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  #231  
Old 06-29-2012, 07:36 AM
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Indeed, it does, it feels still a bit strange for the first, let's say, 15 times, but it comes naturally by itself. I don't really know why, but this is like an 'I will' for me. Definite commitment, baring my feelings to the utmost level and making a promise, I feel I will always keep. There is nothing more I can give than an 'I love you' and voicing it, is the last step I do, before I am sure of my 'together forever happy ending' with this person. I know, really strange, but that's how my mind works in this case.
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  #232  
Old 06-30-2012, 06:17 AM
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Default The baby talk

Ok, so we talked. It has been a really reassuring talk for me and the atmosphere was great, them sitting on the far ends of our couch, me in the middle forming a triangle and everyone able to look at the other two. The main points:

1. What would be, if the conceiving wouldn't happen that fast and we try for several months or more than a year even?

Lin, Sward and I don't like condoms. Yes, they are practical, yes, each of us knows how important they are when having sexual encounters with not that well known people, but honestly: each of us was really relieved that we wouldn't need some. Just not our thing. Now we will have a considerable time for Lin and me we have to use them. How frustrating could it be for him, to do this in the case stated above? He said, well, that is such a minor detail that it doesn't bother him this much. He wouldn't run around grumpy because of it. Some things aren't pleasant but necessary. Sward joked that there will be a time, when he would be in Lin's shoes as well and both grinned at each other. That was cleared.

2. What would be, if the pregnancy were to be complicated, me needing to lie down most of the time or the baby coming early and disturbing/delaying my studies?

Both said that first of all, this was nature's curse, and impossible to predict. If it happens, it happens. Secondly, we would manage. Both were absolutely sure about it. Half a year more isn't the end of the world. Sward said, that yes, he is longing to stay home, be a father, have a break from work for some years, but if it doesn't come true earlier it will happen later on our way. I shouldn't stress about it, unless I would want to postpone the whole child topic for now. I myself really don't want to wait any longer. Maybe I have to because of point 1, I can't change that factor, but it is the right time for me/us, from my point of view. Lin said, that if he still was home and without a job, that he would naturally tend to the household. Event though it wouldn't be his dream arrangement. What brings us to point 3.

3. What would be, if we would be that pressed for money (because of me not working, Lin without a job) that the roles would be interchanged?

Meaning: Sward having to work full time, me still studying on the side, Lin being a father full time. There would be so much stress around, with the additional stress that natural comes with a child, it was my most feared scenario. Sward being constantly grumpy because he still isn't at home, being a father, me being stressed because of whatever circumstances I have to deal with a baby and my finals, Lin being totally overwhelmed with the household, the child rearing and not able to find any work at all.

Lin said that he can't predict how he will react. He isn't a planner, he can't imagine how being with a child may affect him and therefore he just said, that he will see what he has to handle when the time comes and find a way to face the things demanded of him. That for example, he can't promise immediate paternal feelings, maybe he will have problems with the biological aspect mentally or whatever. I should just trust him, that he will face those obstacles and find a way to overcome them. That was all he could promise.

Sward said that he first of all doesn't think that Lin may not have an immediate reaction and relationship in regard to the child as soon as he/she lies in his arms. He is quite positive about that issue. He knows that he himself will be disappointed if he really had to keep on working while we are home, having the family life and daily chores he dreams of for himself. But that he knows very well, that if things are that way, he has no choice and would feel satisfied supporting the family financially, as long as I need to finish.

Both said, that they believe me to be the factor stressing both of them the most. A pregnant Phy, full of hormones, crying at the smallest matter, demanding the most preposterous things, asking for sympathy while worrying about each and every possible outcome even if that would include a ingrowing toenail or whatever I could think of, … (believe me, the list went on for nearly a minute ). They were totally bonding right before my eyes as fellows in misery.

4. What would be, if all of us were to be overwhelmed by the situation and our only wish would be to leave the whole mess?

A possible reaction from my point of view, especially for Lin. He has been on the brink of death roughly a year ago, is now experiencing a loving relationship (something he had written of for himself completely at that time) and there may be a baby in the mix in another years time. That is simply fast. Maybe too fast. He himself admitted that he never planned for something like this and that it may overextend his abilities at first. But he was willing to be part of this and was willing to find solutions even for things totally stressing him out in this situation. He regards the family around us as a positive factor as well. Many people to help with childcare, relieve some of the pressure everyone is experiencing personally, making space for individual recreational time and so on.

Sward was much briefer in his answer: We managed so much during the last year and we managed it together. We will be able to care for a child. We are three adults, we are better off than most in this kind of situation. And I am definitely here to stay. Lin just nodded. That was settled as well.

My worry for money in general, was addressed by Lin. That we would already be able to pay for a child's living expense right now. In our current situation, we would have to cut back on personal expenses for sure, but it would be possible. There are many couples around us, who just became parents one or two years ago, therefore there is the possibility of us getting their old baby stuff and furniture.

After all, I realized that both of them are well aware of the problems and dangers connected to a child in regard to our relationship and wishes. That reassured me quite a bit. It was great to witness them arguing in the same direction, being on the same page with everything that was on their minds and just basically saying to me: Don't worry this much, we will manage. One step at a time. They are right, we will take one step at a time and wait for July to come
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  #233  
Old 07-04-2012, 05:27 AM
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Default Lin and my first anniversary

At the end of the week one year will have pasted since Lin and I became a couple officially. Already a year? Only a year? Sometimes it seems such a long time but mostly it went by without any of us really noticing. I remember waiting for the first year to pass in Sward's case back then. Maybe we were so much younger, that we weren't able to let time lapse away one way or the other. I feel about Lin like I feel about Sward nowadays in regard to the time we spend with each other: Like we have always been together and will never part.

But I am excited as well. This will be Lin's and my first couple evening in a going out manner. When I thought about it, I was kind of dumbstruck that we really never went out for dinner just the two of us. Not once. Once, we came close, ate something in a diner while shopping all day, but that wasn't a date. Hm, seems as all of us regard going out for dinner as fitting for special celebrations like an anniversary or birthday. All three of us went to our (Sward's and my) favorite Greek restaurant to introduce it to Lin. And that has been it. Despite me being a foody like no one else. We need to work on the frequency there

Lin is totally excited about Sunday and picked out a Indian restaurant. I have never been to one and he knows how much I enjoy different tastes and food. He planned the whole evening already, looked into what's typical in reagrd to their cuisine and what may be a bit difficult for our tastes and searched for the best restaurant in our region. So sweet Looking forward to the end of the week.
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  #234  
Old 07-04-2012, 04:30 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Happy anniversary!! Lin researching the restaurant is completely adorable Have a great time on your "first date!"
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  #235  
Old 07-10-2012, 07:26 PM
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Default Date night and some preparations for the (future) baby

Well, here we are, two days after our 'big first date'. Hm, how should I phrase it …? I kind of spoiled my own fun a bit there.

I asked the men to switch the nights in advance (Sunday is Sward's night normally). That's why I woke up with Sward and went to the gym with him later. Lin had to get up when we left because someone has to watch our old dog, she goes berserk if she is left alone in one room and knows that someone of us is near but not with her. (And she always knows if someone is there or not ) I woke Lin up with some knocks on the door and a sharp “Are you already up? We are ready to leave.” Sward smirked and mumbles 'Ah, that's love, isn't it?' and imitated my tone. I was like 'Oh dear, did I really just forget about our anniversary?!' and stayed in front of his door to give him a 'congratulations-kiss', watched by Sward who silently laughed about me.

Lin didn't forget anything. When we came home, he had prepared some cake and coffee and welcomed us cheerfully. “For my primary and platonic secondary!” All of us started to laugh, great way to phrase it ^.^ We went to our dinner date later and I was waiting for the right feeling and mood to finally feel able to say those little three words. But it didn't happen. The evening was great, a bit unusual for me, because I am so used to Sward and my mood and routine when going out to eat that I kind of struggled with the unknown situation. In a way I think that going out for dinner will never be Lin's and my favorite activity. There are other things helping us to connect better and deeper. But the food was great and we talked jaunty, seriously and, of course , a bit flirtatious as well.

When we got back home I was kind of stressed, because 'the confession' didn't happen. I stayed like this for the rest of the night and still wasn't over this little voice in my head the next day. That's when I talked to Lin about the thing bugging me (as he noticed that something was going on, as always …). He scolded me for putting myself under pressure this much, that he thinks that the evening/day went great and that he himself knows that I love him. “Or at least that you really, really, reeeaaaally absolutely like me. It's OK don't worry this much, give yourself some time.” Guess what I did after those sweet and understanding words … *sigh* Why do my character and inner workings have to be this complicated? Such a hassle.

____________

And something else: After our final 'baby talk' things are getting serious. Just one more week till the end of my pill-pack and then … ready to rumble I went to get my still due immunizations for tetanus, diphtheria, pertussis and polio. Went to ask my gynaecologist in regard to some pending questions and insecurities due to an old surgery I underwent and got a light folic acid supplement. When Sward saw that I was taking something to optimize our odds, he asked if there was something he could take as well. I smirked and bought him some vitamin dietary supplements with zinc and so on. Won't hurt, I guess ^.^

And I wanted to start a handwritten diary for the time during the pregnancy and maybe for the first months of the child as well. I love calligraphy, the way the medieval books were written. I spend the day searching for some leather bound books, but those are really rare as it seems in the bookstores nowadays. I found some in the right size on the net. Lin wants to illustrate and design the pages individually as well. I guess, it will be a little masterpiece as soon as we are done So looking forward to work on this project, I just have to find my old quill and other equipment for this, it disappeared after our renovation. I searched for some pictures. Those will (most likely) be our tools later on:

(Still indecisive concerning the blue or brown cover, but I am leaning towards the brown one. But the blue one reminds me of the magic rose of 'The Beauty and the Beast' ... can't decide )
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  #236  
Old 07-18-2012, 04:24 AM
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Things have been so quiet … again, I hardly know what to talk about. There was a little unpleasant situation on Sunday, but that's mainly it. I will come to that later on.

First of all, as some have asked for the health of my mother (thanks for your concern), right now, it has gotten better, but she was having a hard time during the last week. She has been quite feverish for most days of the last weekend and therefore weak. The fever went down right before her next chemo which wasn't enough time for her to recover and things became a good deal worse this time. Her leukocytes were really, really low and the danger of an infection rises with every day their don't increase again. Two more sessions for her to undergo, we hope for the best.

In regard to my university stuff, I need to get down to work. I want things to be off the table as fast as possible in case the pregnancy project launches as planned. Aside from this reminder, I don't have anything interesting to say about this part of my life at the moment.

Sward and I had a little misunderstanding going on on Sunday. It came down to us assuming what the other was thinking without speaking about our concrete notions at that moment and it blew up a bit. Both of us know, that assuming doesn't get us anywhere, but we can't break our old habits sometimes. It was cleared that evening and talked about the next evening again and both of us noticed that even though we were quite reluctant to call it quits right away, none of us likes the tense atmosphere after a fight; being right next to each other, having talked things through, still a bit agitated because of it, not cuddling right away because of this 'I am still a bit mad at you' feeling. (The quarrel occurred right before we went to bed and we were lying there next to each other.)

Yesterday Sward told me: “I really don't like to lie next to you and not hug and cuddle you. Quarrels are so useless that way, can't we quarrel and hug at the same time? We would have all the time in the world to clear it, but lying there alone just feels … lonely.” I smirked. We kind of did this later on, discussing and cuddling at the same time, but I am a person who needs space to feel upset and hurt and I need my personal space right then.

The baby front … well, all of us got in the mood kind of. I started the book, the first pages look great, I am quite pleased with my calligraphic skills and am looking forward to the book on different handwriting and alphabets I ordered to pick some different styles for the various passages of the book. Lin delved right into this project as well, he got the idea to design some kind of family crest or coat of arms. Sward holds the book in so high esteem that he doesn't dare to touch it even when I told him that I want him to write some lines later on. He said: “I won't touch this book. It looks so good, I will just ruin it.” Seems like he thinks of it as some kind of future masterpiece or something along those lines ^.^ And he keeps at taking his vitamins to provide the best working material he can
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  #237  
Old 07-18-2012, 07:44 AM
Trinity Trinity is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
Maybe this is caused by my own amazement.
I still can't get the whole picture. How is it even possible that this works? How can there be such a strong feeling like love in a way that affects more then one person exclusively? It is difficult enough to experience the love and all of it's aspects for one person; how the hell could it be possible to develop and handle this twice?!
I so do recognize this feeling! That is what I feel now too! Just totally amazed by it! And the love is not divided but doubled!
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  #238  
Old 07-18-2012, 07:54 AM
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Ah dear ... the beginning. Wasn't that my second or third post? *sigh* how time runs Welcome Trinity, I wish you luck in your endeavour! I have come quite a long way by now, it is just great and fulfilling in my case. Hope that you will be able to find your way as well.
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  #239  
Old 07-24-2012, 01:02 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Personal space...

I know what you mean about needing personal space when you're upset. Elemental always wants to cuddle, touch me or hug me when we are disagreeing or having a heated discussion, and I want exactly the opposite - to have space, and then to snuggle/cuddle when we are feeling back on track. I try to remember this when he is feeling upset and I am fine though, and hold his hand or rub his leg - I can make him feel so much better just by hugging him, even when he is having a hard time. It can be hard to remember that when it goes SO against what I would want!
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  #240  
Old 07-24-2012, 06:20 PM
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There always seem to exist more categories of people where ever you look I can't say that I am on the opposite end of Sward in this matter, but I am certainly not a person to cling to someone when I am arguing about something. I believe this tension and short separation to be healthy. It helps to define who you are and what your point is.

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Haven't got much to talk about, just something that made me laugh. I have just talked to a good friend about our poly relationship and she was astonished how something like that can work, why the men don't compete with each other and so on (you know, the usual stuff )

Yesterday, I overdid my sports a bit again. Sore muscles and the like. Lin was just massaging my breast muscles, when Sward came in. We were watching some TV show. The moment he saw Lin 'fondling' my breasts a big bright smile lid up his face and he crossed the room grinning on his way to the kitchen. His face seemed so full of joy that we instantly had to laugh as well and I asked him what had crossed his mind the moment he entered the room. He just mumbled to himself that everything was just the way it should be and alright.

So true, isn't it? That's the way it should be. We became so comfortable around each other, it's just relaxing and comfy. There was absolutely no tension and I have to think hard to remember when the last time has been, I felt some of this lingering feeling in the air when we were together and something intimate was going on between only two of us. I know that it was there in the beginning, but it hasn't been there for a long time by now.
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