A new exploration... :)
I kinda wanted to journal about this anyway, but I am still closeted, and this way I can have feedback too! I will warn however, I am TERRIBLE at keeping blogs and journals so there might be a cliffhanger lol!
I am going out with S tomorrow night. This will be my first time seeing him in person since coming out to my husband, and S. When S and I met before it was under strict rules. Limited touching, and I wasn't to show him loving affection. I wasn't allowed to be a girlfriend. It was strictly to get him comfortable enough to come to bed with us.
I'm going to backtrack and tell you a little about S. He is a handsom man, in my eyes anyway. He's about my height, blond, soft. He has amazing blue eyes, and long eyelashes. Others would first notice he's not thin fit and trim, but not overweight and that he is balding. None of this bothers me. I can't stop being caught in his eyes. He used to be in the Army, but has been out a while and claims to have earned himself an exercise break. I couldn't agree more.
He's very withdrawn, and does not like to share about himself. What little I can get him to say shows me he's a honorable man who cares very much for his family, and has made himself their protector. He kind of acts like a bad ass, but I can see the softness in his eyes. He seems to hold everyone else out at a distance though.
He is a big talker. I think a lot of it is to fill the silence. I don't mind, it makes me laugh. I also know he is a gamer, and fairly passionate about baseball.
The first time we went out I was very nervous. I had never met him in person, it was kind of a strange situation. But he makes me laugh, and I calmed quickly. I took him down to my favorite place on the river. He complained we had to walk through a bookstore lol.
We watched a movie. We shared an armrest in the theater, honestly by accident, but when our arms touched I didn't want to move. I felt the heat between us, I wanted to touch more, but I was bound by rules. So I didn't. We whispered commentary to eachother and laughed the whole time.
On the way back, we talked a lot in the car. About everything, and a lot about you know. The sex arrangement. He had questions, I answered them all even though I was just as lost as he was. This was new to me too.
As I am driving home I had to stop for drinks. I answered texts from my husband, who instructed me to kiss him. It made me giggle and we sent some dirty texts. S raised and eyebrow, but I told him he really didn't want to know lol.
When I got back to his house, we sat in the car and talked for a great length more. I wanted to kiss him, I had permission, I knew he wanted it too, but no one knew what to do. Finally he was about to leave, I was losing my chance, I went into auto pilot and just grabbed him, pulled him back and kissed him. He was a little surprised, but returned the same. After a little of that we discussed the wierd feelings of it, but that we were okay with it. He asked when he could come home with me. I laughed, and told him the following weekend.
I couldn't wrap my head around doing all that, liking it, and being allowed to do it. DH was in no way jealous, but extremely turned on by it and we made love. I spent the week processing, and smiling, and blushing.
S came over the following weekend, but he wasn't himself. In the presence of my husband he was afraid to even speak, and I know it was the rules. My husband is a large man, S didn't want to make him angry. We watched a movie, played games together, then finally went for it. S was unable to perform under the pressure and nervousness.
At that moment I realized how deep I was in. I felt terrible for S, and had the urge to hold him and comfort him, but it was against the rules. I stroked his shoulder softly and whispered it was okay, but stopped myself. It was a frustrating moment.
The confession to my husband came that week. It was difficult, I thought this would have to be over. But much to my surprise, he said he had a feeling I was that way and it was totally okay. We had a lenghty discussion about it. About boundaries, safety and such. We finally agreed that we wanted this mutually. Talk about HUGE sigh of relief!
The next part was notifying S of the rule change. Things had been awkward since last weekend. I didn't know how to tell him, with out freaking him out a little. He had already expressed to me he didn't understand the sharing, and that he didn't share. The original grounds were no emotional relationship as well, but now that is different.
I had to do some explaining, but S got it. He admitted to finding it odd, but accepted it. He asked "So. We can boink now??" I told him only if he swore never to use the word boink again, and it lead into a playful back and forth about it. I don't like the word, but I hate to say it's almost cute coming from him.
He's a guy I can see having an emotional relationship with, but I am not sure that's an option. He doesn't like to share women, or feelings. I have a feeling this will just be a fuckbuddy type thing, and for now that is okay. He had high walls up when the rules said he couldn't treat me like a girlfriend, but now that is different so maybe that will go away? I don't know until I see him. I can't read how he's feeling in text.
I can live with fuckbuddy, but if that's all their is I think what I do feel will wear off eventually. For now though, I love his touch. Maybe he won't be so reserved about HOW he touches me now. We'll see tomorrow night!
(I just straight typed this. No proofreading, no editing, just wrote as the thought came out so it is what it is. )