and that I'm there to stay), but depending on the context (very new relationship, casual relationship) I wouldn't necessarily expect for it to happen right away. I would want to for sure if/when it becomes serious, though.

5. Do you have limits on the amount of times per week that you see secondaries?

I have no limit on how much I see any partner at all. It's all played by ear, making sure nobody's feeling neglected, adapting if someone is.

6. Do you operate a "I'll do (x activity - date/kiss/sleep with) then tell you" - or do you operate "I'd like to do (x) - would you be ok with it?"

Mostly the latter with primary partners (from "I'm thinking of asking X out" rather than "I've asked X out" to "I'm having a date tonight, is it cool if I go back to her place?" rather than "So after our date we had sex"). I would expect a kiss to happen during a date though, and there is some amount of leeway for things that weren't planned but ended up happening, provided I know where he is and I'm not waiting for him and worried about what happened, etc.
For secondary partners, I would expect a heads-up if they know they like someone, but if someone else hits on them I don't expect them to first check with me before agreeing to a first date. I would expect to be told at the first opportunity, though.

7. Do you have a veto rule? Do you agree with vetoing?

If veto is defined as "A partner is allowed to ask you to leave another partner and you'll do it", then no. However we have sets of boundaries, for instance my live-in boyfriend isn't comfortable with my dating his coworkers at this point, and therefore I'm not doing it, even though I like one of them (I was aware of the boundary before I started liking him).

8. What is the biggest stress for you in poly? (possessiveness, jealous, threat, guilt, time constraints, etc)

The biggest stress for me is the fear that someone I'm interested in might reject me because I'm polyamorous. I also wouldn't want to be respected less, or for people to treat me as a booty call rather than a relationship that is just as legitimate as it would be if I had no other partners.
I'm also afraid of people's reactions in general, not just prospective partners.

9. What is the difference, for you, between acting in a poly way, and acting in a single way?

To me, being poly is like being in a couple and being single at the same time: you have the relationship(s), and you have the availability. But the main difference is that your romantic and sexual life affects other people. That's why I think it's important that everyone is in the same boat and cooperates, and that everyone is aware or everyone else.
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  #156  
Old 06-29-2012, 03:43 PM
JynLove JynLove is offline
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1. Do those "pangs" ever go away completely?

So far, I have had no pangs with my primary, but we are very new to this. I did have major jealousy issues before we were out poly to eachother, only because he was emotionally intimate with another woman and in denial. It wasn't the relationship that hurt, it was the secrecy and denial. It was also that at the time we were monogamous, so I viewed their relationship as a threat to ours. That is no longer the case. No threat, no jealousy.

Remarkably, I do feel slight inklings of jealousy with my love interest. He is mono, and I am not sure how interested he is in me yet, so I see his communication with other girls as a threat. Him being a one woman man, means that if he likes one of the other girls more what we have is done.

2. Do you share the details of whether you've kissed/what you've done/what the kiss/sex/whatever was like?

Yes, my primary likes to hear everything in great detail. I like to hear about him too (what little experience we've had). If another partner was uncomfortable with it, we'd respect their privacy.

3. Does one activity bother you more than others? i.e. sex/kissing/love/dating often?

Hmm, I might be bothered if he spent more time out than with our established family. Seeing him kiss or otherwise someone else would take getting used to, but I don't mind hearing about it when and if it happens. I also don't mind hearing about his desire to. I would insist if he showed someone else affection in my presence, that I be entitled to some too.

4. Do you expect to meet your primary's dates?

We do, but for the safety of our family. Sometimes love blinds you to danger. We decided it would work out better if we could befriend eachothers partners as well.

5. Do you have limits on the amount of times per week that you see secondaries?

Not as of yet, but we both know to be careful not to neglect eachother.

6. Do you operate a "I'll do (x activity - date/kiss/sleep with) then tell you" - or do you operate "I'd like to do (x) - would you be ok with it?"

Both. I generally tell my primary whats probably going to happen, then tell him what happened when I make it back home.

7. Do you have a veto rule? Do you agree with vetoing?

As of now yes, but only as a precaution for the safety of our family. We each only have one love interest, he approves of mine. I have yet to meet his to be sure.

8. What is the biggest stress for you in poly? (possessiveness, jealous, threat, guilt, time constraints, etc)

So far we are in what I see as a honeymoon phase. Check back with us in a year lol.

9. What is the difference, for you, between acting in a poly way, and acting in a single way?

Hmm, only in that I am taking into concern the feelings of my primary, and also the feelings of my love interest that I am married. Other than that we have been practicing free will to flirt. You know, for the few days since coming out lmao.

Ask me everything again in a year. I am sure answers will be different!
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  #157  
Old 06-29-2012, 05:15 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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1. Do those "pangs" ever go away completely?

My husband and I started out swinging and worked through most of our potential jealousy issues that way. Since starting exploring poly, neither of us have struggled with jealousy pangs at all.

2. Do you share the details of whether you've kissed/what you've done/what the kiss/sex/whatever was like?


I will tell if we've kissed (which is expected pretty early on), but I don't discuss what it was like, really.

3. Does one activity bother you more than others? i.e. sex/kissing/love/dating often?

No experience with this so far, but I could see time constraints/dating often being my major issue. My husband works nights, so while I get to see him every day it isn't really quality time. The weekends are really the only focused time he has, so when I have to start sharing every single weekend, I'll probably struggle at first.

4. Do you expect to meet your primary's dates?


Eventually. After a month-ish, I think, would be a good time for us to meet. My husband usually falls for people he knows well, so most of his love interests have been people I've already met at work events or through friends, anyway. I would want to meet dates that he thinks he'll have sex with, so the sooner that comes up the sooner I would want to meet her.

5. Do you have limits on the amount of times per week that you see secondaries?

Not formally. So far it hasn't been an issue.

6. Do you operate a "I'll do (x activity - date/kiss/sleep with) then tell you" - or do you operate "I'd like to do (x) - would you be ok with it?"

Kissing I feel no need to talk about. We discuss is before we have sex. Anything that could be an issue (spending the night together, sex, meeting families) is approached in a "I'd like to do x - what do you think?" kind of way.

7. Do you have a veto rule? Do you agree with vetoing?

No veto rule, but we both know that if the other doesn't care for a person we're seeing it probably won't work out in the long term. As long as there is a good reason for it, if hubby asks me not to date someone, I won't. Same goes for him. We both like to get all of our loved ones together for stuff, too, so we generally only date people who are willing to be friends with our other loves, too, at least on a casual "we can be at the same party and get along fine" basis.

8. What is the biggest stress for you in poly? (possessiveness, jealous, threat, guilt, time constraints, etc)

For me personally, time.

9. What is the difference, for you, between acting in a poly way, and acting in a single way?

A single person can go out with someone they are dating 4 times a week at first to accommodate for that NRE. A poly person has to ease into it to help transition from being in x amount of relationships to being in x+1 amount of relationships without making any other partners feel like they're being ignored or abandoned because of the new partner. A single person can date multiple people casually and not mention them to the others. A poly person has to be open about being in other relationships.
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  #158  
Old 06-29-2012, 05:38 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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1. Do those "pangs" ever go away completely?
For me, personally, I have had little experience with this, since one of my partners is mono, and the other is poly but not dated anyone since we met.

2. Do you share the details of whether you've kissed/what you've done/what the kiss/sex/whatever was like?
We have an agreement that the three of us discussed that beyond informing someone that sexual activity was taking place (for health reasons) what went on with each in private stayed that way.

3. Does one activity bother you more than others? i.e. sex/kissing/love/dating often?
The only friction that has come up has been time-management. The rest we were able to work out during the initial "relationship negotiation" and it hasn't been a problem.

4. Do you expect to meet your primary's dates?
We expect to meet all dates, whether they are from primary, or secondary. The guidelines are consistent between all of them.

5. Do you have limits on the amount of times per week that you see secondaries?
Limits are based purely on what is practical and what each person/relationship needs.

6. Do you operate a "I'll do (x activity - date/kiss/sleep with) then tell you" - or do you operate "I'd like to do (x) - would you be ok with it?"
Neither. We have talked about the boundaries that each has for their comfort and we all work within those. No explicit discussion about specific activities happens beyond that. The only time discussions will come up is if plans need to be changed for some reason.

7. Do you have a veto rule? Do you agree with vetoing?
We do not have an arbitrary veto rule, no. However, since we each care about what the others think, if someone has concerns about anybody in a relationship, then that needs to be discussed. if there are some major issues which cannot be resolved, then it probably means the end of the relationship.

8. What is the biggest stress for you in poly? (possessiveness, jealous, threat, guilt, time constraints, etc)
Time constraints, for sure. Sometimes money.

9. What is the difference, for you, between acting in a poly way, and acting in a single way?
I wouldn't know, I haven't been single in decades, so it would be wild speculation at best.
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  #159  
Old 06-29-2012, 06:03 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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1. Do those "pangs" ever go away completely?

No. They can be reduced to "pings" and pings I can put down.

Even in a 20 yr committed rship with DH, as secure as it will ever come, I get the occasional ping. Nobody is ping free, but pings can be put down.

Pings don't have to be big ol' pangy angsty PONGS.


2. Do you share the details of whether you've kissed/what you've done/what the kiss/sex/whatever was like?

No. When we were open, I did not kiss and tell because there's the feelings of my other lover isn't there? He may not appreciate blab!

The basics are expected of all -- name the lover, lover's std screens, how to contact them, etc. That's just good sex hygiene/safe sex stuff. If you can't hack that? You don't play with me. Period.

Personal details is personal details. If the Other Lover is fine with Lover knowing or they all like the yummy play-by-play that is BONUS we can negotiate to. It is NOT a right. It is a bonus possible but not guaranteed privilege.

3. Does one activity bother you more than others? i.e. sex/kissing/love/dating often?

Polyamory is polyamory.

"poly"(air quotes!)-fuckery I would frown on.

4. Do you expect to meet your primary's dates?

I didn't have primaries. I had various rship unfolding at their own speed that started at different points in time. I did not expect the one that was a year in to be at the same place as the one that was a month in.

I didn't care who you dated, I trust you to be a grown up. Date whoever. Introduce me if it looks serious. That's nice.

But if/when was starting to look lover-ly. YOU BETTER! I wanted the heads up and I wanted the meet & greet to happen. I have the RIGHT to make INFORMED decisions about my sex health and well being. Can't hack that? Don't play with me.

I'm married to DH with a child now rather than us being GF/BF or married no kids. So I'd have to reconsider the "primary thing" if we opened up. We don't want to deal in that with parenting stage for that reason. The CHILD is primary so... let's stay closed for now. I know some poly families hack it, but I just can't see the time management working for me. I also do eldercare... my plate is just too dang full to invite new rships right now!

Just seems easier to wait. I would not be giving my best to new partner, and everyone else would get short end of my stick -- less of my time, less of my attention. The return on my investment at this time would be poor and I don't want to short change anyone -- esp myself.


5. Do you have limits on the amount of times per week that you see secondaries?

No. Didn't do secondaries/primaries structure. I spent time with who I spent time with. Nobody limited me and I did not limit.

My second BF was LDR so it wasn't local either. I kinda spent equal time with them -- because they were pretty equal and everyone lived in their own space (albeit one was LDR and our dates were online rather in person). They all knew about each other. The local-est got more face time. The others got more phone/computer time.

If I were in a primary/secondary structure right now it would be because the CHILD is primary, the the family unit activities have to be for the child. So yah, the secondaries would have to go in knowing and respecting this. We find it easier to just skip it all and get through our parenting phase (hence closed). I'm just not UP for poly fam time management issues atop eldercare too. Plates are too full.

6. Do you operate a "I'll do (x activity - date/kiss/sleep with) then tell you" - or do you operate "I'd like to do (x) - would you be ok with it?"

You tell me it's looking to go lover-ly and I could get cootied so we can schedule the meet & greet and I can make informed decisions about my sex health.

(Which may include not having you as a lover because I'm not comfortable. My body is MINE. We can still be friends, and I make no waves about you taking on new lover. But let's keep it real here. Cuz *I* don't have to automatically take on your new lover as my meta. I could be ok with them in a new config and barrier sex but maybe I'm not! It's not a guarantee. It's changing the config every time a new one comes on board... so meet & greet & discuss!

After that, if I'm feeling like this person will play nice (share info, test results, not be all argh making) and I'm good to go as a meta, what you do as lovers is your biz, not mine and you don't even have to tell me "when it actually happened." I'm cool.

7. Do you have a veto rule? Do you agree with vetoing?

No. At the time we were open, I did not have a veto.

I had a "I don't care who you date but I want to know/meet&greet if it looks loverly so we can all decide this next new config" rule.

And it includes the option for me to bow OUT if I don't want to overlap in Loverland. Just like it could include me staying IN because I'm ok with sharing with this responsible meta. I'd like to remain friends, but my body is MINE.


8. What is the biggest stress for you in poly? (possessiveness, jealous, threat, guilt, time constraints, etc)

Emotional weenie-ness. Not wanting to overcome/process whatever (usually jealous) because of emotional weenie. Or not wanting to own and hold your own baggage in emotional weenie and trying to fob it off on me. We all have responsibilities to ourselves, to each other, and to the relationship at large. Hold your own bags! (Or hold up your end of the various sticks, if you prefer)

I went into all my overlappies with clear cut expectations and basic kindness ground rules for how I wanted to be. All in the open.

I do not find it unreasonable to want a heads up on new lovers changing the config and sex health panel results.

I do not find it unreasonable to want radical truth in expected open communication.

Don't like my basics? Don't play with me then! How much more clear could I be?

9. What is the difference, for you, between acting in a poly way, and acting in a single way?

Single? I'm not committed to anyone. If there's hanky pankies urges of mine I state up front, I'm up for it but I am NOT promising fidelity or exclusive so if they have preferences for saving their hankies for commitment (as is their right) let's keep it at the smoochies then. I like smoochies just as much! I do not push people beyond their limit.

Poly? I have committed to people and agreed to boundaries. There are rules and expectations I have to answer to now that I don't have as a footloose fancy free single. I might be up for dating hankies but my lover might not be, so I have to crank it down, don't I? And behave on my other dates in a way that respects my polyship because I've committed to it. I do not push people beyond their limit.

So on both? It is the SAME. Acting with honest intent, integrity, respectful truth-iness.

HTH!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-29-2012 at 06:41 PM.
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  #160  
Old 06-29-2012, 06:29 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Thank you for all the replies so far! It's really great to read about it. I thought I'd get in and put myself out there too, in terms of the questions I asked:

1. Do those "pangs" ever go away completely?
I'm 16 months in and I still get pangs. Pings, pangs, pongs... GalaGirl... I just don't know! When my primary kisses someone else, half an hour ping/pang/pong. When she goes on a date - niggling ping in the back of my head. When she sleeps with someone? I'll find out soon enough!

Wouldn't mind if all the pings/pangs/pongs went away, to be honest. I was hoping for some sort of Holy Grail where that would happen eventually. I wonder if it will....

2. Do you share the details of whether you've kissed/what you've done/what the kiss/sex/whatever was like?
I ask because I say I don't want to know - but wonder if I'm being an emotional wuss in that sense and missing out on an opportunity to tackle those pong demons. That being said, I obviously want to know when sex has happened. Haven't had that talk yet with my primary; but it's coming.

Sometimes I hear other people, including my primary at times, say that they really are cool with all of it. No pings, pangs or pongs. Sometimes, they even say that it's a turn on to hear about it.

It makes me wonder if I'll get to that point.


3. Does one activity bother you more than others? i.e. sex/kissing/love/dating often?

The kissing and sex side, I am dealing with. The love side bothers me, because I could see it getting very tricky, very fast. In an ideal world, I'd want secondary partners who are friends, but the love to remain in our poly V.


4. Do you expect to meet your primary's dates?
We have an agreement that we try to meet them before sex happens. That being said, if my primary wanted a one-night fling, I wouldn't feel so inclined to have to meet them.


5. Do you have limits on the amount of times per week that you see secondaries?

If my poly dates a lot, or sees a date more than once in a week, that bothers me, due to my own personal and acknowledged poly 'expectations'.


6. Do you operate a "I'll do (x activity - date/kiss/sleep with) then tell you" - or do you operate "I'd like to do (x) - would you be ok with it?"

I think the "are you ok with this" approach is kinder.


7. Do you have a veto rule? Do you agree with vetoing?
We have one, but have never used it and never want to. My primary had a problem with me dating her friend, so I called it off. She had a problem with me dating a couple of other women, as she felt they were toxic (to be fair, they were) - so I called those off.


8. What is the biggest stress for you in poly? (possessiveness, jealous, threat, guilt, time constraints, etc)
Ping, pang, pongs are my biggest stress.


9. What is the difference, for you, between acting in a poly way, and acting in a single way?
For me, it's trying to figure out *how* to act in a committed way. I am trying to figure out how much independent decision making is too "single" and how much is just right.
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